MY father died early last year, leaving my mother to live on her own during this pandemic. She was desperately upset and clearly struggling, so I was going back and forth to her, trying to support her.
My husband suggested that to save on the journeys, she could move in with us. It meant our two sons had to go back to sharing a room – which they weren’t very happy about but understood. However, none of us thought the situation would last so long!
I love my mother, don’t get me wrong, but this was never intended to be anything but a short-term arrangement.
I wouldn’t mind if she did things, but all she wants to do is sit around the house and talk. My husband and I are both trying to hold down our jobs, working from home, on top of which we’re trying to home-school the boys.
This has been going on now since October and the whole family is beginning to resent it, especially my sons who feel that she is forever prying into their lives and their room. I have tried to explain that she is just lonely and probably only wants to talk, but they find it very hard to accept this.
My husband thinks I should just ask her to leave, but having invited her in the first place, I don’t feel I can do that. I suppose I am going to have to suggest it to her – but I have no idea how to do this without hurting her feelings and that’s the last thing I want to do.
LM
FIONA SAYS: It can easily take years to come to terms with the death of a loved one, so your mother is probably still grieving.
The fact you feel she has become overly dependent on you for support isn’t, therefore, surprising.
Your husband’s suggestion that she move in with you during this lockdown period was kind, and probably the best thing to do in the current circumstances. It would have been hard for you to continue to support her with all the restrictions in place and high infection rates, even if you’d formed a bubble.
You will need to be careful and tactful about how you move forward from here. Although it’s difficult for your family, I think, to ask her to move out now, whilst restrictions are so tight, would be a little unfair. Talk to her, in a positive way, about things she’s going to do when restrictions are eased a little further down the line.
You could ask her what friends she’s looking forward to seeing again; mention local shops she may be missing; things like that. Without actually saying so, you will begin to make it clear to her that you’re not expecting her to stay with you long-term. I would also suggest you encourage her to introduce new activities and social contact into her life. This could help her feel more self-reliant and hopefully see that she still has a life to lead without your father being around – although understandably she may find this hard for a while.
I’d also suggest that, meanwhile, you encourage your husband and children to try to be more patient. Of course, you’ll want to go easy on the boys too – children are dealing with a lot of changes and challenges too, and everyone needs a bit of space and privacy. But it would be good if, instead of resenting her, they sat and chatted with her from time to time. It might seem hard at first but they could help her to feel more at ease – which I suspect she isn’t feeling at present.
You don’t mention whether you have a wider family or not, but if you do, perhaps they could be encouraged to help out too – although having her to stay, right now, could be tricky. Could they have video chats though? Given a little patience, I am sure you can get your message across without hurting her feelings.
SCARED I MIGHT BE PREGNANT AFTER CHRISTMAS PARTY FLING
I SUPPOSE you’ll think this serves me right but just before Christmas, when restrictions weren’t so tight, I went to a party and got a bit drunk. I suppose it was the novelty of being with people again that I ended up in bed with a guy I hardly know (and yes, I know – we weren’t supposed to be having parties, but we did).
I didn’t intend things to go as far as they did, and I suppose because neither of us were expecting it, he didn’t use a condom. He did use the withdrawal method though, so I thought I’d be OK, but I haven’t had a period this month and I’m now a couple of weeks late. I’m frightened I might be pregnant and I’m in a complete state about it.
I don’t have any family I can turn to for advice, as my parents are deeply religious and have always gone on at me about not having sex before marriage. They will lose it big time if they find out!
I realise I’ve been an idiot and wish it would just go away, so what should I do?
SS
FIONA SAYS: There is no point in dwelling on how this happened – but you do need to take some action now.
The first step is to find out whether you are actually pregnant. You could buy a home test kit but if your period is late, if may well be worth going straight to your doctor. You can call up and ask for a phone consultation in the first instance – and tell them what’s going on.
If you’re not pregnant, then there won’t be anything further to worry about – although you did still have unprotected sex. The ‘withdrawal method’ is not a proper method of contraception, and it also does not provide any protection against sexually-transmitted infections. So I would advise seeking some advice and information on these things from your GP and/or local sexual health services. You might want to explore reliable contraceptive options, as well as a chat about STIs.
