HERE we are, entering week six of lockdown together and what a time we’re having. There have been manic bursts of activity – must dig a vegetable patch! Followed by lulls – the third series of Killing Eve dropped. And then unwelcome thoughts start to creep in. Unbidden. Do not allow them to take hold.
For example, if you’ve found yourself kneeling on the kitchen tiles, peering into the oven and contemplating cleaning it then Sleb Safari would urge you to pick up the phone to someone, a professional even, because you must not allow lockdown to break your will. You have not cleaned that oven since you bought it and that’s how it should stay.
If you are looking for something productive to do Sleb Safari has a better suggestion than cleaning. What you need to do is check out the All In Challenge which is raising funds to help people in the US experiencing food insecurity during the coronavirus pandemic.
Athletes, actors and musicians have been asked to go all in and either donate a “cherished possession” or a “once-in-a-lifetime fan experience”.
Prizes will be auctioned off or won via a $10 raffle ticket. It’s genius. Who wouldn’t want to spend $10 for the chance to have Justin Bieber turn up at your door and serenade you? Wow, that’s quite a lot of you.
How about flying to LA on Drake’s private jet with seven of your friends to party with Champagne Papi and his friends? That’s not doing it for you either. Hhhhhhm.
OK, listen to this: Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman will come to your house and set up a lemonade stall with your children. Yes that is very American and your neighbours will look at you if your children are selling things at the side of the road.
Right, if sport is more your thing you can win lunch with A-Rod plus a batting lesson. Sleb Safari would accept that if it thought it would get to see Jennifer Lopez in the flesh. Sleb Safari has long suspected J Lo is a cyborg. Either that or she’s drinking the elixir of life and Sleb Safari wants one of those smoothies.
Or Tom Brady, American footballer and husband of Gisele Bundchen, will take you through a workout. Imagine you won that; Sleb Safari would have to ask to be talked through it, not taken through it.
In the cherished possession category you will find the dress Gwyneth Paltrow’s wore to the 2000 Oscars which she once described as the dress she chose because she “wanted to disappear that year”.
As you can tell Sleb Safari trawled through all the sweepstakes and auctions and it can categorically state that it has found the prize everyone will want, regardless of gender, age or ability to hold a note – singing on stage in Las Vegas with Boyz II Men followed by dinner after the show. Come on! Imagine singing End of the Road with Boyz II Men.
There’s a bid of $6,500 and if any of you are even thinking of outbidding Sleb Safari there’s going to be serious trouble. Serious. Trouble.
Do not come between Sleb Safari and Boyz II Men.
Slebs; they're just like us
ENTRY number five squillion in the Slebs: They’re Just Like Us manual is Carol Decker, of T’Pau fame.
Best known for comparing herself to delph, Carol is passing the time in lockdown as best she can by finding joy in the little things.
Carol is growing cress on her windowsill and detailing every development – every hint of growth – on her Twitter feed. And she’s just right to.
Sleb Safari looks forward to the denouement when Carol finally gets to make the egg and cress sandwich she has been looking forward to for weeks. Go Carol!
High Five Wayne Rooney
THIS week’s high five recipient is Wayne Rooney and Sleb Safari can say, without fear of contradiction, that this is the first time he has received the honour.
Wayne has marked the nine-year anniversary of a tweet of his that read: “hi rio do u want picking up in the morning pal”.
We’ll never know whether he meant to send it as a direct message to Rio Ferdinand or a text, and we don’t need to. It’s perfect as it is.
To formally recognise the anniversary Wayne retweeted it with the message: “9 years ago today. Time flies”.
High five Wayne Rooney for having a GSOH.
Social Media Smut
Kevin Bacon posted this picture on Instagram last week with the caption: “Been thinking a lot about family these days…. #tbt to a time of young marriage, a new baby and bad mullets” which is ever so sweet but all Sleb Safari can see is Harry Styles.
And Harry Styles:
