ALTHOUGH you've barely had time to digest your Christmas turkey (but enough about Star Wars: The Last Jedi – haha, just kidding), it's only fair that we pause to look back aghast at three of 2017's biggest cinematic stinkers.
ATOMIC BLONDE
Director: David Leitch
Starring: Charlize Theron, James McAvoy, John Goodman, Toby Jones, Eddie Marsan
THIS style-over-substance spy thriller was a total mess, wasting the talents of a solid cast and proving that bold visuals, multiple highly-choreographed action/fight sequences and a great soundtrack are no substitute for coherent plotting and character development.
A memorably brutal extended fight scene shot in a convincing psuedo-'one take' manner is Atomic Blonde's saving grace – well, that and all the bits with a neon-lit Theron wandering around in her smalls – but you can now watch that whole bit on YouTube for free, including a fascinating move-by-move breakdown with second unit director and stunt co-ordinator Sam Hargrave.
My advice is to check that out and skip the rest.
KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD
Director: Guy Ritchie
Starring: Charlie Hunnam, Jude Law, Eric Bana, Aidan Gillen, Neil Maskell, Kingsley Ben-Adir, Djimon Hounsou
GUY Ritchie's overcooked Arthurian fantasy-actioner isn't nearly as terrible as you might have heard, but since its most entertaining qualities are largely unintended – for example, the many many chuckles provided by Charlie Hunnam's 'acting' and dodgy Lahwndawhnn accent – it has to be labelled a 'turkey'.
Essentially playing like Lock Stock and Two Smoking Blades – the Knights of The Round Table re-imagined as rough diamond 'geezahs' from the East End – KALOTS was supposed to be the first instalment of a new Arthurian franchise under Ritchie's command.
Sadly (sort of), the advance reviews for KALOTS were so poor that the plug was immediately pulled on any sequels involving King Arfur and co.
ALIEN: COVENANT
Director: Ridley Scott. Starring: Michael Fassbender, Katherine Waterston, Danny McBride, Billy Crudup
OH Ridley, why did you listen to them? Having caved to Alien fanboy pressure in the wake of his unfairly derided 'don't call it an Alien prequel' 2012 sci-fi epic Prometheus, the director decided to try having his cake while also eating it with Alien: Covenant.
Thus, we got lots of face-palm inducing action/horror bits involving a succession of idiotic humans queuing up to be slaughtered before a 'Ripley-lite' heroine saves the day, plus a few excellent scenes featuring Michael Fassbender in a double role in which loose ends from Prometheus (and indeed the original Alien) were tied up.
Apparently, Scott is directing a sequel to the film, so hopefully lessons have been learned.
