I THOUGHT my husband and I would enjoy being retired together but instead, we're getting on one another's nerves.
We argue a lot and some of his habits really make me angry, which seems daft after 30 years of marriage. Surely we should be capable of spending time together without grating on one another.
I know I'm driving him spare too but equally, I'm pretty sure neither of us wants a separation, so how do we sort this out?
HG
FIONA SAYS: When you were both working, the time you spent together was probably limited to evenings, weekends and holidays.
You've probably got used to doing what you want to do in the times you are apart and now you're going to have to learn to compromise all over again.
All those annoying habits were probably always there, but because your time together was limited, it never got to the aggravation stage. Now it seems like there is no escape.
Rather than try and force change on one another, why not go back to what you did before and spend some time apart? Maybe you could start new hobbies that you do independently or arrange to visit friends.
Finally, if you still can't find a way to rub along together comfortably any more, do talk to Relate (relate.org.uk) and get some counselling help to sort things out.
HIS MARRIAGE IS A SHAM
I love my man so much, but the problem is that his kids are only young and he doesn't want to leave his wife until they are old enough to understand.
His marriage is a sham as he doesn't love her and I've toyed with the idea of telling her about our relationship so that she'll end it for him.
I'm worried, though that doing so will only make her fight for him.
Do you think I should keep my love for him secret as I'm finding it so hard to be without him?
OT
FIONA SAYS: You only have his word that his marriage is a sham so, if he's lying to you, you will hurt her and their children.
Being a bit of a cynic about men who say things like this, I cannot help but wonder if this man is simply stringing you along.
Could it, perhaps, be a story designed to keep you interested – when in reality he has no intention of leaving his wife?
If you continue with this relationship then your future is going to be painful and uncertain for a long time to come. Is that what you really want?
You believe this man loves you, but he isn't free and even when his children "are old enough to understand" you are going to be hurting several people.
It's going to be like ripping off a plaster, but do it now, do it quickly, walk away from this trouble and give your love to someone who is free to return it.
IS IT TOO LATE TO SAVE OUR RELATIONSHIP?
I got married at 17 and, by the age of 23 had three children.
I'm now 29 and feel as though I'm 59 as I'm so exhausted for most of the time.
On top of that, I think my marriage is about to fall apart as my husband says he needs the single life he missed out on and has started going out nearly every night.
He often doesn't come in until the early hours and although I've told him how unhappy I am about this, he just says that if I were more responsive he might stay in.
I do try, but I'm so tired, it's all I can do to get the children to bed then collapse myself.
We're snapping at one another all the time and I'm afraid it may already be too late to save our marriage.
TP
FIONA SAYS: Please go and see your doctor as soon as you can because exhaustion like that may be symptomatic of something wrong.
Even if it's something as simple as anaemia, treating it could make all the difference to your energy levels.
It's never too late to save a marriage as long as you both want to make it work, but at the moment, you're both trapped feeling resentment and rejection.
You resent his socialising and so naturally become withdrawn and unresponsive. He feels rejected and so goes out even more.
You are both going to have to work hard to break this vicious circle, but if you could get your stamina back it would really help.
You will both need to listen to each other to understand what has gone wrong. With a lot of goodwill and a bit of adjustment, you should be able to find ways to meet each other's needs for socialising, affection, love and support once more.
I'M WORRIED HE NO LONGER HAS FEELINGS FOR ME
I'm in my mid-seventies and have been widowed for over 15 years.
I have a gentleman friend who I used to see regularly, but over the past four months, it's as if he has been making excuses not to see me.
For the last three years, we've been inseparable but about six months ago, he asked me to move in with him.
I refused as I don't want to lose my home, which I own, and his house is one he rents.
I do care deeply for him, but I fear he no longer has any feelings for me.
I hate the thought of being on my own again as I was before I met him.
How do I sort this out?
MD
FIONA SAYS: Is it possible that by turning him down, you have made him feel unloved or rejected?
Did you explain your reasons for saying no?
If you didn't then, for all he knows, you're not that interested in him, so perhaps he's starting to look elsewhere.
Did you consider asking him to move in with you instead and, if not, perhaps you don't feel as deeply for him as he might wish and just see him as a companion. If you still want this relationship to work, then why not take the initiative and ask him to move into your house.
You might want to check this out with a solicitor if you want to retain ownership of your home and you would almost certainly have to draft a new will.
If it turns out he is no longer interested and has moved on, then start looking for ways to make new friends to break up any loneliness you may feel in the future.
There are many clubs, groups and activities for older people or where older people are welcome.
Your local library, branch of Age UK or Social Services department can probably help, so whether or not he is in your life, get out there and enjoy yourself.
You don't have to be on your own all of the time.
