I asked my three daughters if they had remembered my mum who had passed away at age 59. “She did stuff with us. She spent time with us. We made spiders out of pipe cleaners once. It was cool”.
“Do you remember any of the presents?” I asked. “No” was their answer.
Whilst I am writing to you about money, the power of consumerism is rooted in psychology with social media sites able to profile down to even knowing when someone is in their menstrual cycle. I find that disturbing and how profiling may push people into excessive spending, further fuelling a Neoliberalist stranglehold over society. There is nothing good can come from that. Nothing.
Chatting to a few of my psychologist friends, they looked at the mindset of spending. It’s better I coach people to control money leakage, than focus on constantly trying to fill that bucket with the leaks in it.
And so, we agreed, it’s presence over presents, and here is why.
Consider ‘connection over consumption’. We’re wired for connection. Psychologists describe it as a core human need - to feel seen, valued, and loved. When we sit down for dinner without phones, when we look into someone’s eyes and listen - not to reply but to understand - we nourish this need.
How often do we simply sit and watch the miracles in front of us like our loved one’s eyes blink, their chest rise and fall as their lungs absorb oxygen, as do our organs and then exhale waste as carbon dioxide. It’s quite something.
In contrast, consumerism replaces connection with clutter. Gifts are lovely, but they can sometimes often act as band-aids, covering up the emotional needs not being met. Yeah, I know, bah humbug etc, but read on, its good.
Now consider ‘Memories Outlast Objects’. Ask someone about their happiest moments and you’ll rarely hear about a shiny gadget. Instead, you’ll hear about the shared laughs, the impromptu road trips, or dad’s famous Sunday roasts which went seriously wrong. Experiences matter because they form the stories we carry through life. A new toy might gather dust, but memories? Priceless.
Think about ‘Reducing Stress and Comparison’. Consumer culture fuels comparison. Who got the biggest gift? Who spent the most? Parents know the pressure to create a “perfect Christmas” or birthday. But those curated ideals rarely bring happiness - they bring stress. Presence, on the other hand, asks for nothing except your time and attention. There’s no price tag or competition attached.
Attention: The Currency of Love. Children especially understand love through attention. They want us to watch them climb a tree, hear about their scraped knee, and celebrate their victories. It’s not the expensive toys which build trust and emotional security - it’s being present when they call out “watch me!”
The Gift of Time. In a world which glorifies “busy,” giving someone your undivided time is revolutionary. Time says ‘You’ matter. It tells our loved ones they are more important than emails, chores, or Netflix queues. And the beauty? Attention doesn’t cost a penny.
Presence feeds the heart. It meets our need for connection, emotional security, and meaning in ways that material goods never will. When we focus on ‘being’ instead of ‘having’, we discover the real fulfilment - not in things, but in each other.
As the holidays approach, we might ask ourselves: what would they cherish more in the long run - a moment shared, or a gift unwrapped? Years from now, they’ll remember you. Your laughter, your stories and the way you made them feel seen.
My rule is that no-one buys me anything. I don’t need anything and I have enough shorts and flip flops to see me out. Give me attention - that’s grand. My girls responded 10 years ago with vouchers of ‘breakfast in bed’ and ‘hugs’ or ‘cup of tea’. They clearly got it but they didn’t repeat it because I never used them. That’s because I wanted to keep them as a memory of ‘they got it’ – which was my biggest present.
As more years go by, I attend less weddings and more passings of course, and often look at my phone thinking: ‘oh what I would give to see my phone light up with your name’.
Presents or presence? Making memories.
- Peter McGahan is chief executive of independent financial adviser Worldwide Financial Planning, which is authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority. If you have a financial query, call 028 6863 2692 or email info@wwfp.net
