BELEAGUERED people of the Middle-East! You can forget about the war in Syria, the refugee crisis and Trump's travel ban because behold, a new saviour has arrived. And that saviour is Lindsay Lohan – star of Mean Girls, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and eight-part reality TV show Lindsay.
Yes the 30-year-old 'troubled' Hollywood star has reached out to the global Muslim community by wearing a burkini on a beach in Thailand. For the uninitiated, a burkini is essentially a pair of leggings, a long tunic and a full head covering worn as a type of modest swimwear.
Sleb Safari wishes it could reprint photos of Lohan wearing her burkini while a) sitting on a rock and looking thoughtfully into the middle distance b) waving an oar on a beach and c) pretending to paddle-board in 10 centimetres of water but sadly they're out of the remit of our photographic budget.
Questions could be raised about why she chose to wear a burkini one day and a swimsuit with cut-out panels the next but as Lohan explained recently her commitment to Islam is still a work in progress.
"Studying the Koran is something I found solace in, a religion where I found a lot of peace," she said. "I have reached inside and I found what I want my intentions to be in the world... focusing on taking control of what I want out of life.
"You can't just convert to a religion overnight – it's a culture and practice. I don't want to comment on something I haven't finished," she told a baffled Piers Morgan and Susanna Reid on ITV's Good Morning Britain earlier this year.
But that's not all. In case you were foolishly assuming that racial profiling at airports only happened to actual Muslims, Lohan has claimed that she too has suffered. In February she alleged she was "racially profiled" at London's Heathrow Airport while going through a security checkpoint wearing a headscarf.
"But what scared me was, in that moment, how would another woman who doesn’t feel comfortable taking off her headscarf feel? That was really interesting to me. I mean, I was kind of in shock," she said.
A cynic would suggest that Lohan is using serious issues to boost her own profile. But Sleb Safari is no such cynic and remembers fondly Lohan's 2010 BBC Three documentary where she met victims of human trafficking in India and tweeted: "Over 40 children saved so far... Within one day's work" despite not actually taking part in any anti-trafficking raid. Surely with such a glowing track record it's not too much of a stretch to suggest Lindsay Lohan – America's new Middle East peace envoy?
McKellan v Harris: A wizarding row
WANDS at dawn now and Sir Ian McKellan has revealed, in a very roundabout way, that he was in line to play Professor Dumbledore in the Harry Potter films after the death of Limerick actor Richard Harris. Harris died at the age of 72 after playing the role in the first two films. But Sir Ian claimed he couldn't take over the part because Harris "disapproved of me".
In the world's most thespian insult, the Irish actor had once described actors McKellen, Derek Jacobi and Belfast-born Kenneth Branagh as "technically brilliant but passionless".
McKellan hit back. "When he died, he played Dumbledore the wizard. I played a real wizard," he claimed. Sleb Safari confesses to feeling confused. Does this mean that Gandalf is not a fictional character but an actual wizard, holder of the elven ring Narya who rides on the great horse Shadowfax?
In that case, were The Lord of the Rings films actually a documentary based on a popular series of non-fiction books? Sleb Safari has read the books, seen the films and been to The Hobbit set in New Zealand where she heard a guide ramble on about props and shooting schedules. Now she's wondering if it was all a ruse to get her to part with NZ$79 and buy a commemorative Green Dragon mug. Truly, the scales have fallen from her eyes.
Peter Stringfellow's diary secrets
TO MORE mundane matters, and table-dancing impresario Peter Stringfellow has written a gripping column for Closer magazine in which he outlines his typical day.
You’d be forgiven for thinking that would involve knocking back Champagne and chatting up scantily-clad ladies, but no, Peter tells us that since he’s relocated to a small town in Buckinghamshire with his young family he enjoys taking "the rubbish to the dump in the Mercedes". Do go on Peter.
"I still go to the club three or four nights a week. I check every light is working and the girls look the part." Going to the dump? Checking lightbulbs? Sleb Safari is alarmed that Peter isn't living up to his reputation and fears that, like Samson, the loss of his famous mullet may have left him feeling a little off-colour.
Social media watch
01 811 8181 @RealSarahGreene pic.twitter.com/NgJpTrF2JZ
— Phillip Schofield (@Schofe) April 4, 2017
