Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy, the fourth and final movie in the series, sees its main character tackling the modern dating scene once again.
Two-time Oscar winner Renee Zellweger, 55, who has played Bridget Jones for more than 20 years, is returning after the death of her on-screen husband Mark Darcy, played by Colin Firth, on a humanitarian mission in Sudan four years earlier.
Based on the last book in the series by Helen Fielding, who lost her own husband, Kevin Curran in 2016, the film sees Jones struggle with grief and find joy again with younger man Roxter (Leo Woodall).
Although dating again after the death of a partner can be a rollercoaster of emotions, it is possible says Nicky Wake, founder of Chapter 2 Dating – a platform for widows and widowers to find friendship, companionship or dating – and a widow herself.
So what advice does she have if you are in the same position?
There is no right or wrong time to start dating again
Wake says, from personal experience and through observing her dating app, there is no right or wrong time.
“You should date when it feels right for you and when it feels comfortable,” says Wake.
“As widows, we never move on but we can move forward.
“It’s important to understand that you can look to a new future while also still respecting the love and relationship that you have lost.”
While Marie Curie bereavement counsellor, Sharon Jenkins says it is also OK to choose not to date.
“Some people say they can’t imagine anybody else being in the place of their loved one. There is no right or wrong way,” she says.
Embrace all of your feelings
Research by Chapter 2 found that 90% of widows and widowers surveyed admitted to feeling influenced by the memory of their late partners when seeking a new relationship.
Additionally, 40% said they struggle with balancing memories and 45% felt guilt or hesitation about forming new relationships.
“As a widow or widower, you can go through a thousand emotions in one day. It’s an emotional rollercoaster,” says Wake.
“The overwhelming feeling that I wrestled with was guilt that my late darling husband Andy had his life ripped from him five years ago.
“So the idea of loving again, opening your heart and mind to the idea that there is another chapter ahead of you, there is guilt associated with that.”
Jenkins says that there can be anxiety and fear in finding someone again in case they loose them through death or the breakdown of the relationship.
Love is an unending source, Wake adds, and there is hope and room for a new partner in your future if you choose to do so.
“There is an opportunity to find a way to live with this terrible loss. You never stop grieving, but you learn to live with your grief,” she says.
Tell your date when you feel ready to
Modern dating and meeting people online can be daunting for widows and widowers, as it is may be a stark contrast to how they may have met their previous partner a long time ago.
From her own experiences on apps, she found it difficult to know when to tell someone about her loss.
“There is no wrong or right answer to telling someone you are a widow. It can be confusing because you question, do I put it on my profile, do I tell them on the first date or do I tell them further in?,” she says.
After having some misunderstandings of her grieving process on mainstream dating apps, Wake however decided to create her own site for widows and widowers, which essentially avoided the debate of when to tell your date.
Jenkins, however, says when to tell someone depends on your personality, your experience and what you have been through.
“I would want to be upfront from the beginning so if I was having a bad day or grieving, I would want that person to know that is a part of me and who I am,” she says.
Be gentle with yourself
As the modern dating world can be scary and overwhelming, Wake says to be gentle with yourself.
“If your guilt or emotions are too much, you should give yourself time.
“If you do take a tentative step into dating and it doesn’t feel right, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with putting that part on pause and waiting until you feel slightly more stronger or resilient.
“Be kind to yourself and take your time,” she says.
Jenkins also advises to take small steps, go and meet some people, join a group or build up your confidence to go and learn to talk to people again.
“It might not be with intention of dating as such but small steps might encourage you to trust again and build up to being ready for something more,” she says.
If you’re living with a terminal illness or have been affected by dying, death and bereavement, visit mariecurie.org.uk or call 0800 090 2309 or email support@mariecurie.org.uk
