What a time to be a woman in Northern Ireland. Yet more headlines and horrendous allegations. Why is this happening? Why, still, as a society, are we not addressing misogyny with any urgency?
My blood was boiling as I read in more detail of how Jonathan Creswell treated his former partners. He was found dead last Wednesday, one day after his trial for the murder of promising showjumper Katie Simpson began.
I watched in horror as Abi Lyle, a former partner, described Creswell’s violent, threatening and abhorrent behaviour towards her. She was visibly shaken as she recounted her experience. She was lucky that she got him out of her life.
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I admired her bravery. By talking openly, she might help others recognise that when someone you are in a relationship with treats you this way, it is not OK - far from it.
Could you or someone you know be in an abusive relationship and not know it? That is the question posed in part one of a BBC Sounds podcast series on the subject of femicide - Assume Nothing: Femicide, Eight Steps To Stop A Murder.
Too often, when a woman is murdered by her partner, the murder is described as a crime of passion, a one-off, the old ‘bad apple’ analogy.
In this series, Professor Jane Monckton-Smith says that we are looking at femicide all wrong, and that there is a blueprint for murder. The first few steps in this timeline include love bombing and control. These behaviours should raise alarm, and are more common than you might think.
I listened to the whole podcast series in one go. Unfortunately, like most women, I recognised some of the scenarios presented from my own experience and the experiences of others. The series lays out some of the supports available for women who might be victims of domestic abuse. Help is available. We find ourselves in a position that we need to background check potential partners.
Through the podcast, I learned about Clare’s Law. According to the PSNI website, this is a scheme which “enables the police to release information about any previous history of violence or abuse a person might have”. Under this Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, you can “apply for information about your current or ex-partner because you are worried that they might have a history of abuse and are a risk to you”.
From gaslighting to breadcrumbing, the list of unhealthy behaviours in a toxic relationship are endless. The message is listen to your gut. If your instinct is telling you that a situation, a person, is too good to be true, listen to it, and act upon it. Seek out support. It is not your fault
There is also a silent solution. If you are in trouble, distress and in a situation where you can’t speak, dialling 55 after 999 can help someone who finds themselves in danger. When on a night out, if you feel threatened in any way, most hospitality staff are trained to help through the Ask Angela scheme.
There were so many really important, empowering nuggets of information in this series. But while it empowers, it reminds us how prevalent domestic abuse against women is, by telling the fateful stories of eight women whose lives were ended in many different ways. It is a challenging listen.
From gaslighting to breadcrumbing, the list of unhealthy behaviours in a toxic relationship are endless. The message is listen to your gut. If your instinct is telling you that a situation, a person, is too good to be true, listen to it, and act upon it. Seek out support. It is not your fault.
But what about those of us looking on from the sidelines? At an event recently, a guest speaker told the crowd that every woman in that audience will have at one point in their lives been worried about themselves or a friend or relative in terms of being in an abusive relationship.
We pile on the societal pressure to find a partner, whatever the cost. We give women in relationships more status than the single women amongst us. Sometimes the perception of a relationship comes with an expensive price tag.
Involving ourselves in other people’s relationships is still taboo, we are afraid, reluctant to get involved, even when we suspect domestic violence. It’s none of our business, we think.
But we report barking dogs to the police, we report loud music and house parties. And we should report suspected domestic abuse. This action might save a life.
Addressing misogyny in society properly would be much more effective, but while we wait on meaningful change on that front, unfortunately, this podcast series is a must listen for all women.
