“I must have annoyed him in some way because he took a pair of scissors and before I know it had cut off a lump of my hair at the back. My lovely hair. I was ashamed to go out. He just laughed and went about his business.”
“I was writing poetry or at least trying to and I’d three notebooks full of finished poems. I found it took my mind off tensions with my husband. One evening he got mad at me for forgetting to pick up his suit from the cleaners, yet again he began telling me I was a useless, then he lifted my notebooks and threw them in the fire.”
“She nags me constantly, always criticising me and accusing me of being a failure. It means I’m beginning to stay away from my home to avoid the emotional pain she inflicts. It’s an awful way to live.”
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These are examples of abusive and especially coercive behaviour which has been said to be the polar opposite to freedom. It can be aggressive and physical or it can be subtle and gradually undermine confidence, zapping self-esteem and taking away any pleasure in a relationship. Abusive behaviour can include, but is not limited to, coercive control, psychological and emotional abuse, physical and sexual abuse, economic abuse, and online and technological abuse.
No Respecter of Gender
Anyone, male or female, can use coercive tactics to get what they want, be it power or self-satisfaction. I suppose it creeps into all our lives to a degree at some time or another but when it is practised constantly and with no regrets there is no doubting coercive control.
Although certainly not exclusively, it tends to be women who suffer this type of behaviour and most often apparently it is the man of the house who is the perpetrator.
Of course, in general, a partnership will work well with the occasional blips but it seems more and more women are turning to organisations like Women’s Aid for help.
But do men suffer the same way? Yes, they do and the experiences are very similar; monitoring texts, wanting to know where you are at any given time, repeatedly putting you down, calling you names or telling you that you are worthless.
Control of finances is common in this situation. Women can find themselves with nothing, not knowing about the running of the house whether there’s a will giving security to her and their children, no bank card, relying on the man to provide her with the necessities, denying her vital the basics, even sanitary products.
Abusive behaviour can include, but is not limited to, coercive control, psychological and emotional abuse, physical and sexual abuse, economic abuse, and online and technological abuse
The list goes on: trying to isolate you from your friends and family, trying to stop you going to work, damaging your possessions or threatening to share sexual images or videos of you.
In both male and female situations coercive control is about power. I asked Sonya McMullan of Women’s Aid are there not warning signs during the days of dating?
The answer is that every case is different. This charity helps women from all walks of life and from all backgrounds and every situation is unique. “More often than not it’s a slow process over a long period of time depriving the woman of her rights until she loses self confidence, is unsure of herself and her decisions,” says Sonya.
But why can she not stand up to this form of bullying? I know at least one women who has gone into a marriage with stars in her eyes, the perfect man, attentive and loving.
Not All It Seemed
However, gradually little things began to happen; she’d arrange to go out for the evening with her friends but at the last minute he’d have a work situation that had to be attended to and it was too late to arrange a baby sitter. Then it was comments about her appearance: “Are you seriously going to eat that with your weight problem.” She didn’t have a weight problem. What started out as a romantic twosome eventually became two opposing people until she was brave enough to seek help.
It’s important that recent legislation has made coercive behaviour and abuse a criminal offence.
If you need support from Women’s Aid visit womensaidni.org or call the 24 hour domestic and sexual abuse helpline, 0808 8021414, details at dsahelpline.org
For Men’s Advisory Project, telephone Belfast 028 9024 1929, Foyle 028 7116 0001, Monday to Friday, 9am-5pm. Email info@mapni.co.uk or visit their website, mapni.co.uk. The phone offers an answering machine for messages and a safe and suitable time will be arranged for someone to call you back.
