MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. He is, however, driven and self-reliant. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children.
The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. It's as though he can't stop himself from being dictatorial, negative or critical, and all this has done is drive them away.
My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. Our 17-year-old son is still at home but can't wait to leave to get away from the constant friction and ill-feeling around the house.
I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. Will he ever change?
RN
FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns – so long as he's willing. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily.
People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess.
If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel.
Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most – his wife and children.
And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further.
Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. Then stress that it's not too late to re-engage with his with family, the solution lies with him. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour.
You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. It will also probably be more effective if you can get your children to stand alongside you, at least during the initial intervention – and I realise that will be hard.
Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him.
His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk).
I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH
FOR the past four months, my friend has been chasing a guy at college. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started.
She grabs every opportunity to be near him but won't actually tell him how she feels. Last week she followed him home after classes again, even though his bus goes in the opposite direction to where she lives. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right.
Now she's asked me to talk to him for her and, the truth is, I'm fed up with her moping and simply don't want to. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings?
PE
FIONA SAYS: Gently and with tact, though she's still likely to be upset. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter.
I think she may even already suspect this – otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf?
Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment.
Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy.
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