"I'M due to get married later this year and, fond as I am of my fiance, I've realised he's a bit boring. The physical side of our relationship is comfortable but a bit dull, and I suppose I cannot help but compare him to my last boyfriend. He was more than a bit wild and sex with him was unpredictable and exciting. He wasn't someone anyone should marry, as he was far too unreliable, but I do miss the spontaneity that he brought to things. I suppose what I am saying is, I am having doubts about getting married. Should I be concerned?"
CH
FIONA SAYS: Your wild, unpredictable, sexually exciting boyfriend would be hard not to miss. No doubt he brought passion and thrills to your life but, as you admit, that all came with a big down-side – his unreliability. Having doubts before a wedding is perfectly normal – it's a major life-decision, after all.
You need to decide, though, if you really do find your fiance boring, or if it's just by comparison to your ex-boyfriend. Instead of comparing the two of them, compare your fiance to other men you know or have known.
If you still think he's boring, then consider whether you could find ways of spicing up your relationship and seeing how he responds. It might be that he's just inexperienced and needs a little help to explore the relationship in more spontaneous ways.
After that, you need to ask yourself a few searching questions. First, is your fiance capable of becoming the sort of man who could provide the level of excitement in your relationship that you seem to need? If you think not, then could you adapt to a long-term relationship without the spontaneity and passion you seem to crave?
Once you know the answers to those questions, I think you'll know what to do.
My sons won't see me since I left their abusive dad
"MY husband abused me for many years, both mentally and physically, and six months ago I finally plucked up the courage to leave him.
"I know it was the best thing I ever did for myself; I have a place to live and I'm retraining to, hopefully, get a job. My problem is that my two sons, who are 18 and 17, have sided with their father and refuse to see me. I miss them dreadfully and although I write to them often, they never reply. I've tried calling them but although they don't actually hang up on me, they won't have a conversation and my eldest has said he doesn't understand why I left.
"When he said that, I felt really guilty about leaving their father, but honestly, I couldn't take any more. I want a new life for myself, but does that have to be at the expense of losing my children?"
WS
"You absolutely did the right thing in leaving your husband – any woman who leaves an abusive man is doing the right thing. It took a huge amount of courage and strength to leave and make a new life for yourself – you clearly have reserves that perhaps you're not even aware of yourself.
"To your sons, you must seem like a completely different person, and they may be having difficulties relating to the new you. You don't say whether or not they ever saw the way your husband mistreated you – perhaps they did and grew up thinking it was normal behaviour? Or perhaps he has dominated them to such an extent that they are too afraid to stand up to him? You also don't mention how your husband has reacted to the break – and it may be he has been saying things to them about you that has made them reluctant to engage with you.
"The important thing, though, is that you stay in touch with them. Writing letters may be something you're comfortable with but, for many teenagers, they are an alien means of communication (sadly). They are probably more comfortable with texts to their mobiles, or communication through some of the social media chat services. Get familiar with such things and drop them regular short messages that don't require long answers from them.
"The important thing is to make them understand that the split is not their fault and that you love them. They are old enough to begin to understand that there are two sides to every argument.
"I am concerned that they may have grown up to think violence against women is normal behaviour. If that's the case, anything you can do to teach them that it's wrong will help them.
"It's important that they understand the violence is not, in any way, their fault, but they also need to understand that they can still love their father whilst hating his behaviour. That means you need to be careful about what you say to them about him. They have, almost certainly, been affected by the abuse in some way or other. Even if they never witnessed it, they will have sensed an atmosphere, overheard something, or seen the effect it has on you.
"In time, they may need support and counselling to help sort out and identify their feelings and I'm sure they will want to see you and have a relationship with you once more. However, you may need to be patient, with your sons and yourself.
"There are also charities and support organisations you can turn to for advice and guidance through their websites and helplines, such as Refuge (refuge.org.uk) and Women's Aid (womensaid.org.uk). There will be lots of other women who have gone through similar things, and it can be very helpful to connect with advice from people who have lots of experience in these matters."
I'm so lonely since getting divorced
"I'VE lived my life as a Christian woman and was married for 22 years. Two years ago, my husband divorced me so he could be with another woman. I live alone in an apartment and basically have no friends because all my friends were connected to the church, and I don't feel welcome there now I'm divorced.
"I have a very limited income, no job and, as I'm 67 years old, no prospect of getting one. It's been very hard to go to church twice a week and now I feel very alone there.
"I feel I am sinking with my thoughts from the past and I need an outlet of some kind."
KW
FIONA SAYS: In my view, any church that doesn't welcome people, regardless of the circumstances, has something seriously wrong with it. After all, you're hardly the first person to get a divorce and you certainly won't be the last.
Have you spoken to your minister about your feelings? If the congregation is large, it's possible that he may be unaware that you are having difficulties. A minister should do everything possible to make everyone feel included and welcome so, if this is not happening, you must speak up.
Once you've done that, you could also ask if there are some activity groups associated with the church that you could join. Hopefully, this should be enough to bring about a change – but if not, then perhaps you need to consider attending a different church, and/or look at ways of making new friends elsewhere.
My soon-to-be redundant husband is refusing to look for new work
"My husband has recently been told that he is to be made redundant and we are both taking it badly. I am angry that his company, for which he's worked for the last 12 years, can treat him so appallingly and they won't even tell him when he's going to lose his job.
"I've tried to push him to get them to promise a good redundancy package, but he doesn't want to rock the boat and gets angry at me for putting pressure on him. I've also suggested he should start job-hunting, but he thinks there's no point because, he says, no one will want him at his age - he's only 48!
"It's like he's given up, and I find it hard not to get angry with him for being so defeatist."
OM
FIONA SAYS: It's traumatic to lose a job, and when an employer handles the redundancy process badly, it can be made worse. You're both feeling bad about this, but try not to take it out on one another.
You need to be supporting each other, not fighting, and your husband's confidence has probably been dented. It may take him a while to feel strong enough to start risking further rejections from job-hunting.
Try not to push him too hard, too soon. He will hopefully have enough from the redundancy package to spend a little while looking. He's certainly still very employable at 48, so, for now, concentrate on building him up, rather than getting angry with him. If he's in a trade union, he should talk to his representative about the redundancy; if he's not then I'd suggest he contacts his local Citizens Advice (citizensadvice.org.uk) and speak to an advisor.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence
