Q: MY son is 32 and left home seven years ago. He now has a place of his own on the other side of town where he lives alone. He has a good job and as far as I can tell he has no money worries.
However, he still comes home every weekend and brings his washing with him. He’s done this all through lockdown as he was in a bubble with us.
He still has a room in our home which is, as far as I’m concerned, his bedroom but my husband thinks it should be a guest room.
I don’t mind this at all – I’m happy to have him around but my husband really resents it.
For me, it’s important that he looks good and that he eats properly at least at weekends.
He and his father have never really got on well, even when he was little, my husband resented him, and I’ve never understood this. We always seem to be having rows about our son ‘paying his way if he wants to stay under my roof’.
It is upsetting me a lot and I don’t know what to do for the best?
DC
FIONA SAYS: You are clearly close to your son, and he has certainly got into the habit of relying on your home as if it were a convenient hotel.
Although you’re close, I am surprised to read that, now lockdown has eased, a young, independent man is spending every weekend with his parents.
What kind of life is he leading?
He should be out and about with people of his own age; getting home late and generally having fun.
Additionally, if he really doesn’t get on with his father, I am surprised he wants to visit quite so regularly.
I cannot help but wonder if he isn’t perhaps a little depressed and unhappy,
Your husband blames your son for not ‘paying his way’ but, if this young man is depressed, he may be unable to think about how his behaviour affects other people.
Further, your husband shouldn’t really blame him for this behaviour as it’s partly something you’ve encouraged.
At 32 he’s certainly quite old enough to be organising his own washing and feeding himself properly.
It sounds like your son could be taking advantage of your willingness to look after him and this could explain your husband’s antipathy towards him.
It may be that your husband thinks your son has always taken advantage of you and that the time has come to cut the apron strings.
It may be that neither of you are yet ready for that, which doesn’t mean steps can’t be taken to help him towards more independence.
Part of that will mean contributing in some more active way towards the costs you and your husband are incurring from his continued presence.
I think it’s time that you all, as a family, sat down together and discussed how you all feel.
Your son needs to explain why he feels the need to come home so often and why he feels it’s acceptable to be waited on without offering anything in return.
Your husband needs to explain to your son how he sees things – without losing his temper if possible.
You need to explain to them both why you are willing to continue this arrangement, which is clearly unfair on you and, indeed, your husband.
Then you all need to consider your positions to see if they’re fair and reasonable.
You say your son has a secure, well paid job, so making a fair contribution to the household expenses is not unreasonable.
If you really feel you don’t want him to do this, then how about suggesting he shows his appreciation in other ways?
An occasional meal or nice gift would go a long way to show he isn’t just taking you both for granted.
I’M STRUGGLING TO COPE AFTER HAVING A BABY
I ALWAYS thought of myself as a competent, organised business woman, capable of doing anything I put my mind to. I held down a substantial career and was always highly thought of as I took responsibility for international divisions of my company.
I kept working throughout my pregnancy, even when I had periods of morning sickness, and I only stopped two weeks before my baby was born.
I could never understand why women made so much fuss about having a baby, needing time off and complaining of exhaustion.
It’s only a small human – how much work does it need?
I thought most mothers were wimpish yet, here I am, three months later, so tired, drained, and exhausted that some days I don’t manage to get dressed until late afternoon.
I spend much of my time in tears and, if I do manage to get out of the house, it takes me over an hour to get through the front door.
There is so much to remember, and I’m terrified of neglecting something important.
I feel as if I just can’t cope with it all and, if my colleagues could see me now, they would be amazed at the state of me.
I feel hopeless and am scared my husband will get fed up with me unless I can pull myself together.
TB
FIONA SAYS: You are not hopeless you’re just a perfectly normal, new mother.
Although they won’t all have held down such high-flying careers before having a baby, I’m pretty certain that about 75 per cent of mums reading this will understand exactly how you feel.
Babies may be small humans, but they’re designed to raise our anxiety levels – that’s how they survive, by making sure we’re on the alert to their every need. You, I’m sure, are used to office-like routines and people around you taking control of their own actions.
Babies just aren’t like that, as you’ve realised. I am concerned by the fact you say you’re in tears much of the time though, and although your experience of managing a new baby is normal, I don’t think constant tears is. It could indicate post-natal depression, which is, sadly, something around 10 per cent of mums go through, caused, in part by rampaging hormone changes.
This is a not a phantom condition and shouldn’t be treated lightly or ignored.
Do please consider talking to your doctor about this – it is something you can be helped with.
That won’t mean your baby will be any easier to manage, but you might just feel better about things if you don’t feel so low.
In time you will establish routines of your own with your baby and you’ll feel more in control.
Aside from talking to your doctor, I’d also encourage you to talk to your husband about your feelings and don’t try to do too much too soon.
Make sure he is doing his share of chores too, including those things that directly involve the baby, like changing nappies and getting up in the night.
Managing a baby is really hard work and although you may think you should do it all because he is out to work, it won’t help him bond with the baby if he doesn’t take turns.
When you have the chance to leave your baby with your husband, or with someone else you trust, try and get yourself outside for a walk or run.
Just getting out occasionally will help you to feel more normal once more.
I’d also encourage you to look at the websites for the Association for Post Natal Illness (apni.org) and PATH (path-perinatal.eu) to read other people’s stories and discover the support that’s on offer.
CAN I EVER TRUST HER AGAIN?
I HAVE been engaged for the past two years to a girl I have known for over 10 years.
We recently bought a house together, so I was devastated when I learnt she had been having an affair with a colleague at work.
I immediately asked her to leave but we were in lockdown so she couldn’t.
We had several difficult, tense months and she kept begging me to let her stay as the affair was over anyway.
I still love her very much, but I feel terribly hurt and I don’t see how I can bring myself to trust her again.
Should I carry on with this relationship or finish it?
HF
FIONA SAYS: You say you still love her so finishing your relationship is going to hurt you a lot.
If you carry on as you are though, you’re still going to struggle to trust her, so surely it would be better to try and find out why the affair happened rather than finish things.
Everyone makes a mistake sometimes but the only thing to do with mistakes is accept that they happen and then learn from them.
It sounds to me that your girlfriend made a mistake, but I don’t know exactly what that mistake was.
Either being with you is the mistake, or it was in trying to settle down with you before she was ready, or it was in risking the relationship she had with you by having an affair.
I suspect, because she finished the affair so easily, it was a case of being frightened by the commitment she suddenly felt she was facing.
You have accepted you love your fiancée, in spite of your hurt feelings, but your relationship will not work until you can forgive the affair and reach a better understanding.
For things to improve, you need to work out what went wrong and put it right.
If you can do that, your relationship will be on far more solid ground for the future.
I WANT TO SEE HIM MORE – BUT HE’S RELUCTANT
I HAVE been going out with a man who is still getting over a bitter divorce.
I am 21 and he is in his early 30s.
We been seeing each other for five months now, but not as often as I’d like.
He fights shy of getting too involved and tells me he wants to see me but fears getting hurt again.
I understand how he feels and I’m not really ready to settle down yet either.
I really like him though and would like to think we have a future together as we get on so well.
It’s a shame he is holding back though, so should I push to see him more often?
What do you think?
JT
FIONA SAYS: You have been seeing one another for some time, even if it is not as frequently as you might like.
I can’t tell you how long it is going to be before this man gets over his fears, neither can I tell you, even if he does recover, if you will be the one he wants to form a serious relationship with.
I can tell you one thing though, that while he feels like this, you must make the most of the rest of your life.
You are young, there are lots of other interesting things to do and people to meet.
Don’t pin all your hopes and dreams on this one man.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
