MY HUSBAND and I recently divorced. We were forced due to the pandemic to continue to live together while the divorce was going through, and it was hugely difficult. All three children have been left very upset by what happened.
My husband was violent and aggressive and the weeks leading up to when he eventually left were particularly stressful. Thankfully he’s now gone – but all the tension has left its mark and my young children (the eldest is 10) frequently have disturbed nights.
Although things are much better now for us all, quite often one or the other of them will wake up and crawl into bed with me. I don’t have a problem with this, but friends tell me it is wrong and not good for them. They say I should lock my door or something to stop them.
I think they have had enough upset in their lives lately, and I don’t really see any harm in it. My mother in particular thinks I should tell them this is something they can’t do any more. Am I right, or is everyone else right?
SA
FIONA SAYS: In principle, I think you’re right, but there are a few important points to bear in mind. When cuddling or sleeping with a child I think what needs to be considered first is whose needs are being met.
If your children are sleeping with you because you feel sad or lonely or upset, then that is not really healthy for a child of any age. It’s not a child’s job to comfort their parents. Further, if there comes a time when you feel uncomfortable cuddling your child in bed with you, then you should stop. Any discomfort you feel will quickly get communicated to the child and it could confuse them or upset them – especially if they’ve become use to a level of intimacy.
Bearing all that in mind, the very fact that your children are still having disturbed nights indicates things are still worrying them. I don’t think now would be the moment to start banning them from your room or putting a lock on the door.
As things settle down though, it’s not a bad idea to encourage them to be more independent. Before too long your 10-year-old will want to go on school trips or stay over at a friend’s house. If you don’t encourage a measure of independence, such events could become traumatic and make it difficult for your children to adapt to new situations.
Children will often get into bed with their parents when things they want or need aren’t being understood or dealt with during the day. Your husband’s aggression and subsequent departure must have been traumatic for them, but have you really talked about it all? Do spend time talking and listening to your children to give them a chance to talk about what is worrying them – do they blame themselves for their father’s departure, for example?
Another thing to consider is what you would do if you had a new partner in your life in the future. They might be uncomfortable sharing a bed with your children – let alone the inappropriateness of that happening. Allowing your children to share your bed could become a habit that’s hard to break – for you as well as for them.
You all need your rest though and you might actually sleep better if you get your bed to yourself, making you better able to cope with bringing up three children alone. If you could encourage your children to think of spending the night in their own beds as a positive thing to do, they might adapt quite naturally without any bans or locked doors.
MY PARTNER NO LONGER WANTS US TO MARRY – SHOULD I FIND SOMEONE ELSE?
ABOUT three years ago, I met a divorced man with two teenage children. He and his wife had only been separated about six months, but the relationship had been on the rocks for years. My own marriage had been over for a couple of years when we met, and I’d made a new life for myself.
We were very much in love, but his children refused to have anything to do with me. He wanted to marry me, but in the end he decided he would lose his children if he did, so we went our separate ways. To say I was heartbroken wouldn’t begin to cover it.
I started going out with other people after about six months but there was never the spark I had with him. Occasionally we’d bump into one another, but it was always the wrong time – either he was with someone, or I was.
Last November though, we bumped into one another again, and to cut a long story short, we got back together. It didn’t take long for me to realise I was still just as much in love with him as I had been before. What’s more, his children, now a little older, have met me and we all get along so well – we all spent Christmas together. So, what’s the problem? Well, when I asked him how he felt now about marrying me, he said he doesn’t think he wants to get married again. I was so shocked because he was the one that was so keen to marry before.
Now I’m confused and left wondering if we have a future together, or if I should leave him and find someone else.
CT
FIONA SAYS: I wonder if you have actually asked him why he has changed his mind about marriage? When you were with this man before, he had not long come out of a marriage and, at that time, marriage might have seemed like the normal progression of a relationship to him. Three years on, with many different experiences under his belt, it could be that time on his own has made him feel that going through a wedding again isn’t right for him. Many couples live together without getting married and it could be that he doesn’t feel the need for a legal contract with a partner. Or it might still have something to do with his children – possibly that he doesn’t want to take the risk of upsetting them again – or possibly it’s financial. You won’t know what his reasoning is unless you talk to him about it.
