A compromise needs to be reached between sport and housework
WHEN my father died just over three years ago both my mother and I went through a rough time, as we missed him badly. It took me a while but, with the help of my family, I got through it. My mother had always seemed to be the strong one in their marriage and although I knew she'd need time to adjust after dad died, I was unprepared for just how clinging she would become.
She wants me to call her every morning, "just to make sure she's still alive", and she's always popping in, wanting to chat. I work from home, so this is really difficult for me, but she doesn't seem to get that. She expects to be included in everything we do, and we can't even go for a day out without her expecting to join us. She's been on our last two family holidays and is proposing to come with us again, this summer, even though we've not decided where we're going yet.
If I ever dare do something without her, I get a lecture on what she did for me as a child and why I shouldn't now neglect her. I am really beginning to resent this emotional blackmail and my family are suffering too. The children are resentful that we can't do the sort of things they want to do because Nanna can't do them, and my husband slips out the back door whenever she pops in. I love my mother and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but this must stop.
FIONA SAYS
This isn't healthy for you and it isn't healthy for your mother, so I agree that things cannot continue as they are. Finding a way to make her back off a little though – without hurting her feelings – is likely to prove tricky. Since the death of your father, she has looked to you and your family to fill the void in her life. Her emotional blackmail of you is one of her many ploys to make sure that you continue to do so. No wonder you're feeling resentful!
You don't mention any wider family, so I'm guessing you're an only child – but surely your mother has friends, possibly other relations, who might be able to help? It could be that all the friends she had when your father was alive are part of a couple, hence she may be uncomfortable with them now she's on her own. However, I'm sure they're not all in that situation.
As your mother pops in, I'm also guessing she's fairly local - so do you know any of her friends you could talk to and ask them to invite her to join them in things? Just going out for tea with people she knows would start to make her more independent again. If you allow this situation to continue, your resentment of her will only grow and fester, so you need to talk to your mother before that happens. The next time she starts a lecture, don't get angry and don't tell her she is wrong – simply tell her how you feel. Explain that you love her and want to share some time with her, but that you also want some time alone with your husband and children. Make it clear what you are prepared to accept and, if this hurts her, tell her you're sorry she feels that way but don't back down.
She will probably need encouragement to seek support and friendship with a wider circle of people. Perhaps getting to know new people through an organisation like Cruse Bereavement Care (cruse.org.uk) would help her.
If she doesn't work – and it sounds as if she doesn't have much to occupy her time – then perhaps encourage her to take up volunteering of some kind. She needs to get out more and fill her life again, so continue to reassure her that you love her, and I think you will find that she will, gradually, give you more space.
MY MUM THINKS I'M TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED
MY fiance and I love one another and are planning to get married later this year. My mother, however, thinks I am too young to get married and refuses to get involved with planning the day.
I always thought things like buying the dress, sorting out the bridesmaids and the cake and so forth would be something we'd share but she doesn't want to know.
The silly thing is, I am 26, not 16!
I have told her that I love him and that he loves me, but she still won't accept it and we've had some terrible rows – not the way I want to start to my married life. Why can't she just accept him?
Fiona Says
I find it hard to believe she should be set so firmly against this man simply because she thinks you are too young. Is it possible she has other concerns about this man and is simply using your age as an excuse? Could she know something about him that you don't?
She needs to give you a better explanation to her opposition than your age, so try and get her to talk to you. If there's something that's really bothering her then she needs to tell you. This is your choice and the final decision on whether to marry your fiance rests with you so, if you think her reasons are groundless you will have to go ahead with your plans without her. Sad though that is, don't let it spoil your day – enlist the help of friends and wider family. Once she sees you're determined to go ahead, perhaps she'll change her mind and at least have the good grace to accept your decision.
MY HUSBAND GIVES ALL HIS TIME TO SPORTS
EVERY winter is the same for me and I hate it. I become a sort of 'sport widow' as my husband is off to football, rugby, snooker, or anything else he can find. Every weekend he disappears off with his cronies and I am left to look after the house and the children. We both work long hours during the week and weekends are the only time that all those tedious household chores can be done, so I get to do them all. I knew he was into sport when I married him, but I didn't realise it would be this bad. I thought I could adapt but I can't and, as I knew, it seems wrong of me to make a fuss - but what do you think I should do about it?
Fiona Says
You may have known your husband was sport mad and that his weekends were busy, but that doesn't mean you should have to have the entire burden of housework on you. I don't think it's wrong of you at all to make this clear and it's perfectly reasonable for you to explain you feel the current arrangement is unacceptable, and that you think he should do more.
If his weekends are so precious, he should consider doing his share on weekday evenings. It does bother me, though, that you seem to be spending so little time together. I know this works for some couples, but generally, it does not create a healthy environment in which a relationship can grow.
Could you perhaps consider doing the chores together during the week, leaving the weekends free for you both to enjoy? It's hardly exciting but at least you'd be together. Could you perhaps go with him to some of these sporting events? You never know – you might start to enjoy it and, if not, then find some things you like to do at weekends rather than be on your own doing chores and feeling resentful. It should be possible to reach a compromise that gives you some together as well as free time to do what you enjoy.
MY TEENAGE STEPSON MADE A DRUNKEN PASS AT ME
FOLLOWING the death of my first husband, I was on my own for five years – then I met the man who has now become my second husband and I've never been happier.
I love him so much and even get on very well with his three children, the youngest of whom is his 17-year-old son who lives with us. Our relationship was very easy, and we were able to chat together about anything and everything. He was the son I'd never had.
However, last month, my husband was away on business and my stepson, returning from a party, made a clumsy pass at me. He'd clearly had a bit too much to drink but I lost my temper and left the room.
The following morning, he was clearly very embarrassed and although I wanted to say something, we just brooded in silence. It's been that way ever since and my husband is noticing, but what can I do to rescue this?
Fiona Says
I'm sure your stepson knows he's made a silly mistake but he's very young, probably very embarrassed, and is clearly finding it difficult to apologise.
You are the adult here so make the first move – have a quiet word with him and say you realise he had too much to drink but that you miss the relationship you had before. Make it clear that you really love his father and so, if nothing like this ever happens again, you'd like to forget all about it and move on. If you make it easy for him, I'm sure he'll jump at the chance to apologise.
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