“THE name’s ffolkes, Rufus Excalibur ffolkes (with two small ‘f’s, by the way)” is hardly “The name’s Bond, James Bond” when it comes to memorable on-screen introductions, is it? However, if you’ve ever wondered how Roger Moore got his time in between stints as Alan Partridge’s favourite 007, it’s a name you’ll need to remember.
ffolkes, you see, is the decidedly oddball hero of North Sea Hijack, Wild Geese director Andrew V McLaglen’s utterly insane action film from 1980, and he’s a character so wildly over the top that it’s easy to imagine Moore’s trademark eyebrow rising towards the ceiling when he was first handed the script.
A whiskey guzzling, hipster beard boasting, cat-loving, woman-hating military strategist who’s fond of a bit of cross stitching and wearing a bizarre Where’s Wally? woolly hat, ffolkes is certainly unforgettable. I appreciate the film-makers wanted a lead character as far removed from Bond as possible - Moore would make Moonraker the same year - but this is ridiculous.
The story sees ffolkes being called in by the British government when a non-politically affiliated terrorist group take over two oil rigs in the North Sea and threaten to blow them sky high unless they receive payment of 25 million quid. ffolkes must come up with a plan before the terrorists press the button.
It all feels like an episode of Moore’s old TV series The Persuaders, or perhaps, given the slightly grittier era in which it’s set, The Professionals as written by a 10-year-old boy and directed by someone who’s only ever worked with Action Man dolls. Either way, it’s nuts - but in a good ‘Boys Own adventure’ kind of way, of course.
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It also boasts a cult-friendly cast list to die for: Anthony ‘Psycho’ Perkins plays the terrorist leader with a wide-eyed intensity all his own, James Mason harrumphs for his country as a snooty-nosed admiral and David Hedison from Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea appears as one of the good guys, with the sole purpose of upping the quota of American actors on screen - presumably to appease Stateside financial backers and little more.
The rest of the cast is peopled with all manner of familiar English Thespian faces that will make you mutter “Isn’t that the bloke from Midsomer Murders?” and “Wasn’t yer woman in To The Manor Born?” as you play the old game of ‘spot the character actor’ that these type of films are always great for.
Action wise, it’s a bit of a slow-burner that takes an eternity to get going, with Moore mostly wasted for the first hour sitting around offices polishing up on his needle craft while insulting every woman who passes his gaze.
What could have been a thumpingly good ‘Die Hard on an oil rig’ adventure winds up too talky to ever be thought of as a true classic. Despite that, it’s still a good watch, with the ever-reliable Roger Moore playing a character that’s a million miles away from Bond - and clearly having the time of his life doing so.
