EARLIER this year, my husband’s company unexpectedly asked him to step into a large project in the Middle East, as the existing manager had died. The current phase of the project had about 18 months still to run, but it was too good an opportunity to pass up, especially as the project will probably be extended after that. It offered a big bump in his salary too and would look good on his CV.
My husband was keen to accept the offer, but said it was up to me as he would be away for so long and we had only been married for just over two years at that point. In the end, I said that he should go. We needed the money, and I was really busy with my own work project that meant I was often away for short periods anyway. We agreed we would keep our heads down, work hard, and meet up whenever our jobs and cost allowed.
He’s been away for four months now. Things are going well for him, and the company likes what he is doing. The problem is I miss him so much and I know I’ve made a huge mistake. We video call each other regularly, but it’s just not the same. On top of that, I have realised that I do not like living on my own. In fact, being alone in the house, especially at night, scares me a lot.
It’s getting me down so much that I find any excuse to extend my business trips or just go out, rather than spend time in the house. I have always thought of myself as a self-reliant person and not being able to cope now is embarrassing. Should I just admit I can’t deal with this, leave everything behind here in the UK and go to be with him?
AR
FIONA SAYS: That’s one solution, but it is a bit drastic. Presumably you would have to leave your job and decide what to do with your house – sell or rent it out. It’s a decision that needs careful consideration, and you should perhaps start by trying to pin down the main reason you are so unhappy.
If it’s simply a question of being on your own, would you be happier if someone else shared the house with you? Perhaps a friend, a colleague or a lodger could provide the companionship you need. Alternatively, you could achieve the same thing by renting out the house while your husband is away and share a different place with someone.
If security is the issue, would it ease your fears if you were able to make your home more secure? The police have lots of useful information about this (www.police.uk). Alternatively, most home security companies will give a free home assessment along with their quote.
However, if the real problem is missing your husband, then that’s only going to be solved if you go to him or he comes home. Does he know that you are unhappy and struggling to cope on your own? If not, now would be the time to have that conversation. Only then can you decide what’s best for you both.
MY BOYFRIEND IS SO MESSY
I HAVE been living with my boyfriend for four months. We’ve known each other for a few years but only moved in together when my sister had to sell her house (where I had been living) and emigrate with her husband. I thought I knew him well, but it wasn’t until I moved in that I realised just how disorganised and untidy he is.
I’d been to his flat before and it had always seemed alright, and I suppose he tidied up before I visited. Since I have been living with him though, the place has become a dump. For example, he drops clothes where he takes them off. I’d expect this of a teenager, but he’s 27.
He avoids washing up like the plague and only does it if I push him, or the pile of dishes is overflowing the sink. He’s doesn’t vacuum, sweep or clean any of the floors unless badgered – and even when he does, he never puts things away afterwards. It’s as though he expects house elves to do everything. Well, this particular house elf has had enough of living in a pigsty.
I have tried to persuade him to do more but he just laughs it off, saying I’m obsessive about being tidy. How do I make him see that I am serious about this? I pay half the rent so feel I should have some say. I don’t want to break up over this, but it is making me increasingly angry.
PK
FIONA SAYS: I can understand why this might make you angry, especially as he’s clearly capable of tidying up, as you found when you visited before. So, what has changed? Hopefully, it’s not just that he expects you to do it. It’s more likely that this behaviour is his way of rebelling just a little against what he sees as your attempts to mess with his domain.
He was in sole control of this before you moved in, and he might just resent it when you try to make any changes or dictate how he should live in it. If so, he’s not really understood that sharing a living space (especially with someone who pays half the rent) requires a few compromises and a willingness to do a fair share of the household chores.
Rather than badger any more at this stage, I suggest you try to have a serious talk with him and explain just how upset this is making you. Acknowledge that while he paid all the rent, he could live as he chose – but now that you are contributing and you live together, it’s only fair that you have some input into how the place is run.
It should be possible to work out an agreement that keeps you both happy. Perhaps one compromise might be that you both agree to keep at least area tidy, while another can be left to his mayhem. If he can’t or won’t agree to even this, then perhaps you need to consider whether he is ready for a serious relationship and all that that entails.
YOUNG AND LOSING MY HAIR
I AM 22 and already losing my hair. It started about a year ago when my mates at the rugby club noticed a patch on the top of my head. I’m otherwise fit and healthy with no serious illnesses, so what’s causing this? And can it be stopped or reversed?
I don’t usually let what other people think get to me, but some ribbing at the club has left me feeling more a than a bit embarrassed by it.
DI
FIONA SAYS: For most men the reason for hair loss is androgenetic alopecia, a genetic condition more commonly called male pattern baldness (MPB). And for some, as you’ve found, it can start in their 20s – which is perhaps more common than some people think.
If it is MPB, there really isn’t much you can do to stop it, although there are certain treatments available, including medications and laser therapy. Not all of these are available on the NHS however and results vary. There is always the possibility of hair transplant surgery, but this is expensive and it can be hard to know when to do it.
Some other medical conditions can trigger hair loss too, so it’s probably best to discuss all your concerns with a doctor anyway, just to rule these out, so check in with your GP. They may be able to chat through any suitable treatment options too.
HOW CAN I HELP MY GRIEVING SON AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW?
MY son lost his three-month-old daughter a few weeks back. He and his wife are devastated, as am I, especially as the doctors seem unable to say what caused it other than cot death. I have been staying with them and doing what I can to help, but cleaning, cooking and an occasional shoulder to cry on just doesn’t seem enough.
They have both taken time off work to grieve, but all I can see is that they are slowly falling apart. I wish I could do more but nothing seems to help, so what more can I do?
HC
FIONA SAYS: I am so sorry. Around 200 children a year die in the UK from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), sometimes called cot-death. This, thankfully, makes it rare – but no less devastating for those families affected. The cause is largely unknown, which explains the doctors’ inability to be more specific.
I know you want to do more, but please don’t underestimate what you are already doing. Practical and emotional support like this will mean so much right now, and help them to slowly come to terms with what has happened.
When you feel they might be ready for the outside world, perhaps tell them about the Lullaby Trust (lullabytrust.org.uk). The trust operates a helpline, an online chat counselling service as well as a befriending service for anyone affected by the sudden or unexpected death of a baby or young child. You might also find it helpful yourself.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
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08:59 - 8 Nov 2022
A generic stock photo of a woman on a video call. See PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona. Picture credit should read: Alamy/PA. WARNING: This picture must only be used to accompany PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona.
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A generic stock photo of a woman on a video call. See PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona. Picture credit should read: Alamy/PA. WARNING: This picture must only be used to accompany PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona.
08:59 - 8 Nov 2022
A generic stock photo of a woman on a video call. See PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona. Picture credit should read: Alamy/PA. WARNING: This picture must only be used to accompany PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona.
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A generic stock photo of a woman on a video call. See PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona. Picture credit should read: Alamy/PA. WARNING: This picture must only be used to accompany PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona.
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A generic stock photo of a couple arguing about housework. See PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona. Picture credit should read: Alamy/PA. WARNING: This picture must only be used to accompany PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona.
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A generic stock photo of a couple arguing about housework. See PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona. Picture credit should read: Alamy/PA. WARNING: This picture must only be used to accompany PA Feature ADVICE Ask Fiona.
