IF YOUR 18-year-old self received a letter from your 40-year-old self, dripping with wisdom and self-deprecation, the chances are the 18-year-old you would be horrified. Friday nights in front of the TV watching First Dates and Graham Norton? Yawn.
Victoria Beckham is the latest A-lister to be asked to put pen to paper and you won't be surprised to learn that the fashion designer has done it through the pages of Vogue.
It's a sweet letter and in it she tells the teenager who doesn’t feel she belongs at her performing arts college that she may be correct in assuming the principal has put her at the back of the stage because she’s “too plump to go at the front”.
Who’s having the last laugh now, eh?
"I know you are struggling right now. You are not the prettiest, or the thinnest, or the best at dancing,” she writes.
“… You have never properly fitted in… you have bad acne. You think the principal has put you at the back of the end-of-year show (in a humiliatingly bright purple Lycra leotard) because you are too plump to go at the front. (This may or may not be true.)”
And then she talks fashion and takes Sleb Safari right back to the Spice Girls era.
“You are going to have so much fun with your clothes – PVC catsuits; chokers that say absurd things; weird spiky blonde hair. It will never occur to you that you appear ridiculous.
“You will turn up at awards ceremonies resembling a drag queen. But I look back at you and smile. It will add interest to your life.
“I love the fact that you will feel free to express yourself. Fashion will take on added stature one day, but try not to be stifled by it.”
She continues, as only a proper grown up who stays in most Friday nights to watch First Dates and Graham Norton could: “You will learn, as you mature, to swap heels for Stan Smith trainers, minidresses for crisp white shirts.”
Victoria turns her attention to matters of the heart and reassures little Victoria that she’s going to marry a footballer and should really brush up on the offside rule in preparation.
“And yes, love at first sight does exist. It will happen to you in the Manchester United players’ lounge – although you will get a little drunk, so exact details are hazy… He’s going to ask for your number. (He still has the London-to-Manchester plane ticket on which you wrote it.)”
Well played Victoria, well played. You know exactly what an 18-year-old girl would like to hear and you’re reminding the person who put you in the purple leotard at the back of the stage who’s boss. Sleb Safari doffs its hat to you.
Taylor and Tom have broken up
TAYLOR Swift and Tom Hiddleston have broken up and you’re likely as shocked as Sleb Safari.
If these two crazy kids can’t make it what hope for Justin Bieber and Sofia Richie???
It started so well for Tom and Taylor aka Tiddles. There was an Independence Day party with her friends where he wore an I heart TS tank top (and the world cringed for him), and private jets from the US to Rome to Australia and back again.
Summer lovin, they had them a blast. Summer lovin, happened so fast. Summer lovin, ripped at the seams… Ahhhh.
Win a copy of Jay Rayner's new book
SLEB Safari has one signed copy of Jay Rayner’s The Ten (Food) Commandments to give away.
Jay is a restaurant critic with The Guardian, MasterChef Judge and the host of BBC Radio 4’s The Kitchen Cabinet and he’s bringing his show, The Ten (Food) Commandments to the MAC in Belfast on Thursday September 15.
Described as “an evening of culinary guidance” the respected critic will share the most important foodie rules to live by including why thou shalt always eat with thy hands, worship thy leftovers and celebrate the stinkiest of foods.
To be in with the chance of winning a signed copy of the book answer the following question correctly:
On what BBC TV show would you find Jay Rayner judging amateur chefs?
Email your answer to competitions@irishnews.com and mark it Sleb Safari Competition. Please include your name, address and phone number. The deadline is noon on Wednesday September 14. Normal Irish News rules apply.
To book seats for the show visit themaclive.com or call 028 9023 5053.
Social Media Snoop
