Over the last few decades pop culture has popularised intense, passionate female friendship: from the ironclad connection between Sex and the City’s four protagonists to the original (and quite literal) ride or die duo Thelma and Louise.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m delighted that these potent, platonic relationships between women are being rightfully celebrated but as a result we’re often peddled this narrative that if our friends won’t drive off a cliff for us or they don’t come to our aid with an empowering and emotive speech then they should be regarded with a heavy dose of suspicion.
Every few months discourse on the pros and cons of ‘low-maintenance’ or ‘low-stakes’ friendships pops up on social media like clockwork. People routinely take to platforms like X or TikTok to lambast those who don’t dole out their time and effort to all their friends in equal measure or (like me) who leave messages unread for days on end or (occasionally) flake on plans...
I read a post shared on X a few weeks ago that said ‘you guys must think friendship is just going to brunch, going on trips together and taking pictures of each other’. Although I can see why some may perceive that to be a shallow and superficial definition of friendship I would argue that it’s healthy - maybe even necessary, to have those friends that you only catch up with over a cocktail or see once in a blue moon.
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you guys must think friendship is just going to brunch, going on trips together and taking pictures of eachother :/
— cyn💕 (@uxcynn) August 18, 2024
I have a handful of friends that I would define as close – we’ve carried each other through career changes, break-ups and bereavements. We are Desperate Housewives-level close. But it would be draining to extend this amount of energy and commitment to absolutely everyone I know – potentially impossible. Besides, I doubt my third-year university housemate would expect me to send her daily texts or rush to her side in a crisis anyway – I certainly wouldn’t expect her to do that for me.
I still have meaningful, fulfilling relationships with people on the fringes of my social circle – those who I casually bump into on nights out or meet for dinner a few times a year or those who I haven’t spoken to properly in yonks but would gladly see again. Some I’ve known since childhood and others I’ve only met a handful of times. These sorts of friendships add texture to my life and make me feel connected to a wider community.
On this particular occasion even science is on my side. In 1973 sociology professor at Stanford University, Mark Granovetter, published a hugely influential paper called ‘The Strength of Weak Ties’. Prior to the publication of this work it was widely assumed that a person’s well-being depended primarily on the quality of their relationships with close friends and family. However, Granovetter argued (and proved) that the quantity of relationships also matters and that “weak ties” are just as important to us as “strong ties”.
Furthermore, a Harvard study published in 2022 found that having a mix of strong and weak social ties known as “relational diversity” leads to greater life satisfaction. In fact, during the pandemic many people reported missing their “peripheral circle”.
Of course, all relationships hinge on mutuality. The beauty of casual friendships lies in the fact they are just that. You can get away with leaving the other person unread indefinitely or cancelling plans last-minute because they would do the same to you - it’s a lot more hurtful if things feel one-sided which is where many of us, including myself, fall down.
So it’s important to take accountability in these situations: if you feel as though you’re putting 100% into a relationship and consistently only getting 50% in return, perhaps you need to take a step back. You will save yourself a lot of heartache if you stop trying to please everyone and simply take people as you find them.
