MY boyfriend and I only started to share a flat about three months before we got stuck indoors together, working from home. We've been getting along really well, and although we'd both agreed we ought to be more financially secure before getting married, now that doesn't seem so important.
I'm 31 and he's 30, so you'd think we'd be old enough to know better, but we ran out of condoms and thought we'd risk it – so guess what, I'm pregnant! We thought I was in my 'safe' period but obviously I wasn't. We've talked about this endlessly as because of our religious beliefs, we're both committed to having the baby. We just don't have enough money without both our incomes though, and I just don't know how we're going to manage to afford to feed the three of us, let alone pay for a bigger home.
One part of me is delighted but I am also so frightened. We haven't told our parents yet (although I expect they'll be pleased), and of course we've not had any tests other than home pregnancy kits (twice, just to be sure).
I don't want to go near the hospital or the surgery right now as I don't want to risk being exposed to Covid-19. Obviously, we'd like to get married now as soon as we can but that's impossible too, but I really hope we can marry before the baby's born.
HT
FIONA SAYS: An unplanned pregnancy throws most couples into a spin, so please don't think you are alone in this. Although there is no evidence yet, I imagine there will be quite a few extra births nine months or so from now – some, like yours, will be unplanned too. And even planned pregnancies can be frightening – it's going to be a complete change to your way of life, but as the two of you haven't had long together yet, it's all going to be very new.
It may be difficult running a home on a very tight budget, but thousands of people manage to pull off this seemingly impossible juggling act, and I sure you will too.
Try to contact your local Social Services or Citizens Advice now to see what financial support you may be entitled to. You could also speak to your local housing department to find out whether or not you could go on a waiting list for social housing of some kind. Or, if you do have a larger but limited income, perhaps you could consider shared ownership – again, your local housing department could probably advise you.
It is important that you do contact your medical practice about your pregnancy. Although things are different right now, there are procedures that need to be put in motion. You can talk to them over the phone and tell them your concerns about going in - they'll be best placed to advise on this and ensure you feel reassured. There are extra precautions in place to protect everyone from Covid-19, but it's still important not to ignore other issues.
You should still have regular appointments and scans while you're pregnant, but it may be that some of your appointments will be online, by phone or by video call.
It's also possible that your booked appointments may get cancelled or rescheduled - that may be annoying, but it will be for your own safety. If you do have to go to hospital or a surgery for any of your appointments, you will probably have to wear a mask.
I'd encourage you to start thinking about childcare sooner rather than later too, especially if you think you'll want to go back to work at the end of your maternity leave. You have time now to start planning, so make the most of it. Babies are expensive but I'd strongly encourage you to borrow or buy things second-hand as they grow so quickly; new things can be a waste of money anyway. There are baby banks for people facing financial hardship too, in some areas, which may be worth looking into should the need arise.
As for getting married, it doesn't have to be an expensive big wedding – or perhaps that's something you could do further down the line in the future. Take things one step at a time and discuss between you what feels best for you as a couple. After the first year, I am sure things will begin to look easier for you and that you will look back on this time together as a wonderful chance to develop your relationship.
I LOST MY TEMPER AND MY GIRLFRIEND HAS LEFT
I am really ashamed of myself and I'm feeling terrible at the moment because I have driven my girlfriend and our four-month-old son away. She has gone back to her parents after we had a stupid row.
Things are very tight financially for me right now – I've been furloughed, and I suppose I'm very stressed and anxious about the future. That doesn't excuse what I did though. I found her online, buying something on the internet and I just lost it. I got really angry and locked her in the bedroom. I didn't attack her or do anything to her physically, but I did shout at her and hit the wall with my fists. I suppose I frightened her, because when I got back from a walk she'd left, taking our baby with her.
I have begged her to come back to me, but she just cuts me off – now she's blocked my calls completely. I've sent her text messages but I don't know if they're getting through or not; I've promised her I'll never do anything like it again.
