FOR the past five years, I have lived with the knowledge that I am gay. It's not that I've been in a relationship with anyone, so I suppose you'd say I haven't "come out" and I certainly haven't told anyone.
I'm terrified of anyone finding out because I'm convinced I would alienate my family as, in the culture they come from, it's regarded as a sin. My father is particularly anti-homosexuality and I'm sure he would have a fit if he knew.
It leaves me feeling like I'm walking a tightrope with a bottomless pit on either side waiting to swallow me up. I'm suffering from depression as a result of this, and people at work have started commenting that I look ill and are asking me what's wrong.
I know I need to talk to someone about this but don't know who and, even if I do, how I cope with my family.
MD
FIONA SAYS: There are so many people who will love and accept you for who you are. Living with this secret for the past few years must have been hell for you, but it is good that you've decided to talk with someone.
It suggests to me that you've taken a big step already and that all you need to do now is unburden your feelings. That said, I understand this is a big step for you and that what you have to do isn't easy.
You don't tell me whether or not you live at home with your parents, or whether you already have a place of your own. I say this first because I think it's important that you tell another adult you trust before you tell your family.
You need to know you have somewhere safe to turn if the worst happens and they reject you, which is particularly important if you are still living with them.
The most important thing is that you are safe so choose the time that you tell them carefully.
By this, I mean not only the time of day – so you can get to somewhere safe – but also might it be best to wait, if you can, until you've moved out?
Once you've chosen your moment, tell them the truth – don't fudge the issue suggesting you have doubts or letting them think you might be bisexual (unless, you are). It's better that they know the truth about you and begin to assimilate the fact.
If they have been conditioned by their own upbringing to think of homosexuality as sinful then you will have to give them time. Don't expect them to come to terms with this quickly – it may take them a while, and however they react initially may not be the way they feel after they've adjusted to the idea.
Also, don't forget there are millions of people all over the world who have faced this situation – you really are not alone and you will feel better for living your truth than living a lie.
Support and advice is also available through organisations such as the LGBT Foundation (lgbt.foundation). There's lots of info on their website, and they have a helpline you could call.
If you are right about your parents, then they may try and make you feel bad about yourself, but please don't. There is nothing wrong in loving who you love, and no-one chooses their sexuality.
As we don't choose our sexuality, nor do we choose our family and sometimes, to be true to who we are, we have to learn the hard lesson that not all families are good and loving.
Who we can choose, though, are our friends, and you clearly have people you work with who care about you, as they are noticing that there is something wrong. Perhaps there is someone there you trust that you could start this process with – tell them you're worried about coming out to your parents and could do with someone to talk to.
Hopefully, you'll have friends you can talk to that you can be open with but, if not, there is a whole community of people of all types of sexuality that will be open to you.
Whether or not your family accepts your sexuality is really their problem, not yours.
You are the same person you have always been and, if they can't accept that, it will be their loss at the end of the day.
MY SIBLINGS DON'T VISIT OUR ELDERLY MOTHER
MY MOTHER was a wonderful parent to my brothers, sisters and I and she loved us all equally. She's always been there to help us but, at 87, she's now the one needing help from us and I'm disgusted with the way the family is ignoring her.
She can't get out much and, while I visit her at her care home every weekend, some of them haven't been near her for years.
She's very depressed and has said she's ready to die. I do try and cheer her up, but I know it's the rest of the family she needs to see. I wrote to them all and told them they ought to visit her but none of them have responded, which make me so angry.
How do I get them to face up to the fact that she won't be around much longer?
ST
FIONA SAYS: Their perspective may be different to yours. While you are clearly very close to your mother and your experiences as a child suggest a loving family environment, it's possible your siblings have different memories.
It could be these memories that make them reluctant to keep on touch.
Some families do drift apart and, as yours has been out of touch for some time, I think it is going to be difficult to get them involved again.
If you want to keep trying, though, I suggest you call rather than write but, do try to avoid trying to make them feel guilty. Don't get angry as this will just drive them further away – it might make them more forthcoming if you ask for their help, as people like to feel needed.
Your mother's depression is a separate issue, though, and one that might need the intervention of a doctor. Perhaps a quiet word with the staff at the care home might be a good idea?
SO HURT BY MY HUSBAND'S COMMENTS ON MY 'DRAB' APPEARANCE
MY HUSBAND and I were getting ready to go out last week and I asked him how I looked. When he said he thought I looked a bit drab, I changed into something else – but then he said it wasn't my clothes it was me, and that I'd let myself go of late.
I was really hurt and, after a furious row, he went to the party on his own.
Since then we've hardly spoken to each other and you could cut the atmosphere at home with a knife.
Our oldest daughter, who's nine, has asked me what's wrong and I have no idea what to tell her. The thing is, I know he's right – I've put on a lot of weight and stopped caring about the way I look as most of the time, I'm stuck at home with the kids. Not that this is an excuse for him to hurt me though.
AB
FIONA SAYS: Is there more going on here?
Until you can find a way to break the deadlock and start talking again, the uncomfortable atmosphere will continue. Your husband spoke at a bad time and his words were hurtful – but is there ever a good way to say to someone that they've let themselves go and that you're concerned?
He probably knows he's made a mess of things and doesn't know what to say next – start the process and he may well apologise.
I'm not into body-shaming and your weight shouldn't matter as long as you're healthy, but it sounds as if you've stopped caring about yourself at all. Could it be that you're a bit depressed – maybe bored with your life? You say you're "stuck" at home and that's very telling.
I'd suggest it's certainly something to be discussed with your husband, as you might need to find something to do that challenges you and breaks you out of this rut.
GETTING FED UP WITH MY NEGATIVE FRIEND
my friend and I were, at one time, inseparable – but she's not the person she was. Even my husband, who gets on with everyone, struggles to cope with her. She's constantly moaning and nothing is ever right.
She goes on at me about what she thinks is wrong with my life but actually, I'm really happy and love my husband. She was bridesmaid at our wedding last year and she seems to have changed since then. She's paranoid about her boyfriend, who she thinks is seeing someone else - I don't think he is but I do think he's getting fed up with her.
We've been friends since we were teenagers and I really don't want to hurt her feelings, but I am not sure I can cope with much more of this.
CF
FIONA SAYS: Is she jealous of your happiness?
It sounds as if your wedding might have been a trigger for your friend to start thinking about what's wrong with her life. She seems to have got herself stuck in a dangerously destructive rut, and it sounds like she's jealous of your happiness. Seeing you happily settled with a loving partner emphasises the fact that she isn't.
How you deal with this depends on whether you still value her friendship. You could simply try to distance yourself until she sorts herself out however, I suspect you'd find that hard to do.
The very fact that you've written to me suggests that you still care about her, so perhaps it's time to sit her down and tell her of your concerns. Perhaps you could suggest that she sees a life-coach to help her sort out what she wants to do or, if that doesn't seem something she'd go for perhaps suggest she sees her GP?
A lasting friend IS hard to come by and perhaps deserves some help in getting through this rough patch.
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