I don't know how to help my son and his wife who have been going through a terrible time during lockdown. They only got married late last year and despite the age gap (he's 11 years younger than her), we thought they were well suited and seemed so happy.
He'd never been very confident before and the fact that he found someone to love, who said she loved him, made a huge difference to his self-esteem. She had been terribly badly abused by her ex-husband and seemed to have blossomed with my son. Her ex had attacked her almost daily and it had obviously had a profound effect on her and on her two children. Obviously, we didn't expect her to forget her past, but we all thought she'd moved on. The children (aged nine and five) seemed to get on well with my son and the youngest had started to call him Dad.
They've both been furloughed and have been stuck at home together as a family – which my son was really enjoying. Then last week, out of the blue, my daughter-in-law said she wanted him to leave.
He has no idea what has gone wrong and he is devastated – as are we all. He is still living in the house with her and he's hurting very badly, even though he tries not to let on to me. What can I say to him?
JS
FIONA SAYS: Your daughter-in-law, with a terrible legacy of abuse to come to terms with, may have any number of reasons why she is struggling in this marriage. Unfortunately, she isn't the one that has written to me, but she's probably the one who needs help, advice and counselling the most.
Much as you want to help, I don't think she would take that from you.
Something has triggered her response to reject him and to reject this developing relationship. Unless there is something he has kept from you, it could be due to something in her past – but the only person who can really answer this question is her.
Perhaps it's being forced together, day after day in lockdown that has reminded her of feeling trapped and unable to escape. I am in no way suggesting your son is also an abuser, but the stress and frustration could have brought up bad memories for her. Because she hasn't fully recovered from her past, she may have found this frightening. It takes a long, long time for someone to recover from that fear and I suspect she's frightened – not of your son but of her inability to cope.
As your son is still living in the house with her, perhaps he could encourage her to seek help? She most certainly seems to need it and if he could appeal to her on the grounds of his relationship with the children too, that might help her feel better about it.
There is no reason why your son shouldn't seek counselling and support for himself as well. You say he has lacked confidence in the past and this current situation could mean he struggles in the future, especially if they do separate. Even if it doesn't help him to mend the relationship, it might help him realise he isn't to blame and help him to believe in himself again.
Whatever happens, developing his own self-esteem is important for him to be able to support his wife and her children. He needs to understand that, with the damage that has been done to her, there is probably little he could do to make this marriage work, unless she is willing to try too.
I WANT MY CHEATING HUSBAND BACK
After 24 years of marriage, my husband walked out on me for a so-called 'friend' of the family. That was 18 months ago and, because we had our own business together, it meant I also lost my job and my entire social life.
My mother (who I was very close to) had died a couple of months before, and I thought originally that he'd left me because I was distanced from him while I was grieving.
I found out later that the affair had been going on for nearly 15 years.
Anyway, since he left me, he's not had much luck. He carried on running our business, which failed – partly because I was the front-facing part of it and he's not very good with people. He's also been very ill, and chances are he won't now be able to work again anyway.
Since I've been in isolation, I've thought about him a lot and realise I don't want to divorce him. If that's what he wants then he's going to have to do it, as, truth be told, I really want him back and want to try again at our marriage.
My kids haven't had much to do with him since he left, but they've both said they love him and miss him. They blame him for the break-up, but I know I could – and should – have done more to keep our relationship alive. My life seems so empty, and I find it very hard to come to terms with breaking up after all the years we were together.
I am still devastated by what has happened and although my kids tell me to get out and meet someone new, that's not so easy when I still love their dad. Do couples ever get back together? I live in hope and remember my vows so well.
GM
FIONA SAYS: People do get together again after being apart for as long as you and your husband have – some after much longer apart than 18 months. They are probably the exception rather than the rule though.
Have you been in touch with him at all? Do you have any indication that he is in the least bit interested in re-igniting your marriage? It may be that in spite of the things that have happened, he is perfectly happy with his new partner. If that's the case, then you will have to accept things as they are now and move on.
I can understand that while you've been isolated, you've had more time to think and realise that there were, perhaps, mistakes made on both sides. That certainly doesn't excuse a long-term affair with a family friend though. While I understand your reluctance to seek divorce or a new partner, I do think that, to a certain extent at least, your children are right.
Meeting someone new might be difficult right now but you can start the process of finding ways of doing so. Look at the dating apps available; sign up to some of the websites and start to feel familiar with new ways of meeting people. You need to make a new life for yourself that does not revolve totally around your husband, as yours seems to have done in the past.
You say you were the front-facing part of the business, so I image you're quite an outgoing person normally. That may have changed whilst your confidence has taken a knock, but that doesn't mean you can't get your spark back. Whether you and your husband can get back together or not, I think it's important for you to have friends and a life outside your marriage. If he is happy and decides to stay where he is, then at least you will have something to build on to make a future for yourself.
AM I TOO OLD TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD?
I'm 39 and have just re-married. My new husband has one adult son and I have two children aged 16 and 14, so the last time I was pregnant was 14 years ago.
We'd like a child together but are both worried about the risks of my having a child with abnormalities. I've spoken on the phone with my doctor, who worried and confused me and I'm not sure what I should do.
ER
FIONA SAYS: Only you can answer this because pregnancy risks do increase with age, both for the mother and for the foetus/baby. Having said that, although there may be some additional advice and guidance to follow, many women do still have healthy pregnancies at 39 and in their 40s. But being informed is important.
The healthier you are before you conceive, the better – so give up smoking and lose weight if necessary; take a folic acid supplement; eat a healthy, balanced diet – all these things are important.
Your doctor has confused you so make a list of all the questions you want answered and book another call.
You are obviously aware of the possibility of genetic disorders, so discuss the available tests and make sure you have them at the appropriate time.
You should also be aware of the risks to your own health, which range from the psychological (if you struggle to conceive) to the physical (high blood pressure, complications during delivery, etc). The NHS website has a useful section on 'planning your pregnancy', which I'd encourage you to look at. The National Childbirth Trust website (nct.org.uk) is also full of valuable advice and information. You can call their helpline is you are worried before, during and after your pregnancy.
MY NIECE IS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
My niece is in an abusive relationship and recently had a miscarriage. She and her boyfriend drink heavily and do drugs – which she started doing after her mother (my sister) died.
The last time he hit her, she did leave him, but she went back saying that he's the only man for her. I wish I could pull her out of this terrible way of life as I fear for her safety, but she won't listen. She thinks she can change him, but I think that's impossible and that she is just obsessed with him. What can I do?
BS
FIONA SAYS: Situations like this are so hard. As horrible as it may sound though, if your niece is choosing to return to this person, there may not be very much you can do. This will not be easy for you or for other family members, but if you try to force her to leave, I suspect you will simply drive her further away from those who most want to her help.
Make sure she knows you love her, and that you are there for her if she needs help – whenever that may be. Also make sure she has the number of the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247.
Then all you can do is help her to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart. There has been a big increase in the incidence of domestic violence during lockdown – I sincerely hope your niece gets through this without any further abuse.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
