AFTER being married for 26 years, I feel my relationship with my husband has got stick in a rut – and I don't see any way out of it. We have all but stopped making love and that's something I miss badly, although my husband doesn't really seem to mind that much. It feels we're more like old friends living together, than a genuine married couple.
Please don't misunderstand me – I still love him very much and we genuinely seem to like one another's company. But somewhere along the way, the passion has gone.
The thing that makes things worse – and I'm ashamed to admit it – is that I have recently met someone else who I have grown close to. Our relationship isn't physical yet, but it feels like it's just a matter of time.
Managing to grab moments together is exciting and has reawakened a passion in me that I'd forgotten existed. He tells me he loves me and wants me to be with him, but I know this would devastate my husband. I feel so confused and uncertain.
MS
FIONA SAYS: If your marriage has become a bit of dull routine recently, it is not surprising that everything about this new man seems exciting. The secret moments together, the little lies you tell you cover up, even the risk of being seen together all add a touch of spice.
That initial excitement in a relationship doesn't last though – certainly not without a lot of hard work – and I think that's what is missing from your relationship with your husband. If you left him to be with this new man, what guarantee do you have that this will last? You may find that, once the initial excitement has worn off (as it surely will), you are just as unhappy as you are now.
No marriage is perfect, but I think it would be a great shame to walk out on 26 years of marriage, especially one where you still care for your partner. Surely it is worth trying to see if the love you had can be re-kindled? It is possible to put passion and excitement back into a marriage but both partners must want it and be willing to work at it.
At this current time, when you and your husband will be at home with each other possibly with more time on your hands, please take the time to talk to one another. You may find that he feels very much as you do, but doesn't know what to do either.
Explain that you feel your marriage has become jaded and that the absence of sex is a problem for you. This time together could be a real opportunity for you to change things between you – to become closer and build your relationship back up again.
You won't be able to get out to see this new man, so those stolen moments are going to be much fewer and further between than they have been. That means you have more time to focus on your marriage and I really hope your husband is prepared to work with you at trying to save it.
If he is and if you need more help, then Relate (relate.org.uk) have increased the availability of their highly trained counsellors to support everyone's relationships during this unprecedented time. Instead of face-to-face counselling there are options available for telephone counselling, webcam counselling and Live Chat services. It's good to know that there is expert help and support available when a lot of relationships are going to be under increased pressure.
MY LIFE IS A MESS AND I CAN'T SEE A WAY OUT
MY life is a complete mess. I left home last year after rowing with my mother and since then I've struggled to find any proper work. I am living, if that's the word to describe, in a friend's spare room and spend my time staring at these four grubby walls.
My best, and only other friend, died last month in a motorbike accident and since then I've been unable to think about anything else. When my family find out about the mess I've made of things, I know they are going to be so ashamed.
I can't face that and have been thinking about ending it all, but I'm too scared to even do that.
SC
FIONA SAYS: You've had a really tough time lately and losing your friend in an accident must have felt like the last straw. Leaving home after a row with your mother might not have been sensible but it was brave – especially as you hadn't got a job to support yourself with.
So, take that bravery and hang in there – you're clearly a very strong person and, although it feels really hard right now, things do get better. Please remember you are not alone and there are always people you can turn to, even if it's just for a chat on the phone. If things feel like they're overwhelming you, please contact the Samaritans (Samaritans.org) on 116 123. You can call their helpline any time of day, for free. Sometimes, just sharing a burden with a good listener is all we need to give us the strength to go on and Samaritans counsellors won't ever judge you.
Your call will be treated in confidence and hopefully they'll help you to find a way to get yourself back on track. Alternatively, you can always contact your GP for mental health support too.
Everyone is in a tough place right now and no one will be judging you for living in a friend's spare room and not having a job. The pandemic is going to leave a lot of people jobless and in economic difficulties, and you're lucky to have a friend who has given you a place to live, even if it's not an ideal situation.
If you haven't already done so – please contact your family (if you feel it's safe to do so). I'm sure they're worried and anxious and would welcome hearing from you.
MY HUSBAND'S HOARDING IS DRIVING ME MAD
MY husband never wants to throw anything out and his clutter is driving me crazy. His attitude is that everything will be useful again one day, and whilst I can understand that to a degree, it should extend to five-year-old magazines.
I made the mistake of moving into his house when we got married and there's far too much furniture which he doesn't want to get rid of either. As he works from home, it seems the whole house is his office and there are business documents everywhere! If I do manage to get rid of anything, it's usually only after a stand-up row.
I've had six years of this now and unless something changes, I can't see me coping with it for another six months. Just for once it would be nice to have a tidy house!
OO
FIONA SAYS: While I'm quite sure this must be deeply frustrating for you, you did rather know what you were getting into when you moved in with him. He's not going to change overnight, so for your marriage to last, I think you're both going to have to compromise.
Talk to him and explain that you are genuinely becoming very upset. He needs to understand that you need to some space in the house that is free of his clutter, or your marriage is going to suffer.
Having business papers scattered around the house isn't very professional, so start with those. If he doesn't already have a study space, try and create one and keep all the business papers filed within it. If that is then his space, you need a space of your own – somewhere in the house that's a clutter-free zone with, perhaps, your choice of furniture (or even NO furniture).
Perhaps when he sees how relaxing and peaceful your space is, he'll be willing to change or at least reduce the clutter elsewhere in the house. I really hope so!
HUSBAND DOESN'T WANT SEX SINCE OUR BABY WAS BORN
FOUR months ago, I gave birth to our beautiful baby daughter. It was a relatively easy birth and I'm fully recovered, but my husband is treating me like I'm a piece of fragile glass.
He's over the moon about our daughter and is taking great care of us both, but he's gone off sex completely.
However much I try to make it clear I'm interested, he always finds an excuse not to.
We continued to make love right through my pregnancy so I cannot understand what's wrong with him – especially as he otherwise seems so happy. I'm wondering if he no longer loves me.
FS
FIONA SAYS: I rather suspect that it's not that he no longer loves you but almost the opposite. Some men seem to put the mother of their child on a pedestal – no doubt with the best of intentions. You've done something so wonderful, bringing a new life into the world, that he's giving you a kind of goddess status!
He's also probably struggling to come to terms with the disruption a baby inevitably causes. Like it or not, your baby does command a lot of your time and your husband may feel left out or even jealous. His way of dealing with this struggle may be to hold back from you until he has come to terms with his conflicting emotions.
Continue to reassure him that you do still love and need him and I'm sure he'll soon come around, especially when he realises you are the same person you always were.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
