BACK in November, my dad developed a dry cough. At the beginning of December, he was admitted to hospital when he started to struggle with his breathing. He tested positive for coronavirus, so we weren’t able to visit him, to hold his hand, or even eventually say goodbye.
The staff at the hospital did everything they possibly could for him, but like so many others, this virus sadly claimed my dad’s life just before Christmas.
I’ve been dealing with an overwhelming feeling of grief and sadness, but I’m incredibly aware of everyone’s struggles and difficult experiences of the past 12 months.
When so many people have sadly lost loved ones, I can’t help but feel like my grief isn’t unique, and therefore not justified.
I’m trying to keep a stiff upper lip and to get on with my life, but I feel like he was taken from me too soon. Am I the only person feeling this way?
JR
FIONA SAYS: I’m absolutely sure you’re not the only one feeling this way. Sadly, many people have been through a similar experience over the past year. The pandemic has had a huge impact on us emotionally. Like you, many are suffering and deeply saddened by the way in which loved ones have died alone – apart, of course, from the hospital staff who have been there with them.
Not only is your grief fully justified, but it is also necessary – so please don’t think that keeping a stiff upper lip is the way forward. We all need to grieve when people we love and care about die, and bottling up that grief can cause long term psychological damage. The fact that so many people have had a tough time over the past year does not reduce your loss and your need to grieve.
Whilst in normal times, a funeral, with supporting friends and family, can really help that process, sadly even that has been denied to vast numbers of bereaved people right now. Whilst some funerals have continued to take place, numbers attending have been limited. Further, many of those who might have wished to attend were unable to, because they were forced to isolate, or due to restrictions.
There will be a minute’s silence on Tuesday March 23 at midday, where people can show their support for the millions of people who’ve been bereaved. It is also a day in which you’re encouraged to take a moment to connect with someone you know who’s grieving. The Marie Curie charity believes it is vital that we make time to commemorate those who have died, and they hope this day will bring us together to pause, reflect and support each other.
Unfortunately, we will still be subject to restrictions, but could you, perhaps, use the day as an opportunity to connect with family – perhaps through an online memorial for your dad? Could you also make the day special in other ways – perhaps everyone in the family could share (remotely) your father’s favourite meal? I’m sure you could think of other ways in which you could give the day over to your grief and, if you need help coping with this, remember the Marie Curie Support Line on 0800 090 2309.
:: I'm so cross that
GP dismissed me
I left my local doctor’s surgery fit to burst last week. I’d had a telephone consultation with another doctor that didn’t help at all, so I’d waited weeks to get a face-to-face appointment about the almost constant cramp in my legs.
When I walked into the room, I spoke to him for about a minute before his phone rang. I then had to sit through eight of my allotted 10 minutes listening to him dealing with someone else’s problem. When I did finally get his attention, all I got was: “I don’t know what’s wrong. Why don’t you try diet and exercise? I’m so busy, I must get on.”
I was made to feel guilty for wasting his time with what he obviously thinks is a trivial problem, but it’s not trivial to me. Before this pain started, I was out walking every day.
Now I’m in almost constant pain, can hardly move, and am finding it hard to sleep at night. I know they’re busy, dealing with this virus and everything but the numbers are going down, so surely he could spare me some attention?
I feel worse now than I did before seeing a doctor to try to get ‘better’!
DB
FIONA SAYS: It is unfortunate when one patient has to overhear a telephone conversation between a doctor and another patient – that does sound frustrating. And you are in pain and struggling to sleep, which must in itself be impacting you.
But remember this isn’t all the doctor’s fault. These are very difficult times for GP practices, and most doctors are under tremendous pressure to cope. Even in non-Covid times, they have to deal with a demanding workload. Obviously, some cope better than others, but please remember they are only human.
I don’t know what caused the doctor to be so off-hand with you; perhaps the call was a difficult one, or he was having a bad day, or perhaps that’s just his normal manner. Nonetheless, you do deserve to feel you’ve had a proper conversation about your symptoms – so make another appointment. You don’t necessarily have to see the same doctor – you could ask to see a different one if you think that would help.
Don’t leave the surgery until you’ve fully explained your problem and got a satisfactory reply – the doctor may still not have answers for you, but should be able to make sensible suggestions. ‘Diet and exercise’ might indeed be helpful – but you at least need advice on what diet and what exercise that is, as the wrong ones could make things worse.
You need medical help and advice, and you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for asking for it.
