I CHANGED our newborn son’s name and now my husband is upset.
After months of haggling and arguing we eventually agreed to call our first child James when he was born. It was nowhere near my first choice, but I agreed because my husband’s late dad was called Jim, and he thought the world of him.
However, when our lovely son was born, I just didn’t see him as a James. So when the nurse asked me for his name, I said Liam.
When my husband came in later that day, he was furious, and we had a nasty row. We hardly spoke for much of the following week and things haven’t really improved three months on. He is still upset about it and mentions it almost every day.
When our lovely son was born, I just didn’t see him as a James. So when the nurse asked me for his name, I said Liam
Not wanting this to drag on any longer, I agreed yesterday that we could get the name changed to James.
I thought this would make him happy, but he just lost his rag again. He says it it’s too late now as everyone has got used to calling him Liam, including Liam himself probably. Well, if that’s the case, why is he still grumbling about it?
And why is he being so childish about the whole thing?
- RH
FIONA SAYS: Apologise and consider adding ‘James’ as a middle name to compromise.
Do you really think he is being childish? Your husband clearly loved his father, so James was a significant choice for him. Also, he probably feels let down that, after much debate, you made a joint decision to do something, which you then ignored and did what you wanted.
If this were a trivial matter of ignoring an agreement on what to eat for dinner or where to go for a coffee, it almost certainly wouldn’t matter.
But this is about the name of your first-born child; it matters and in the context of your father-in-law, even more so. Given this, I’m not sure he’s being childish.
In fact, I suspect he feels just as disappointed and angry as you would be had he ignored your joint decision. What if you had agreed to name the baby after your father and he had named your son something else in your absence. Can you see that perhaps he has grounds to feel a little aggrieved here? This issue has dragged on and needs resolving before it damages your relationship further.
Did you apologise for ignoring the arrangement? If not, now would be a good time, if only to calm things down.
At this stage it may feel too disruptive to change your son’s first name, though it is possible legally. As his birth was registered less than 12 months ago, you can contact the local Register Office and arrange for a correction to the certificate.
Rather than change the first name, though, it might be simpler (and less contentious) to add ‘James’ as his second name. This would also give your son the freedom to choose whichever name he prefers to use when he is older.
Hopefully, this will be enough for you and your husband to start to rebuild your relationship before it goes right off the rails.
MY HUSBAND HAS LEFT ME AFTER 25 YEARS FOR SOMEONE I THOUGHT WAS A CLOSE FRIEND
I ALWAYS thought my marriage was a good one, built on love, trust and respect. And after 25 years, I thought we would grow old together.
However, my husband shocked me two weeks ago when he said he was leaving me to be with someone I had always thought of as a close friend.
She lives nearby and has been a part of our circle of friends for years. I had coffee with her almost every week and we would often take short holidays together whenever my husband went on one of his extended cycling trips.
In short, I trusted her and valued her friendship, not knowing that for the past three years she’s been having an affair with my husband. It hurts and I am struggling to understand what has happened.
I am trying to hold myself together, but I still spend most of the day either crying or shouting about my husband and my ex-friend.
I can’t face seeing people right know so have been on my own in the flat a lot of the time, which feels weirdly empty. Nor have I been to work since the split: I don’t want my colleagues to see me in this state. My boss has called a couple of times, but I couldn’t deal with that. I am so confused, and I am not sleeping.
How can two people who, outwardly at least, expressed love and friendship for me treat me like this? Is it something I did?
Do you think that things can go back to the way they were?
- JR-C
FIONA SAYS: You’ve been badly let down - seek avenues of support like counselling to help you cope.
It’s natural that you should feel hurt, angry and confused after a betrayal on this scale. All these emotions are valid so please don’t try to suppress them, and it’s OK to cry too.
The one emotion that is not valid is guilt, so please don’t blame yourself for any of this. The decision to cheat reflects badly on the other two, not you.
You’ve been let down badly by those you trusted, so it’s going to take time to process this and decide what you want to do next and being on your own isn’t really helping.
You’ve been let down badly by those you trusted, so it’s going to take time to process this and decide what you want to do next
Can you turn to family or other friends for support? If not, consider counselling with an agency like Relate (relate.org.uk).
Your letter suggests that you’ve had no contact with your husband since he left, so I am not sure how realistic it is to wonder if he will come back.
Even if he does, it may never be possible to re-build the level of trust you had before. Rather than dwell on this it may be better to focus on letting go and building a new life for yourself.
Relate produces a paid-for fact sheet on moving on after divorce which you might find useful, though there’s also plenty of free information on the internet.
Finally, I know it’s hard but if you’ve not spoken to your employer since the split, please do so soon. The last thing you need right now is to lose your job on top of everything else that has happened.
If you don’t feel up to work talk with your GP who may be able to issue a not-fit-for work note and refer you to a local counselling service if appropriate.
Pass this onto your employer and, if needed, explain that you need some time off to deal with personal matters, there’s no need to over-share details.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona: help@askfiona.net. All letters are treated in complete confidence.
