Dear Meghan: My daughter is nine and is generally a great kid. However, for years I’ve noticed she has a very low tolerance for frustration or failure.
When trying something new, if she can’t immediately master it, she completely freezes. This generally means whining and begging for someone to do the task for her, often getting angry if they refuse. “It’s impossible,” and “Why won’t anyone help me?!” are common refrains.
I don’t think these things are beyond her ability, they just require her to push herself a bit. And she will do this for activities she has repeatedly completed in the past. Unless she is 100 percent confident in her ability to do something right the first time, her instinct seems to be to balk.
My general rule is I will help her but not unless she has at least tried on her own. This often leads us to frustrating impasses.
I’ve tried talking to her when things are calm. We’ve discussed that her coaches and I give her challenges we think she is ready for - not impossible ones! - and how if she doesn’t think she can do it, she’s setting herself up for failure.
I often say, “We can do hard things.” I’ve also honestly told her my patience for doing these activities, which are hobbies she enjoys and wants me to do with her, is limited if she behaves like this. She always insists she wants to continue said activities though generally tunes out of my “hard things” pep talks.
Do I just keep on? Is there anything else I can try? I hate to withdraw from these activities because I hope the exposure to frustration will eventually build some tolerance.
- Quitting
Dear Quitting: Just reading this letter leaves me frustrated; that’s a lot of back and forth. And I get it: With a typical kid, all of the tricks you’ve been using may work.
You let her try on her own, and then help. You’ve tried talking to her when she’s calm. You’ve told her you and her coaches only give her challenges you think she can handle.
You give her pep talks. You’ve told her about your own frustration. This perfectionism has been happening for years, so my curiosity is around whether she started whining and then the power struggles began, whether there’s another issue that needs more support (anxiety, neurodiversity, other challenges) or whether it’s a combination (which is most likely the case).
Let’s begin with the basics and stop doing what isn’t working. I would guess there is too much talking happening here. When we talk endlessly at and to our children, they tune out (which you’re already experiencing).
No-one - adults or children - takes in a lecture or pep talk if they don’t feel understood first, and it could be that your daughter doesn’t have a lot of room to be frustrated. Are there techniques and ways to help her? Sure, but none of them will work until you stop lecturing her and start listening to her.
When we talk endlessly at and to our children, they tune out. No-one - adults or children - takes in a lecture or pep talk if they don’t feel understood first
Try listening more and you may find solutions in her complaints. If you begin mirroring her emotions - “So, this task feels impossible to do” or “You feel like no-one will help you” - she may begin to relax enough for you to say: “So, tell me what would change if someone helped you?” or “What about this task feels impossible?”
Maybe she won’t have an answer or maybe, just maybe, your daughter will give you a response that makes sense. While I get the “waiting to help her until she tries once” rule, you actually don’t need to adhere to that. It’s not building the resilience you want to see.
If your daughter is suffering from anxiety or another challenge, you may need more support, starting with her pediatrician. As tiring as this may be, please write a detailed list of when the whining and wanting to quit began, as well as everyone it happens with. You will want to look at patterns; it will be helpful if you need to reach out to specialists.
To be clear, you will need to parent differently, regardless of whether a diagnosis calls for it, but you will parent more effectively with more information.
In the meantime, let’s shift our perspective on helping her build some more tolerance for failure. Most humans (children especially) learn best in apprenticeship-like relationships.
Of course, some children seem to forge ahead on their own, unafraid of trying things and, even if they fail, they keep going, but most children like to work next to their parents or teacher. I would try bypassing all the power struggles with the talking and back and forth, and begin by teaching her. Model the activity or challenge, have her try, rinse and repeat.
Rather than focusing on the mastery of the task, we focus on building resilience for years to come. When kids fail with a compassionate parent nearby (who doesn’t shame or bypass their emotions with false cheer), it’s more likely they will feel sad, move through it and try again.
Meghan Leahy is the mother of three daughters and the author of Parenting Outside the Lines. She holds a bachelor’s degree in English and secondary education and a master’s degree in school counselling and is a certified parent coach. Send a question about parenting to onparenting@washpost.com, and it may show up in a future column.
-Washington Post
