MY HUSBAND and I have been married for 14 years but I've never been truly happy with him. We got married because I was desperate to have children and he seemed like the best option at the time. That's a terrible thing to admit, but it's true.
We have two lovely boys I'm devoted to – but even they weren't enough to keep me with my husband, when I met and fell in love with someone else 18 months ago. My affair was with a man I worked with; we found out we were both in unhappy relationships and with the strength of our feelings for one another, we soon fell in love.
At the time, I did not regret my decision, but I was very sad about the children – who were actually great about it.
When lockdown started, I went to see my husband to work out how I would get to see the boys. I was shocked and surprised to see just how badly he had taken our break-up. He had lost masses of weight and his doctor had put him on anti-depressants. I also saw how much this was upsetting our boys, so after a long discussion with my lover, I stayed. We thought it would be the best way of being in a bubble together, but it's been awful. We just argue all the time and not a day goes by that I don't miss my lover.
All I want to do is go back to living with my lover. The whole thing is so confusing.
SA
FIONA SAYS: It may seem confusing – but it's not really. You have two simple choices: you go back to your lover, or you stay with your husband and make it work. Things cannot go on as they are, and I'm not really surprised your husband feels angry and hurt.
He probably feels used by your decision to move back simply to be closer to your children, rather than to be with him. Like it or not, you've probably hurt him badly – and you've probably hurt your boys too, even though they might be trying to make you think you haven't.
However, none of this means that you don't deserve to be happy – everybody does. Relationships do end and pain and sadness can be an inevitable part of that.
You have to accept the consequences of your choice either way, and if you're going to stay with your husband permanently, then you are going to have to work at making your relationship a success.
You will have to put your lover behind you and try to work things out with your family. It sounds like it would be a very good idea to seek third-party help to work things out properly. Contact Relate (relate.org.uk) or an alternative counselling service.
Whether you stay or not, counselling can probably help your ongoing relationships in all sorts of ways, as you will have to negotiate access to your boys. If you plan to stay and do decide to go through this process, you may find at the end of it that there isn't enough left in this relationship to make it work, and, to be honest, I think this may be the case.
I don't know how to handle my husband's sulking
MY HUSBAND and I have been married for 15 years and have two teenage children, but if any of us says or does something he doesn't like, he loses his temper or sulks and refuses to talk to anyone. This can last for days and can be very upsetting, especially when he starts to cook for himself alone, or sleeps in the spare bedroom.
I've got through these bouts in the past by simply ignoring him, and sometimes taking the children away for a day or two to stay with my parents. That hasn't been an option recently and I've realised just how bad his moods can be. I wish there were something I could do to break him out of this.
PP
FIONA SAYS: It is possible that your husband is a spoiled, immature man, who perhaps needs a big reality check to make him realise how hurtful his behaviour is. Alternatively, he may have a genuine psychological problem or undiagnosed disorder and need help. The pressures everyone has been under through this pandemic will almost certainly have made his moods worse, whatever the reason for them.
There is something seriously wrong here – either with your marriage or with your husband. Tell your husband that his behaviour is putting a strain on you and the children, and that you are also concerned for him.
Hopefully, you can engage his attention long enough to explain all this but if he cuts you off again, please contact a helpline, such as Samaritans (samaritans.org – or call 116 123).
