DEAR International Olympics Committee,
We wish to apply for our new national sport, political gymnastics, to be included in the Olympic Games. The rules are simple. The referee starts the game by shouting, “Does the Provisional IRA still exist?”
Police officers and politicians then perform political somersaults, back flips and triple turns to prove that the organisation does not exist, or exists just a little bit, (which apparently is the same as not existing) and even if it does exist, sure where’s the harm in Stormont having a private army?
The sport is based on the belief that if the IRA’s existence as a paramilitary force were established, Stormont would collapse. For the majority of people here, that would be no great loss.
For others, however, it would mean the end of ministerial cars, jobs for the boys and girls, special political advisers, perks, expenses and the political credibility of the administrations in London, Dublin and Washington.
To avoid its collapse, we have all bought into the sport of political gymnastics – except for Fianna Fáil and the UUP, both of which have refused to enter into the spirit of the game. The DUP are not sure whether to play or not.
The sport’s appeal is that the PIRA is a bit like God, in that it is impossible to prove or disprove its existence. (This column is a PIRA agnostic – it has no idea if it exists or not. The only people who can confirm its existence are those who are in it, but if it does exist, it is their job to deny its existence. Flann O’Brien could not have invented anything better.)
So, as a devoutly religious people, we recognise that the question of the PIRA’s existence is a matter of faith. It is slightly different from belief in God, because the politically faithful believe that the PIRA does not exist and the non-believers believe that it does. (It is an Irish form of faith.)
Our team captain is PSNI Chief Constable, George Hamilton, who says that the PIRA exists, but not in the organisational sense. (So it is a non-organisational organisation, a political double somersault which scored him 9.6).
The Chief Constable is accountable to the Policing Board. It includes members from Sinn Féin which, according to Mr Hamilton, is part of the Republican movement – an organisation (presumably in an organisational way) which, in his view, includes the IRA.
So is the Chief Constable telling us that the PSNI could be accountable, in part at least, to the IRA – not through any individuals on the Policing Board, but through a broader organisational link? Is the implementation of the law here overseen, however indirectly, by an illegal organisation – a sort of PSNIRA?
Sinn Féin, which is one of Mr Hamilton’s bosses, says that the IRA does not exist, but the SDLP, another one of his bosses, said at the start of the week that the organisation exists, but only exists in a skeleton form. (I have no idea what that means – and how does the SDLP know what goes on in a secret organisation?)
By the end of the week, however, the SDLP claimed it shared the concerns of the Ulster Unionist leadership (about the skeleton). In fact, the SDLP was so concerned that it decided to stay in government, which earned it a score of a perfect 10 for political gymnastics at its best.
In fairness, Dublin gymnasts are just as good. When asked if the PIRA still operated in Ireland, Justice Minister, Frances Fitzgerald, said last Sunday: “That’s a question that can be answered in a whole variety of ways.” (I can only think of two.)
Her Department of Justice issued a statement saying that PIRA members were “undoubtedly” involved in crime, but there was no evidence to suggest that the organisation is active in Ireland. (Can you give a score higher than 10 in gymnastics?)
By Wednesday Ms Fitzgerald was asking her Garda Chief to carry out “a fresh assessment” of the PIRA. (Maybe she hurt her back in the first triple somersault.) However, she completed a brilliant routine by claiming that the PIRA’s “military departments” have been disbanded.
(Is an army without a military department still an army? Maybe the IRA is now just the IR? It is a bit like saying a church has closed its religious department.)
So that is our case for recognising Irish political gymnastics as an Olympic sport. It is all good clean fun – or it would be if people were not being killed during the game.