If marriage had never been under consideration between you, it might be quite hard to broach the subject, but it was so it shouldn’t be so hard to ask him why he has changed his mind. Unless he tells you how he feels, you won’t know what you want to do about it, and whether you still want to be with him. So, talk to him and don’t make any decisions until you understand his reasons.
You could also spend some time thinking why you want to be married – what does it actually mean to you? Is there a feeling of insecurity that you think a marriage will help you overcome? If that’s the case, I’d tackle that feeling right away because you know, from bitter experience, that marriage doesn’t glue people together for life. People stay together because they love, trust and respect one another, and you don’t need a wedding to prove that to each other.
STILL ANGRY WITH MY DAUGHTER FOR IGNORING ADVICE
WHEN my daughter moved out to live with her boyfriend four years ago, I tried everything to stop her. She was only 17 and there was something about him I just didn’t like. It turns out I was right, because he dumped her as soon as he found out she was pregnant.
She’s only now contacted us again and she’s a single mum with a three-year-old toddler. Only now has she contacted us saying she’s sorry and wants to see us. She thinks she can just walk back into our lives after hurting us so badly.
My husband has forgiven her, but I feel so angry and I’m not sure I can, even though I’d like to. She’s due to visit soon and I’ve told my husband I’m going out and leaving him to it.
HM
FIONA SAYS: Your daughter is presumably still only 21 or 22 – she’s very young still and she made a mistake. You have a grandchild that you could have a wonderful relationship with too, and a child who wants to be close to you once more. If ever there was a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face, this must be it.
I don’t know why she has taken so long to reconnect with you – perhaps because it has taken her this long to find the courage. Perhaps she knows how angry you are and has been afraid to face you. Perhaps she’s ashamed or embarrassed to have to admit that she made a mistake where her former partner is concerned. She’s not a child to punish for being naughty, she’s a young woman with responsibilities, who’s managed with a baby of her own for a few years.
In any case, she’s surely been punished enough having been dumped by the man she cared for and coping on her own with a young baby. Reject her and your grandchild now and you may never be able to heal the rift between you.
Talk to your husband or perhaps even a Relate (relate.org.uk) counsellor to help you get to the bottom of why you feel so angry, but I do hope you can find it in your heart to reconnect with your daughter.
If you go out and leave your husband to cope with a reunion on his own, you may find that both he and your daughter will find it hard to forgive you.
BREAK-IN HAS LEFT ME SO ANXIOUS
SINCE our house was broken into almost a year ago, I haven’t had managed to get a single full night’s sleep. Every creek or squeak; every time the freezer powers up; every twig hitting a window brings me fully awake and alert.
The break-in occurred whilst we were asleep in bed, so now I have nightmares of waking up and finding someone looking over me lying there. The police weren’t much help at the time, and they still haven’t caught anyone.
My husband understood my reactions at first but now he thinks I am paranoid. Perhaps I am, but I don’t know how to get over this.
MM
FIONA SAYS: Having your house broken into is deeply traumatic. It is your home (and everyone feels they have the right to be safe in their own home), and a burglary can bring up feelings of violation as well as deep insecurity – so you really are not alone in this. Such feelings can take a long time to go away – but a year is a long time to still be living with this level of anxiety and it sounds like you could benefit from having some help.
Contact Victim Support (victimsupport.org.uk) where you can get help in dealing with the emotional after-effects of what happened. There is an online form you can complete, but if you feel you need help urgently you can call their free 24-hour support line on 0808 1689 111.
It might be worth asking your local police station whether they have a crime prevention officer or at least know where you can find one to help make your home feel more secure. Having a burglar alarm fitted, for example, might help you to sleep more soundly.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
