TWO years ago, my husband went through a difficult patch at work. His role in ‘middle management’ was being made particularly difficult by a young man who worked in his department, who couldn’t be trusted to do the job properly.
My husband was supported and helped by the company, and in particular by a lady who worked in the human resources department. She helped him a lot and together they managed to resolve the problems, so that everyone was happy.
Things returned to normal, but I know my husband continued to see this lady quite regularly. He said she was ‘just a friend’ but I always wondered if there was something more to it. Things between the two of us became a bit tense – I suppose I was jealous, although he always told me he loved me and that I had no need to be.
Then came the lockdown and everyone was working from home. Obviously, my husband wasn’t seeing her, or anyone else, from work, and things between the two of us settled down again. Now he’s gone back to work again, and I’m worried he and this woman will take up where they left off. I don’t know what to do for the best.
CO
FIONA SAYS: It’s most likely that this woman was simply doing what she was paid to do and acted in a professional counselling capacity to sort out your husband’s problem. Your husband’s confidence could well have been knocked by a tricky management problem, and perhaps she continued to mentor and support him. Even if that wasn’t the case, it’s quite usual for friendships to grow out of shared work issues.
I’m not sure where your concerns really came from, as you don’t indicate that he was staying late or away from home at all? If an affair had been going on between them, I’m sure there would have been ‘overtime’ and ‘conferences’ that may have given you reasons to worry a lot more. It’s quite possible for all of us to have friends of the opposite sex, without this ever being a threat to our established partnerships.
You don’t tell me about your life, and I wonder if you are feeling a lack of self-confidence. I’m not sure how you fill your time but if you don’t work, could you think about getting a job or taking up a volunteering activity of some kind?
I sense from your letter that there isn’t much going on in your life, leaving you time to worry about what your husband is doing. As you are still anxious about your husband meeting up with this woman again, now might be a good time to discuss your feelings of insecurity with your husband. It might also be an idea to contact Relate (relate.org.uk) to see if counselling could help you.
If you and he can reassure each other, and work to make your relationship even better than it already is, there won’t be a way for anyone to spoil your happiness.
MY BOYFRIEND WANTS ME TO CHANGE
I WOULD like your help about how to keep my boyfriend, who lives with his parents and works for his dad. I have a baby and live in a small council flat, where my boyfriend stays once in a while. He’s told me I have to get myself together, and wrote me a list of all the things he thinks I need to do.
He says I have got to lose weight; get in shape; find a job and a childminder; and track down some CDs that I said I’d get him for Christmas. He didn’t even have the bottle to give me the list but texted it to me.
I know I’ve let myself go a bit, but with the baby being so demanding (she is 18 months old, not his) I haven’t had the time or money to spend on myself. I have really tried to get a job and to get his CDs, but I’m struggling to afford them to be honest, and I don’t know what else to do to keep us together.
RC
FIONA SAYS: Well, you could lie on the floor and let him walk all over you – because he’s already treating you like a doormat. This isn’t a relationship; he’s only with you when it suits him and he’s trying to turn you into someone else – someone that perhaps he might find acceptable.
As he lives and works with his parents, he clearly has no idea just how hard it is to get a job in the real world, especially with a baby’s needs to consider. Finding a childminder before you have an income is hard enough, and trying to earn an income without anyone to look after your baby is even harder.
I can sense you’re angry, when you say he ‘didn’t even have the bottle’ to give you the list he prepared – so I think you know, deep down, that this isn’t the way things should be.
I don’t know whether or not you are in touch with your baby’s father, or if this is an option for you, but might he be able to help you with childcare? Or do you have any family members that could, temporarily, help you out?
That still doesn’t help you with your relationship though, and I have to wonder why you are trying to hang on to this man? Is it because it seems better to have any man in your life, rather than trying to cope on your own? Believe me, it’s not. You are far more likely to achieve things because you want to do them for yourself and your daughter, than for some man with unrealistic expectations. Please believe me when I say you can do so much better than this. There is someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are, and what you’re trying to do; who will encourage and support you, not belittle you like this man is doing.
MY PARENTS KEEP BRINGING UP MY ‘TROUBLESOME’ TEENAGE YEARS
WHEN I was a teenager, I was no angel and I’m sure I gave my parents more than one or two sleepless nights. I usually had a couple of ‘unsuitable’ boyfriends around and, due to the endless rows, left home more than once.
Finally, when I was 17, I left home for good. I didn’t see my parents for several years and without any help from them, I got myself straightened out and now have a lovely husband and family.
I’m back in touch with my parents and I understand that they missed me, but visiting them is hard. Whenever we go, they seem to spend the entire time putting me down and referring back to my troublesome teenage years in front of my husband and children. I don’t feel that I can put up with much more of this.
FS
FIONA SAYS: Having missed out on the part of your life where you – as you put it – got yourself together, their memories of your troublesome time are all they have of you. That doesn’t mean to say they should keep bringing it up, and if they are constantly hurting you, I suggest you point this out to them.
Perhaps you could go and see them on your own? You have clearly changed, and I suggest that you gently but firmly tell them what they are doing to you and ask them to stop. If they can’t or won’t, then I don’t think you should feel obligated to keep visiting them. Telling them that you, your husband and children won’t be visiting again may make them realise what they’re doing and make them stop.
MY FIANCE IS IGNORING HIS EX-WIFE’S LETTERS
MY fiancé and I got engaged at Christmas and we’ve just bought a flat together. It’s all happened quite quickly, as we’ve only been together for about 18 months – we started going out just after his divorce came through.
I thought that part of his life was over, so it came as a shock when I discovered that his ex-wife has been writing to him every couple of weeks. He just throws the letters away unopened, saying that it’s over between them and as there are no children, he doesn’t want anything more to do with her.
I do feel sorry for her though and wonder why she is persisting with these letters. Should I say something to my fiancé, or leave things as they are?
NL
FIONA SAYS: Your concern for your husband’s ex-wife does you credit, and I think you are right to be concerned. Perhaps your fiancé and his ex had a difficult divorce, which could be why he dismisses these letters so easily.
There would seem to be some sort of unfinished matter between them and, naturally, you feel like it is hanging over your relationship. He owes it to you to clear it up, and whether it’s of an emotional nature or a purely practical one is unimportant.
It would help you to know what these letters are about and, once you do, you can decide whether to dismiss any further letters she sends, or set about dealing with the problem. Until that’s dealt with, his relationship with her cannot be said to be over.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