If you are pregnant, it’s important to get appropriate advice and support – the sooner the better. As you say you don’t have anyone to talk to about this, I think it would be a good idea to contact a pregnancy counselling service. You may have some very important decisions to make about yourself and your future – these services can provide helpful and judgment-free support, whatever you decide to do.
Although you say your parents would be horrified, it may be that you actually want to keep this pregnancy and have the baby. If that’s the case then however angry they’re going to be, they will find out eventually. Think about how you are going to approach them and what you want to say. If, on the other hand, you want to have the baby but not keep it – in other words, give it up for adoption – it’s likely that your parents will find out about this too. So that again means you need to think of how you’re going to discuss it with them.
Your other option is to consider terminating the pregnancy and having an abortion. If that’s the route you choose, whilst it would be good to have your parents’ support, they might never need to find out. That may seem like the most attractive option to you right now, but do think carefully about what you really want and what is right for you.
All of these decisions might be challenging, so I would encourage you to speak to someone at a Brook service (brook.org.uk), or another young people’s service. Talking to a counsellor, who can give you information and support and provide space for you to process how you really feel about this, will help you make the best decision for you.
And it really is important that whatever you decide, you feel that it’s you who has made the decision. It is your life and your choice – and if you let anyone else decide for you, you could have regrets that are hard to live with.
SHOULD I TELL MUM I DON’T LIKE HER NEW BOYFRIEND?
A FEW months ago, my mum started seeing a man that I really don’t like. He makes my skin crawl, to be honest. The way he’s tried to ingratiate himself with me and the rest of my family is almost vomit-inducing.
Mum’s on Zoom with him all the time and keeps wanting me to chat to him too – she seems really keen. She’s been on her own for a couple of years and she obviously likes the attention. I’m pleased she seems happy again, but I just wish it was with someone else as it feels like this man is spoiling the good relationship I have with her.
I just wish she’d never met him – should I tell her what I think?
OH
FIONA SAYS: This must be difficult for you, but I think you should be very wary of doing anything that might be seen as interference in this relationship. You say your mother seems happy, and if you sound off about this man or say you don’t want to meet him, she might see this as an ultimatum. Could you be certain that she’d choose you?
So please try not to overreact – you might find that once you meet him in person, he’s very different to the way he appears on a screen. If you genuinely want your mum to be happy, I think you’ll need to be a bit more tolerant of this man. If, after lockdown, he becomes a more permanent feature in your mum’s life and you still can’t stand him, then you’ll have to find ways of seeing your mum when he’s not around.
Finally, if you’re finding it hard to avoid the Zoom calls, could you not be online with friends of your own when he calls – or have work that needs doing, or just be in a different space?
FOUND LUMPS IN MY VAGINA – SHOULD I BE WORRIED?
MY boyfriend and I have been having a regular sexual relationship for the past 18 months and we’ve been very careful about protection. But I’ve found I’ve got a couple of small bumps inside me quite deep inside.
I suspect they’re nothing, but I can’t help being a bit worried as they don’t go away. Am I too young for a smear test – I’m nearly 18? The thought is really scary but I’m trying to be sensible.
LF
The NHS cervical screening service generally sees women invited for a smear test every three years from age 25-49, then every five years until 64. But this is just the general screening programme – people may have additional tests when required, and there is no rule that says you can’t have one at an earlier age if appropriate.
It’s understandable to worry when we find unusual lumps and bumps – and you are certainly doing the right thing by not ignoring them. There are many reasons the ‘bumps’ might be there and they could be totally harmless. It could even just be your cervix, which is deep inside the vagina and often described as feeling very much like the tip of a nose.
But getting anything potentially usual checked by a doctor is always the sensible thing to do. Make an appointment with your GP and discuss it with them. They will probably want to do an internal examination. Please don’t be alarmed by this, or having a smear test – they’re not nearly as unpleasant as people can think and they are a very important preventative measure.
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