Jordan Stephens pinpoints a particularly painful breakup as the “catalyst” for changing the trajectory of his life.
The relationship ended when he was around 26 or 27, after the Rizzle Kicks musician cheated on his then-partner in a drug-fuelled mistake at a friend’s wedding.
Now 32 – and dating Little Mix singer Jade Thirlwall – Stephens looks back at it as “the catalyst for me making changes that would then go on to make me more sustainable and boundaried – and then, consequently, [a more] loving and available person”.
The breakdown of the relationship is recounted in almost excrutiating detail in Stephens’ new memoir, Avoidance, Drugs, Heartbreak And Dogs. In an early scene, he tells his ex about his infidelity, saying: ‘You have to understand it’s got nothing to do with you. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I was hurting myself. Honestly. I’m sorry.’
The musician, presenter and actor admitting that writing the book was “triggering”. It dives into the aftermath of the breakup – Stephens’ guilt, depression, and questionable coping mechanisms, including heavily self-medicating with drugs.
He even travels to Brazil on something of a spiritual journey to deal with his complicated emotions, where an acupuncturist informs his uncle he’s ‘too depressed for Eastern medicine’ in a darkly comic moment.
“I did spiral a bit,” he says of writing the book. “But the funny thing is, it was a really good evaluation of where I’m at now – because I’m writing about spirals I’d have historically that would end up not only damaging me, but damaging people that I cared about.
“It was quite destructive. Whereas now, when I was reliving it, my spiral was having maybe three more croissants than normal.”
Stephens doesn’t hold back about his past drug-taking in the memoir, and adds now: “I’m an addict – but my go-to vices have been heavily altered. I’m also incredibly healthy, for example, so if I’m eating loads of cake, I’m probably feeling something. Then I would look at that, and deal with it in a healthier way.”
Now, he says his coping mechanisms are a lot more positive – including therapy and sleep. Plus, Stephens says he was only able to write the book with the support of his partner of four years, Thirlwall, who has just launched her solo singing career.
“I’ve been very fortunate to be now in a stable, loving relationship, and that was a lot of the reason why I could revisit that former self of mine,” he says, in a moment of candour about a relationship that’s been relatively shielded from the public eye.
Getting perspective on this “former self” has been important for Stephens. “I remember really not believing that I could feel what I feel now… It’s painful, of course, because I wish I could understand the stuff I know now sooner. But then I guess some people would argue that’s part of the journey.
“I do think it happened a little later for me, because of fame – that growth into maturity.”
Stephens rose to fame as one half of hip hop duo Rizzle Kicks alongside Harley ‘Sylvester’ Alexander-Sule, with two albums released in 2011 and 2013.
Since splitting in 2015, he’s gone on to present ITV2 panel show Don’t Hate The Playaz, acted in sitcoms like Netflix’s Feel Good, wrote the 2022 children’s book The Missing Piece – and just days ago, Rizzle Kicks announced they were reforming.
But does Stephens think he would have experienced the level of personal growth he did, without the breakup? Ultimately, yes, but he adds: “What’s scary to think is how long could I have [taken]… before holding myself accountable, accepting my chaotic patterns of behaviour.”
Since writing an article in the Guardian in 2017 titled ‘Toxic masculinity is everywhere. It’s up to us men to fix this’, Stephens has become something of a leading voice on modern masculinity in the UK, and it’s a topic he speaks passionately about.
“In my experience, it’s more common that men in society can go a long time avoiding s***, because we’ve glamourised how to do that,” he reflects.
“We’ve glamourised drinking culture and drug culture. And our society isn’t really set up in a way that men need to really grow up in order to be successful, which is kind of terrifying.”
And yet, Stephens thinks change would have happened for him and he would have worked through his issues – at some point. “I very much believe that pain is stored in the body. And if men, or anybody, avoids it, suppresses it – it will come out. Don’t know how, but it will come out.”
While Stephens does look back and think it’s a “funny paradox” that the newspaper article went viral when he was in the midst of a messy breakup and self-destructive cycle, he’s now set on his “duty” to talk about these issues.
“I understand that it is my duty to society – that word can feel different to different people, but I mean it in the healthiest sense,” he explains.
“I don’t think I can expect myself to add in a different voice and and not have some kind of conversation and debate. The older I get, the more grip I have on my own lack of knowing. But then I do actually think I have some guidance to share – and that’s my responsibility.
“One of the main things that stresses me out about community and society is there isn’t enough paternal energy out there. I do feel a responsibility to younger boys and men to show them my unique outlook on growth, which is inescapably masculine and male, because those are two aspects of my being.”
For Stephens, a big part of combating toxic masculinity is offering boys an alternative to the negative news cycle.
“We are perpetually shown what I would like to believe is a smaller percentage of men who are doing f****** awful s***, constantly. That seems to be the priority of a news cycle – I guess that’s the nature of negative bias.
“But I really want boys, especially young boys going into their teens, to start building up a really resilient concept of self-love. Not an overcompensating, power-abusing makeshift form of it – I mean an understanding of their own energy, their bodies.”
That, for Stephens, is the first step to “then start talking about the real issues, like consent, like domestic violence”.
He doesn’t want men to forget where they came from. “We are half woman – we forget this as boys, [that] we’re genetically half our mothers,” he adds.
“I worry that there’s not that understanding of that part of ourselves we’re totally disconnected from. Self-love for boys – I think that would really change the way we look at things.
“And there are so many incredible boys and men in our society… Wouldn’t it be lovely for us to focus on their achievements?”
Avoidance, Drugs, Heartbreak And Dogs by Jordan Stephens is published by Canongate Books, priced £16.99. Available August 22.
