MY MOTHER is 75 and has terminal cancer. She knows she is dying but you'd never think so to look at her because she is so happy and otherwise full of life. We both know she hasn't got long to go and she's even trying to take the worry away from me by saying she has put all of her affairs in order, including her funeral arrangements.
In a funny sort of way, she's dealing with this better than I am. I know that she is going to die, but all I can worry about is how on Earth I am going to tell everyone. She has hundreds of friends – most of whom I don't know – and I have no idea what to say to them when the time comes.
My mother said 'just send them an email'. Yes, she's that organised, she's got most of them as email contacts on her computer. The thing is, I'm not sure about this as I don't know how people will react to an email popping up on their screens saying she's died. I know I would be shocked.
BA
FIONA SAYS: Your mother sounds amazing and I'm quite sure you're going to miss her hugely, which is probably why you feel sensitive to the idea of just sending an email to people. She is clearly someone who is positive about life and so she's dealing with death in an equally positive way.
It's never easy telling people that someone's died – and when it's someone you're close to, it's particularly hard. So, whether you do it by phone, by letter, by email or in person, it's always going to be difficult for you. When the time comes, the only thing that really matters is that you express yourself compassionately – because talking about death makes people very conscious of their own mortality.
It's usual to start by saying something along the lines of: 'I'm sorry to have to tell you that...', and include a little information about her illness. It's also a good idea to include details about the funeral arrangements and whether your mother has a preference for flowers or a charity donation.
As your mother is so open and prepared for this, it might be an idea to talk to her now about telling her friends.
Another option would be for her to compose her 'final' email now for you to send when she's gone. That way, you don't have to think about the words you use – she knows her friends, so she will have a better idea of what she should say and how they will react. Obviously, you will have to add your own note to the email to explain the funeral arrangements.
Having said all this, I think that rather than worrying what to say to other people, right now you should be thinking about what to say to your mother.
You say she is handling it better than you and she sounds like a very courageous lady. She sounds as if she's determined to enjoy to the full what time she has left, and you should be enjoying that time with her.
MY HUSBAND WANTS OTHER MEN TO OGLE AND TOUCH ME
My husband and I have been married for 10 years and he'll do anything for me. However, over the last few months he's been acting very strangely, wanting me to dress in really flirty clothes and then taking me to seedy pubs for other men to ogle me.
I've found it really uncomfortable when some of these men make sexual advances, but my husband gets very excited, especially if they touch me. I'm convinced he is encouraging these men to use me, but why does he need other men to sexually abuse me like this?
WP
FIONA SAYS: This doesn't sound like acceptable and equal behaviour. Some men are aroused by seeing their partners with other men. I don't pretend to understand what they get from this sort of behaviour, but I do know that you need to be very careful here. What your husband is suggesting can be dangerous and leave you exposed to all manner of risks.
I sense that, so far, things haven't gone much beyond fondling, but this alone is enough to make you worried enough to write to me. His behaviour is putting your marriage at great risk and you need to make it clear to him that you're not prepared go along with this behaviour anymore. Although it doesn't seem to have gone very far yet, his attempts to pimp you to other men is demeaning to you and needs to stop, now.
He may need psychiatric help in order to overcome this. You might benefit from talking to a Relate (relate.org.uk) counsellor, as however much you say he is willing to do anything for you, treating you like this is not safe and not normal.
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