WHEN I found out after 24 years of marriage that my husband had been having an affair, I really thought our relationship was over. However, my husband managed to convince me the affair was over, and that he'd never do anything like it again.
Neither of us wanted our marriage to end, so after counselling and some heart-searching, I forgave him. As we really talked about our relationship for the first time in a while, I felt things were better than ever and he told me he felt the same way.
However, I have now learned that the woman he had an affair with is expecting his baby any day now, and I feel betrayed all over again. He says he never knew she was pregnant – but how can he say with one breath that he loves me, and in the next, lie to me like this?
I am so confused. I do love him, but I feel so hurt by this that I feel like leaving him.
FIONA SAYS
Before you decide anything, you need to establish when this pregnancy occurred. If the baby is due any day now, then it's possible she became pregnant before your husband finished his relationship with her. She may not have even told him she was pregnant, and he might just have found out. If that's the case, then this is just a further complication that you are going to have to resolve.
Regardless of your feelings, his feelings, or the feelings of the mother-to-be, there is a child to be considered too now – and if it is his baby, he will have to take some responsibility for it. Even if he has been honest with you and has not seen this woman since the affair ended, how will you feel about that?
If, on the other hand, he continued to see her, and her pregnancy occurred after he'd promised you the relationship was over, then it is difficult to see what you can do to save this marriage. You have already forgiven him once, only to have that trust thrown back in your face.
So, trusting your husband again is going to be really difficult for you – if not impossible.
I am also assuming here that the paternity of the child isn't in question; if she has become pregnant by someone else but is saying the father is your husband, that's another problem entirely.
I think, before you make any decisions, the facts need to be clarified and dates are going to be important here. Once you know whether or not he carried on his affair after he promised you it was over is the first step. You haven't given me any dates but from what you've said, he may not have lied to you at all.
He will, assuming he is the father, have an ongoing responsibility for this child, which will almost certainly mean he will have some contact with the mother. That's something you are going to have to contend with on a regular basis, so could you live with that? It's something you need to be absolutely clear about if you intend to try and save your marriage.
I know you say you've been through counselling before, but I think you really need to consider getting yourself further help and support. It will help you to focus on what to do next if you talk through your feelings with a Relate (relate.org.uk) counsellor.
I hope you can find a way through this mess that takes into account that an innocent child is involved – one who you might want to consider if you can have a relationship with.
My boyfriend puts me down in front of family
MY BOYFRIEND has been married before, but I haven't. We love each other very much and get on well together, except when we are with my family, where he takes every opportunity to run me down. He points out my mistakes, calls me 'lazy bat' and makes out that I'm incapable of handling anything complicated.
I don't know why he does this – he's not like this when we visit friends. He says he's only joking but I am really hurt by it, so why does he do this?
Fiona Says
I suspect this has more to do with his shortcomings than yours. Perhaps something about your family makes him feel insecure, so he feels the need to belittle you to make himself feel bigger. Perhaps he feels he needs to reassure your parents that he 'right' for you – though he's got a peculiar way of showing it.
Either way, he needs to understand that if he really loves you, this needs to stop. Try to get him to explain what it is that is that makes him behave in this way; if his problem is with your family then perhaps you could talk to them about making him feel more welcome.
If it's something else, then ask him to try and get help to resolve it, because using you as the but of his insecurities isn't fair, and isn't the behaviour of a loving partner.
Could partner be having an affair?
Over the past couple of months, my partner has been acting out of character. He's been getting phone calls that he won't explain and has been working late more and more often. I'm worried he's having an affair and it's tearing me apart. I love him so much but I'm afraid that, if I confront him, he'll leave, and I can't imagine life without him.
Fiona Says
Your partner may be acting suspiciously but he's not exactly being discreet, so perhaps the unexplained phone calls and late-night working are entirely innocent.
Could he be planning a surprise for you? Could he be dealing with a highly confidential issue in his workplace?
Could he be trying to protect you from something? Or could you be right, and he is indeed having an affair?
The thing is, you don't know, so rather than accuse him, could you try telling him that you love him but that you're feeling anxious and insecure? Hopefully that would open a dialogue between you and if he does confirm your worst fears, at least you will know.
That has to be better than trying to cope with all this dreadful uncertainty and fear. It will also mean that you can then set about trying to repair your relationship, if that is what you want to do.
