I'M 30 and since last year, I've been going out with a man several years younger than me. He didn't seem at all concerned about the age-gap, nor about the fact that I'm a single parent of a three-year-old daughter.
We soon became lovers and for the next three months he spent every weekend with me, and the rest of the week he lived at home with his parents. I was so happy – so much so, I fell completely in love with him.
You can imagine how devastated I felt when, two months ago, he told me it was all over. It seems that his parents had found out how old I was and didn't approve of our being together. I was very hurt and told him I couldn't understand why he was letting his family control who he saw and what he did – and I told him so.
He must have thought about that because, a week later, he was back and asked me to give him another chance. I agreed and he actually moved in with me – for a month it was wonderful, but it wasn't to last as his parents must have got to him again, and he left for a second time and moved back to live with them.
I couldn't believe he would do this to me again and vowed to move on with my life, even though I felt dreadful. Then last night, he called and – of course, you've guessed it – he wants to come back. He promises he'll never leave me again and that this time he really means it. I want to believe him as I miss him desperately and I know my daughter is fond of him too, but I also don't want to be hurt a third time and I don't know what to do. The age-gap between us is eight years – is this too much for a successful relationship? Am I just too old for him?
SC
FIONA SAYS: No, you're not too old for him, and an eight-year age gap is nothing. It always seems to be regarded as a problem when the woman is older than the man, but if he were eight years older than you, I don't think it's a question you'd even be asking.
I do think, though, that this man may be too young for you. Not in years – as I've said, eight years is nothing – but in attitude.
His track-record doesn't inspire confidence, and unless he shows he's mature enough to make up his own mind and maintain a stable relationship, I'd be concerned about the long-term prospects.
As you love him, though, it will be hard for you to simply step away. You have a daughter to consider, as well as yourself, so I think you need to be cautious about letting him back into your life. How would she react if she established a relationship with him only for him to disappear again - wouldn't she be hurt and confused too?
He has hurt you twice and, although you say he wasn't fazed by the prospect of a serious relationship with an older, lone parent, his actions suggest otherwise.
I'm afraid I'm not entirely surprised because young men in their early-20s are generally not noted for their willingness to accept the responsibilities of family life.
Obviously, I'm generalising and there are a great many young fathers in stable relationships that can prove me wrong. However, this young man is still living with his parents and is clearly still heavily influenced by their thinking.
Ultimately, you are the only person who can decide whether to give him yet another chance or not. My fear is that he's trying to move from one form of security (his parents) to another (you), without ever standing on his own two feet.
Perhaps he should prove he can do this before he tries again with you. Showing that he can think and act independently would give you more confidence in his ability to believe what he says.
HOW CAN I MEET SOMEONE NEW?
It's two years since my husband walked out, leaving me to look after our children, and in that time, we've had little contact with him and next to no support.
I'm proud of the way we've all adjusted to our changed circumstances; I've had to find a job and the children have had to cope with seeing less of me and next to nothing of him. I take a great deal of comfort and pride from the happy, healthy young people they've become, and I feel stronger than I've ever been.
One thing is lacking, though, and that's finding someone else. I have developed a whole new social life in order to meet someone and I have indeed met lots of new people including several single men. However, all they seem to be interested in is casual sex and that's just not for me.
I'm not a prude, I just want more than that – but where do I find my Mr Right?
EYL
FIONA SAYS: You seem to have achieved an enormous amount in a very short time and you should indeed be proud of yourself and your children. Many people coming out of a failed relationship would love to have your confidence and ability to build a new social life.
However, if you continue to make the search for Mr Right the only reason why you go out and meet new people, you will waste the opportunities for genuine friendship that come your way. I'm not suggesting you give up looking, but don't make it the sole purpose of building a new social life for yourself.
Continue to use any apps and dating sites that give you the chance to meet people, but concentrate, too, on the new interests you've developed and the new friends you've made.
The chances are, you'll find a Mr Right when you least expect it. It might even be someone you've already met that turns out to unexpectedly be 'the one'.
I'M IN LOVE WITH A MAN AT WORK
I've just started my first job since I left school and I've fallen for a guy in my office. I think I'm in love with him and I really feel he's the one for me. I know he's older than me (I think he's 27) but he's not married as he doesn't wear a ring.
I haven't told him how I feel, as I was waiting for the right moment, but one of the other girls has spoiled it all by telling him. He told her that he's not interested and that hurts. How can he know that until he's spent some time with me? How do I make him realise he's making a big mistake?
BR
FIONA SAYS: How can you be so sure you're in love with him until you've spent some time with him? All you seem to know about him is his age. And you can't assume he's not married just because he doesn't wear a ring, as many people don't. You certainly can't assume he's not in a relationship with someone.
You don't know if he's gay or straight, or just not interested in any relationship right now. He might also think you're too young for him – and you might just not be his type.
If you talk to him as anything other than a work colleague, I think you'll risk hurt and possible embarrassment. Try to stop thinking about him and spend some time getting to know people, before making your feelings about them known to other people.
CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THE MAN I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH
I'm married but last year I had a passionate affair. My husband and I had been stuck in a rut for some time and it felt like we were drifting apart.
When he found out, though, I realised I'd been really foolish, and it became clear we still had strong feelings for each other. It was an awful time, but he forgave me and now we're closer than ever.
The thing is, though, I can't forget this other man and every time I think I've taken a step towards moving on, something reminds me of him.
Am I ever going to get over him, and am I being fair to my husband when it looks like, despite my trying, my marriage must be over?
AP
FIONA SAYS: I'm really not sure why you think your marriage is over just because it's taking you time to shake off the affair you had.
You were going through a relationship which you say was 'passionate' – that probably means it was exciting, dramatic, different to everyday life. Forgetting something like that isn't going to just happen overnight. It takes time and you may never forget the time you spent together.
That doesn't mean though that your love for your husband is any less, and it certainly doesn't mean you're being unfair to your husband. Only if you acted on these memories and tried to rekindle them would it be unfair.
I'm sure there have been other exciting events in your life that you remember vividly. Try and see the affair as just another one of these.
It would be a shame to walk away from the progress you've made in reviving your marriage, so please don't give up. If you need help, contact Relate (relate.org.uk) and have a chat with them; I'm sure it will help.
:: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
