I HAVE a 14-year-old son who is causing me some concern. He was always a beautiful looking baby, inheriting his father’s good looks, but just recently he has begun to look dreadful.
He has enormous feet and is always falling over things. His legs just seem to keep growing and if I have to lengthen his trousers once more, I swear I’ll make him wear shorts! He is covered in terrible spots, which no amount of washing seems to clear up. He is such a pain to live with at the moment, as he’s moody and uncooperative.
When I try to speak to him, all he does is grunt. I have to badger him to do anything to help around the house and usually have to resort to raising my voice, which means we end up in a shouting match. On the few occasions when we have actually spoken, he’s accused me of constantly moaning and getting at him.
Why can’t he see that we would all get along a little better if he pulled his weight around the house, and stopped being so unapproachable all the time? I do love him dearly but nothing I do seems to help and he is clearly unhappy, but I’m not sure if he needs a doctor or a full-scale row.
SJ
FIONA SAYS: Although you think you are suffering, believe me, I’m sure he is feeling an awful lot worse. Your son sounds no better or no worse than any other teenager going through puberty. All of us have to go through the awkward adolescent phase, when our limbs and feet grow faster than our ability to control them. And yes, many get spots and skin changes.
It is only a phase though and will pass, so I’m pretty sure there is nothing fundamentally wrong with your son, as far as the big feet and acne are concerned. He’s going through massive hormone changes, and it’s a testing and confusing time for youngsters.
Their bodies are changing rapidly, and most of them are ill-equipped emotionally to cope with these changes. They are beginning to feel the need for acceptance from their peers, and this may be incompatible with domestic chores and cuddles from mum. Your son is also beginning to develop his own personality, and a natural part of this is rebelling against authority.
For the moment, the only people that he can do this against safely is his family, so please, don’t be too harsh on him. I don’t think he needs a doctor’s intervention, although it may help him if you get your GP to check whether there is something that may help with the acne (if that’s what he wants).
What your son really needs at the moment is your love and reassurance that what he is going through is temporary. He will, given time, come through this phase, but you could speed things along a little by treating him as more of an adult than a troublesome youngster.
Oh, by the way, please don’t stop adjusting his trousers.
The sight of an ever-expanding expanse of sock between trouser bottom and feet will only make matters worse!
SHOULD I CONFESS I HAD AN AFFAIR?
I WORK as a writer, and I wrote a guide to having a successful affair. I didn’t write it to encourage people to have affairs – in fact I want the opposite for people. I don’t want them to make my mistake.
I wrote it so that if people are being stupid enough to have an affair like I did, I want them to know how to hide it. Also, to ensure it never ruins their life, because eventually everyone realises what a terrible mistake affairs are. I put my children, and my affair partner’s children at risk. I betrayed trust. I am not even half of a decent human.
I therefore am asking you Fiona, should I confess? Should I go and apologise to the man’s wife? Should I tell my husband? Will this ever go some way to redemption of some kind?
I never meant to be a bad person; I lost passion and attention from my husband, and someone else offered it. I was getting older and was vulnerable. I think I had previous grief from so many things in my life that it manifested itself in the self-sabotage of an affair. I think I should now tell the truth, but should I?
SM
FIONA SAYS: You don’t say how long ago your affair was but, from the way you’re writing, I’m guessing it was a while ago. You have, apparently, ‘got away with it’ – without those most likely to be hurt by it finding out. Yet you are clearly struggling with the guilt you feel, and you are not enjoying feeling this way.
So, do you really think that telling this man’s wife and your husband will make them feel good? It might help you to feel better if you confess, but I suspect that it will make them feel a whole lot worse. If they know nothing about it, then aren’t they, perhaps, better off not knowing?
If you think your husband has suspicions about this (especially if he’s voiced them), then I agree that you should probably tell him. If he’s been keeping his suspicions to himself though, then it could be that he’s afraid of finding out the truth.
Show him the love, care, and respect you should have been showing him all along. Work at improving things in your marriage and rekindle the love you once had for each other – that should go a long way recompense him for your affair. Telling him will make him shocked and hurt – he will no doubt feel betrayed and may want to separate from you – how is that going to affect your children?
I certainly don’t think it’s your place to tell your lover’s wife. That’s his responsibility – he is equally at fault for betraying his wife.
You are asking for ‘redemption’ but telling people who you’ve hurt (but who possibly don’t even know they’ve been hurt) isn’t going to redeem you. I suspect what you really mean is you want forgiveness, but that might not be forthcoming from those involved, I’m afraid.
You can, however, learn to forgive yourself, if you work at your marriage and put right what went wrong between you and your husband. Build trust, respect and indeed love between you once more, and learn to live with the guilt of this secret for the sake of your husband and family.
I WANT TO LEAVE MY BULLYING PARTNER
I HAVE been with my partner for five years; we are both 23 and have a four-year-old son together. My partner is borderline abusive. I am expected to do all the household chores and when I fail to do this, he loses his temper. He has been violent on occasion (but not towards my son yet) and especially during lockdown.
He also as no sense of independence. I have to bring him his meals and clothes each morning and take his dirty dishes back into the kitchen. When I refuse to do something, I am guilt-tripped into doing it anyway, or he starts becoming angry and threatening.
He goes out to work, but virtually nothing of what he earns goes into the household fund. It is like there’s two sides of him, one minute he’s nice and kind and the next he’s in a rage or sulk over something. I want to end things, but I haven’t the courage, and when I try and stand up for myself, I am made to feel as though I am in the wrong.
BH
FIONA SAYS: First, let me say you are not in the wrong if you stand up for yourself. There is nothing wrong with being assertive – but what is very wrong is the aggression you are experiencing from your partner. He isn’t ‘borderline’ abusive – he IS abusive. He’s dominating you, frightening you and hurting you – furthermore, he’s not even supporting you.
You say you haven’t the courage to end things, but perhaps the most worrying thing in this letter is your statement that he hasn’t hurt your son ‘yet’. That indicates you are fearful he may do so before too long, and how would you feel if you knew you could have avoided this happening but did nothing to prevent it?
You may not feel you have the courage to help yourself, but I’m sure you have the courage to help your son. Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or go to their website (nationaldahelpline.org.uk) for more information and support. They can help you move out of this situation into a place of safety.
I CRUMBLE UNDER ANY CRITICISM
I AM 32 and for a long as I can remember, I have been unable to cope with criticism. Even if someone just disagrees with me or contradicts what I’ve said, I crumple and fade away. This has made it very difficult for me to make friends or hold down jobs.
I know it sounds silly, but if I could stand up to people and be more confident, I’m sure I could do so much more with my life. Please help, as I think the time has come to tackle this once and for all.
SU
FIONA SAYS: It’s not silly, and by recognising your problem (and determining to do something about it) you have made an important first step towards overcoming it. There is no secret to feeling confident and self-assured – all it takes is self-awareness and practice.
Why don’t you find out about assertiveness or confidence-building workshops online or in your area, or look at counselling and other online resources? There are several ways you can do this, but I suggest you start by going to the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website (bacp.co.uk) and look up some articles for self-esteem. The articles in themselves may help, but you will also find details of counsellors who can work with you on building your confidence. Some may be local to you, but others may offer help via video calls, and you can choose which is best for you. As you’re determined to tackle this, I’m sure you will soon be on the road to success.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
