May is the month of the Irish summer, the month of sunshine and exams. The endgame is getting real and the heat is on.
In my family, we have someone doing every exam conceivable this month and next, from GCSEs to university finals. It feels strange to be on the sidelines observing the study timetables being made, the breaks, the early morning rush to the library in town to secure a seat, and for a change of scenery.
So much of it is very familiar, so much feels very different. I can never measure how I can help them, just how much responsibility, if any, I should be feeling to keep the pressure on to help them get over that line and make sure that they do their best – that’s all anyone can do in any situation.
I can spot procrastination a mile off, simply because I could have won awards for this particular skill. While studying for my A-levels, I got into Formula One, which took up the whole day most Sundays, went for walks with my best friend, watched and re-watched Pride and Prejudice which I had videoed – the 1996 equivalent of streaming. I nearly broke the video, from watching it so much. Mr Darcy indeed... To this day, I love Jennifer Ehle’s take on the character of Elizabeth Bennett.
Knowing that I avoided study in all these ways makes me feel like such a hypocrite when it comes to my role on the sidelines.
I would have spent days locked in my room getting very little done, but made a study plan for the next day and let the work pile up, and then sometimes got overwhelmed by the amount of work I thought that I had to do. I detested prolonged periods of intense study because I was completely overwhelmed by what I had to do and worried myself sick about what might happen if I didn’t get good grades. Looking back, I got it wrong.
I spoke to career psychologist Sinéad Brady about her book Total Reset on my radio show this week. In the book Sinéad talks about the importance of separating our identity as a person from our work and she explores why we tend to prioritise work over everything else in our lives. Attitudes to work are changing hugely, and perhaps the most beneficial ways to study has too.
Sinéad talked about something called ‘toxic overwhelm’ where it has become almost natural to be overwhelmed, but it is not. Work intensification – the notion of always being on and available – is very dangerous and is leading to extraordinary levels of burn out and mental health problems in the workplace.
Sinéad says that the system is broken and we need to stop putting pressure on ourselves to fit into the system. Non-negotiables should be time to refresh, time to eat, sleep, to move and spending time with people who make you smile. We should all prioritise these things in general, but particularly when we are under pressure.
It is for this reason that I try to bite my tongue if one of the teenagers goes a full day without studying. Is it the worst thing in the world? It’s always hard to know whether they are doing enough to get them to where they want to be but, at the end of the day, I suppose it is up to them. We can’t do the study or sit the exams for them.
They may or may not have developed coping mechanisms to help them through the next few weeks. It will be an intense time, and a steep learning curve for all of us. These transitional years are amongst the most exciting in life. It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey, and the freedom that lies ahead as they become more independent.
While the older children are in their final years of education, on the other side of the spectrum, the threenager will soon be heading to nursery, or ‘big school’ as she likes to call it. I felt unexpected relief when her nursery place was confirmed last week.
From three to 24, they are all making transitions, all learning and growing emotionally. We just have to cheer them on and get comfortable on that sideline.