I am desperate for her to come back to me – do you think, once she has had a chance to think things over, that she will? I am sure she isn't happy living in just one room at her parents' house, so surely she'll see eventually that she'd be better off with me.
MM
FIONA SAYS: If your girlfriend were writing to me, I'd be suggesting to her that the best place for her right now is with her parents. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but domestic abuse has increased enormously and has been described as a 'shadow pandemic' alongside Covid-19.
As well as making things much harder for people already in abusive relationships, the lockdown measures have created extra stress for many people who would normally not feel the need to resort to anger or aggression. Like you, many people are having to deal with more anger than they might usually feel. On top of things like money worries, being cooped up together 24-hours a day can create huge strain, especially without access to usual support systems and activities. But while a rise in frustration may be explainable, that doesn't make it OK.
Your girlfriend needed support and understanding from you, especially with a baby of only four months old. What she got from you was abuse and fear. Whilst you may not have physically hit her, make no mistake, your behaviour was abuse so I'm not surprised she feels safer back at her parents' house, even if it is cramped and not ideal. You have let her down badly and I am sure she needs space to come to terms with your behaviour, and what she wants to do for the future.
If you try to force her in any way now, it will only serve to enforce her view of you as an aggressive bully. You've tried the phone and text messaging without success, so I suggest you write to her and explain, honestly, how you feel about her and about the way you behaved. Telling her to return home because she'd be 'better off' isn't really the issue here.
Learning to control your aggressive streak is important and you'll probably need professional help in learning how to do so. If your girlfriend knows you're seeking help and taking it seriously, she might have more confidence in you - but you can't expect anyone to take this lightly or be rushed into a quick decision.
Many therapy services are now providing support through video calls, so that people can still access treatment during social distancing. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk) has an online search you can use to find a therapist - many of whom can offer help by phone or video. The 'find a therapist' button is on the front page. There is also a website called The Counselling Directory (counselling-directory.org.uk), which has information about practitioners you could talk to.
Get help and learn to manage to learn your emotions. It's important you do this. But whether your girlfriend wants to give you another chance is entirely her choice, and you will have to respect that.
MY FIANCE HAS MET SOMEONE ELSE
I'VE been engaged for three years to a man that I expected to spend the rest of my life with. We'd not managed to see each other for five weeks, but even so, when he called me to say it was over and that he'd met someone else, I was devastated.
I told him I still loved him but he was determined to go, and I feel as though I'm in a complete fog; I can't concentrate on anything. Do you think I should drive over to his place to see if I can persuade him to come back?
WB
FIONA SAYS: You've had a nasty shock and I am not surprised you are feeling hurt and rejected, especially as he couldn't say this to your face. The fact that he did it now makes me wonder if the new person he's met isn't that new at all, and that he wanted to be with her whilst he's isolating.
If you were to drive to his place and find this new woman there, I think it would make you feel worse. How would you drive home again if you're in a bad state? Messaging him or phoning him to tell him how you feel would be safer but harsh as it sounds, I think you need to find a way to put this man behind you.
It won't be easy to get your life back on track whilst we're all in lockdown, but contact old friends and connections and make plans to meet up once things are more normal again. That way you will have people to see and things to do which should help with your recovery.
CAN'T GET OVER MY HUSBAND'S 'SEXTING'
AFTER a little over a year ago, I discovered my husband was 'sexting' with my best friend. I still have a hard time letting it go.
He states it was only three times and because he wanted the attention. What advice do you have for me?
AM
FIONA SAYS: I'm not surprised you find it hard to let go – because you've been badly let down by two people you should be able to trust the most. You've given me very few details here, so I don't know what your circumstances are now, but your 'best friend' is certainly not your friend and I hope you have cut ties with her.
Have you and your husband really talked about what happened? Why did he feel he needed the attention? What was going on in your marriage for him to feel this?
You will continue to have a hard time letting go if you don't feel you can trust him anymore – what has he done to try and rebuild that trust?
I suggest you contact Relate (relate.org.uk) with a view to having counselling of some kind, even if your husband isn't that keen, I think it would help you.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
