“Did you hear about the award the scarecrow got, Grandad?” I was near a family of three generations in a restaurant last week. The craic around their table was terrific, a real happy family outing.
“No I didn’t, what did he get it for?” Pause... we all held our breath. “For being outstanding in his field!” The little boy was beside himself with his successful comic performance, and so were we all.
It made me think about sitting round the table at this time of year and the fun it can be whether it’s family or friends. Jokes get you off to a good start. What about the blond man picking up Christmas cards lying in the porch? The top envelope had a sticker saying ‘Do Not Bend’, so he left them there...
We all have funny things to talk about. Mine are usually embarrassing like going to a gala show in the Opera House during my television days when we dressed to impress, and that night was no exception.
There in my glad rags, blowing air kisses to friends, waving to others thinking I was the bee’s knees when two young women approached. I thought, ‘Where’s my pen?’, all ready to sign autographs. I was gracious and greeted them warmly. Their response floored me: “Anne, do you mean to have three big pink rollers in the back of your hair?”
Red Faces
There was also the time when my friend Brenda got a new blue Vespa motor scooter. We decided to show off by driving through Belfast one lunchtime. It was in the days of short tight skirts so we hitched them up and straddled the scooter, cutting a dash down Donegall Place as far as the traffic lights at what was the Bank Buildings, now Primark.
The lights were red, we stopped resting our feet on the ground for balance. I was admiring myself in the big glass window of the shop when the lights changed, Brenda went into gear and shot off leaving me hunkered down in the middle of the road with my skirt up round my waist. You’ve got to laugh - and people did...
Read more: Why cycling safety is more important than ever: From the school run to the workplace - Anne Hailes
I heard about the couple who bought a Christmas tree in a pot. They nurtured it all year and on December 10 brought it into the house to decorate, a much loved ritual for over 15 years.
I was admiring myself in the big glass window of the shop when the lights changed, Brenda went into gear and shot off leaving me hunkered down in the middle of the road with my skirt up round my waist. You’ve got to laugh - and people did...
However, they decided to go for an early break and the wife’s in-laws offered to come and look after the dogs. “Will you do the tree too?” she asked. “Certainly,” they said.
But when the couple arrived home ready to swing into Christmas action, the tree was missing, with only the pot remaining abandoned outside in the garden. For some reason hey had cut down the tree...
Fishy Story
Reminds me of the BBC cameraman who arrived home very late one night after a day in troubled Belfast. He was tired and hungry and when he found a lovely big salmon in the fridge he cut a steak out of the middle, grilled it and enjoyed a midnight feast.
Next morning his wife asked: “Before you go to work will you take a photo of the salmon in the fridge for the paper, it’s the biggest salmon every caught in the River Bann.” Get out of that one...
You could also tell the one about the man who had it specified in his will that all his money had to be taken from the bank and buried with him. Friends were scandalised but his wife calmed them: “Don’t worry, I just wrote a cheque and put that in the coffin with him.”
The more you talk about funny things the more funny things come to mind so have a go over Christmas and enjoy a laugh.
Why I Won’t Be Going Back to the Abbey Centre
I wasn’t laughing when I went to the Abbey Centre last week. I had one message to do but thought, ‘Now I’m here I’ll do some present buying - but where are the trolleys?’
“We don’t have trolleys any more,” I was told. “There are no supermarkets here, so no need.” Do me a favour... What about all the presents people were going to buy, what about the elderly who rely on having a trolley to fill and support them on a long walk?
I won’t be back. And talking of defying logic, it’s obvious to me that whoever runs our post offices wants an end to delivery service. At one time there was a special cheap stamp for Christmas cards, as long as they weren’t stuck.
As a result millions of cards were sent and the post office made a packet too. Anyway, no cards being sent from me, rather a donation to the Children’s Hospice.
So, from me to you dear reader, have a happy Christmas and a peaceful New Year.
