SHE has been dubbed a one-woman mental health musician and certainly Belfast blues singer Kaz Hawkins has more right than most to claim the title.
After surviving sexual abuse, drugs and alcohol addiction, self-harm, depression and a violent relationship, her song should really be Gloria Gaynor's I will Survive, although she is happy to say she found salvation in her own cathartic songwriting.
Now, the award-winning, inimitable Ms Hawkins has put her extraordinary life to music in a new show which opens at The MAC later this month.
My Life And I is a brutal, no-holds-barred soundtrack to a painful, personal journey to becoming not only a survivor-against-the-odds, but award-winning singer-songwriter to boot – as well as vocal supporter for Aware NI, for whom she released a charity single entitled Don’t Slip Away.
It is a timely reintroduction to her fans at large, having relaunched herself as a solo artist this year, but Hawkins feels the time is right to put her life under the musical microscope for closer inspection.
"This new show came about completely organically," she says from her sick bed, while convalescing from pneumonia which she says unexpectedly knocked her for six.
"I launched my last album, Don't You Know at Belfast Cathedral last year and I only intended to do that one show, as the album was really just a personal nod to my inner fighter," she says. "But then people wanted to book it as a show, so I created My Life And I out of that experience.
"It really is all about me, but each song represents a time I suffered and how I used music to conquer my demons. It's brutally honest, as that's the only way I believe mental health can move forward from the stigma that drowns it."
Needless to say, the work has been "emotionally draining", but Hawkins – regional Blues Act of the Year in the 2018 Form UK Blues Awards – feels compelled to give every last bit of herself to her audience so that topics like depression, suicide, self-harm, domestic violence "and so much more" can be openly aired and discussed.
With all that has happened in her life thus far – and she is still only 45 – pneumonia was the last thing she needed, but ever the stoic, when we spoke, she was "healing good" and ready for her UK tour this month.
"It just shows that we really do have to take care of our bodies," she reflects. "I've been training and getting healthy all year with Northern Ireland Strong Man Chris McNaughten, so I thought I was gaining strength back. Lesson learned, though – I think I need to take things at a slower pace. If I don't function, then the show won't either.
"The pneumonia was all the more unexpected because I have actually had less stress this year, now that I am an independent artist and don't have all the costs of a touring band."
And it has been quite a year so far, with Hawkins performing in France for the first time, singing and also giving unofficial counselling sessions during her time away from the stage.
"I was in Beauvais, France, for the Blues Autour du Zinc Festival in March for about eight days and I had the chance to give talks to schools and prisons about mental health and music while I was there," she says.
"It's amazing how Europeans are much more open to discussions on mental health and when we did the sessions in the prisons, it was overwhelming. We went to a high security prison and around 25 prisoners attended – these guys were everything from gun-runners to drug dealers and murderers.
"I was very aware, of course, that my own story could have been very different and I could have ended up in a place just like them – only for my music."
Born into the bombs and bullets of Belfast, her younger self was traumatised "behind closed doors" by a family member (now deceased) who sexually abused her from the age of four until she was 12.
This in turn led to "destructive teenage years" when she self-harmed and starved herself to block out the abuse, but she couldn't contain it entirely and all the pent-up pain came crashing down around her as an adult.
After her third child was born in 1995, the one-time finalist in television talent show Opportunity Knocks suffered a total break down and was sectioned into Windsor House in Belfast.
"At that time, my court case fell apart and my abuser got away with it because I was deemed unfit to testify," she recalls. "I then self-medicated with anything to numb the pain – drugs, alcohol. I had no self-worth at all, so I ended up with the wrong men who used me for their own ends."
The nadir was having to put her children into foster care "so they had a chance", while she spiralled further downwards at the hands of an abusive ex-boyfriend, from whom she eventually "got free".
"That time of my life is summed up in my song, Lipstick and Cocaine – the doctor, the policeman and my mother coming to me from the grave in hallucinations, saying, 'One more fight...'," she recalls.
"That was the turning point and I fought to get my children back and tried to be a mother again. I had a covers band to just get by and I got clean from the cocaine I had become addicted to. Then, in 2011 I ventured out with my original songs for the first time."
While she doesn't claim to hold the panacea for every problem, she aims to share what worked for her and, more than anything, offer hope to others who are struggling.
"I think people connect with my honesty," she says, "but, don't get me wrong – I have fun with my fans. If I take the mickey out of myself on stage, I'll hear gasps of shock, but then I say, 'this is my life, my story' and I'm the only one who can take the mickey out of it."
Intertwined with the sad, shocking, funny life story of La Hawkins will be the songs that saved her – a mix of blues, gospel, soul, pop and ballads.
Now a proud grandmother, these days she finds meditation helps keep her calm and she has also started collecting crystals.
"There's nothing like burning incense, getting lost in the calm and focusing on what you need to do..." she adds. "And, there's so much still to do – every day is a blessing, but I still want to walk barefoot in Yellowstone National Park in the US, do the full Missisippi Blues Trail, go to New Orleans for the Mardi Gras and duet with Andrea Bocelli.
"I don't ask for much, but I like to dream..."
:: My Life and I – with special guest Sam York (Tom Jones/Ed Sheeran) – is on at The Mac on October 11. For details visit kazhawkins.com/tour
