AFTER almost two years of lying to me, my husband finally owned up recently to the fact he has a gambling problem. I suppose I should have suspected something was wrong sooner. Although we were both working, our joint bank account was forever overdrawn and we struggled to pay our utility bills. We never had any money, and he always found a reason not to buy things.
If we went out anywhere, he was anxious the whole time.
When bits of my jewellery started to go missing and he insisted we sack our cleaner because of it, I finally got suspicious and we had a furious row. It seems he’d got in really deep and, in the end, had resorted to stealing things in order to fund more gambling so that we could pay bills.
All this has left us over £30,000 in debt, with a stack of threatening letters from people demanding money. He’s promised that he’s going to change and has already started going to Gamblers Anonymous meetings. Of course I’m relieved that he’s doing this – but it’s doing nothing to solve our debt problems and more importantly, I am not sure how I feel about him anymore.
I feel hurt and betrayed that he could do this to us, to the extent that I’m not sure I can ever trust him again. I am also confused and angry, and don’t know what I am going to do to get us out of this mess. Part of me just wants to run away and leave him to face the music. However, another part feels that I do love him and want to help. I feel so lost, but what can I do?
SJ
FIONA SAYS: You’ve had a nasty shock and I can fully understand why you might feel angry, betrayed, and confused. However, please don’t do anything hasty. Your husband has acknowledged he has a problem and is doing something about it. That’s a huge positive step; many gamblers struggle to admit there’s a problem, let alone seek help, so not all is lost.
It’s good that he’s getting peer-group support through Gamblers Anonymous, but I think you’d both benefit from also contacting GamCare (gamcare.org.uk). This organisation can offer one-to-one support through a variety of channels including live chat and a phone helpline. Crucially, it also offers support to family members and friends impacted by someone else’s gambling.
GamCare is part of the National Gambling Support Network so it can also refer you onto appropriate counselling services in your area. You may also find local meetings of Gam Anon (gamanon.org.uk), a network of support groups for people affected by another’s gambling. Both organisations will give you the opportunity to discuss your feelings and talk through strategies for coping.
As you’re doing this, I suggest you also contact the Step Change Debt Charity (stepchange.org), which offers a free debt advice service. Overcoming addictive gambling is not easy and the road ahead is likely to be a difficult one for both of you. However, if you get the right support now, you’ll give yourselves the best chance of recovering from this situation.
SISTER-IN-LAW ATTACKED ME
OVER the past four years, I have had several surgeries on my back that have left me feeling weak and generally not able to cope. I’ve had several bouts of depression, including one complete breakdown where I spent a short time in a specialist hospital. Then, just as I thought I was getting over this, my younger brother died, and I plunged back into another nasty depression.
His death came as a real shock because he was quite a bit younger than me, and I suppose it drove home the fact that I too am going to die one day. My other brother offered to help, and I was grateful for the support as he helped me talk though a lot of the issues I was having.
However, his wife, who’s always been a bit odd, got really angry and attacked me. She beat me up badly and I had to have stitches in my head.
I have no idea why she did this; I’d done nothing but ask for help. My brother is still trying to help but every time I see her now at their house, she glares at me and I get a panic attack. I really do feel that my brother was helping me come to terms with the loss of our younger brother and I want to go on seeing him. However, I’m not sure I can ever get over these panic attacks. What can I do?
CL
FIONA SAYS: What your sister-in-law did sounds like it could have been a criminal assault, but it’s not clear from your letter whether she was charged and subsequently convicted. I suspect she wasn’t, because she continues to be aggressive towards you when she sees you.
You say you are having panic attacks when you see her. Might these be a perfectly rational fear response to a violent person, and indeed one who has already assaulted you badly? Given this, perhaps you should explore the possibility of bringing charges against her, particularly if you think she might attack you again. Please contact Victim Support (victimsupport.org.uk) discuss what has happened. An adviser can give independent, free and confidential advice about the pros and possible cons of bringing charges.
They will also suggest some immediate coping strategies, including appropriate counselling. You may already be receiving counselling for your depression, but please also accept any such help that Victim Support offers. It’s tailored for the specific needs of people who have been the victim of crime.
Finally, please don’t stop talking with your brother but, for the moment, it might be best if this is solely with him, either by phone, video call or away from his house.
HOW CAN MY HUSBAND AND I VOLUNTEER?
WITH two children grown up and now having left home, I find I have more time on my hands. I’ve not retired yet – I’ve a few more years of work ahead of me but I’d like to be doing something useful and my husband feels the same way.
We wondered about some kind of volunteering, perhaps with elderly people or with people who are disabled, but we’re not sure where to start. We both drive and are willing to turn our hands to anything – we’d quite like to do something together, but how do we track down an organisation that would appreciate two willing volunteers?
KJ
FIONA SAYS: I debated including your letter here because I’m quite sure a lot of organisations reading this will be writing in saying ‘choose us!’ I know there will be many only too delighted to offer you possibilities, so I hope they have registered their opportunities with both Do-It (doit.life) and their local Volunteer Centre. That’s where I think you should start to look as well.
Across the UK, community groups and voluntary organisations need the help of willing volunteers who can assist with day-to-day tasks as well as one-off projects.
The roles can be many and varied, and different organisations have different needs both for one-off events and for ongoing support. If there is something you fancy trying to do that will help others, there is almost certainly an opportunity somewhere for you to do it!
You’d be amazed by just how many possibilities there are and most people who take up volunteering in some way find their lives are enriched as a result.
WILL HE LEAVE HIS PARTNER FOR ME?
I’M 22 years old and have met the most wonderful man, who is fun to be with, really attentive and caring, and I think could be my Mr Right. The only problem is that presently he’s living with someone else and while he says he’s no longer in love with her, he’s not willing to rock the boat. He doesn’t want to make himself homeless until he is certain about my feelings for him.
He’s told me he doesn’t want to rush me or pressure me in any way, and that I must take all the time I need to be certain. How can I convince him I am sure, because I don’t like the thought of being the ‘other woman’ in his life? I don’t want to lose him, but I am confused.
CK
FIONA SAYS: Oh dear, oh dear – he’s got you well and truly hooked, hasn’t he, and I’m afraid I think you need a sharp dose of reality here. If this man really was as perfect as you say, he wouldn’t be two-timing his current girlfriend – certainly not whilst he still lives with her.
Yes, people fall for other people while they’re still in relationships, but if he really were a good person, he would tell you he can’t see you until he has sorted out his personal problems. You most certainly aren’t the one with the decision to make about this relationship, and of course he’s telling you to take your time because, right now, he’s able to have his cake and eat it!
Perhaps you think I’m being unfair, but if you want to test his feelings, ask him to decide between you and his present girlfriend and to prove his feelings for you by finishing with her and moving out. I hope I’m wrong about him, but I very much fear you are being led on by this two-timing rat and that you’re heading for heartache.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
