Hen and stag dos can be great fun – but what if all your friends seem to be getting married soon and you have a long list of invites to expensive weekend-long celebrations stacking up?
Even one invitation – if it doesn’t fit within your budget or your plans – might be causing some anxiety. And we shouldn’t feel pressured to going, says BACP accredited psychotherapist and anxiety expert, Kamalyn Kaur.
“It is absolutely OK to say no to a hen do if you don’t feel comfortable with the costs or time commitment. Celebrations like these can sometimes come with high expenses, or require time off that might not be feasible for everyone. It’s important to prioritise your personal and financial wellbeing.”
Why do we feel so much pressure to attend?
Feeling expected to attend events like a hen or stag often stems from a combination of social and emotional factors, Kaur explains.
“Events like hen dos are significant in certain cultures and friend groups, and there’s often an expectation to be part of these special moments – especially when they involve close friends or family members. People worry that declining an invitation might hurt someone’s feelings, leading to guilt about not being part of the celebration.
“We often fear that by not attending, we will miss out on bonding experiences or weaken our relationships with others in the group, so we feel pressured to be present. There’s often a ‘fear of missing out’, when everyone else is going, and it can feel isolating to say no. We might worry about being left out of future plans or conversations, or that others will view us as unsupportive.”
Reciprocity pressure can play a part in it too, she notes. If someone has been there for your significant events in the past, you might feel obligated to return the favour, even if it’s not ideal for you. “These factors combine to create an internal conflict, even when attending may not be in our best interest.”
There’s also often a fear of disappointing a good friend, or worry or fear of regretting your decision later on.
“On the flip side, not attending may also give you a sense of relief, especially if the financial or time commitments were overwhelming, as not attending allows you to maintain your personal boundaries.”
How do you decline without affecting your friendship?
Kaur suggests you try to be “honest, thoughtful, clear, and empathetic”, while keeping the focus on your reasons.
“Opt for a personal, direct conversation either in person or over the phone, as this allows for a more open and understanding dialogue. I would strongly advise not texting, as it comes across as impersonal and as though you don’t care. Emotion and tone can also be misinterpreted over texts,” she adds.
Acknowledge the importance of the event and thank your friend for inviting you. “This shows you value his or her friendship and understand the significance of the occasion,” says Kaur.
“Be honest and clear when sharing your reason for not being able to attend in a straightforward but sensitive way. Whether it’s due to financial limitations, work commitments, or personal reasons, being clear helps avoid misunderstandings. Frame it in a way that shows it’s about your situation, not the event itself.”
Let them know that although you can’t attend, you still want to celebrate with them in other ways. To show your love and support, you could “offer to celebrate their special day doing something that is financially feasible for you – such as taking them out for lunch, dinner, afternoon tea, a spa day or anything else that is aligned with your budget and time commitments”, adds Kaur. “This is a great way to show your friend that although you can’t be there for the hen do, you would still like to celebrate with them in some way or another.”
Most people will understand and appreciate your honesty, but your friend may not be expecting it, so acknowledge their feelings. Kaur adds: “Understand that she might be disappointed, and that’s OK. Acknowledge how she might feel and let her know that his or her friendship is important to you.
“Being open, honest, genuine and caring will help your friend see that even though you can’t attend, you still care deeply about them and their special day.”
To find a counsellor registered with the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, visit bacp.co.uk
