IS MUM RUSHING INTO NEW RELATIONSHIP AFTER DAD’S DEATH?
My father’s unexpected death really knocked my mother sideways. He was only 58 and they’d just started to talk about all the exciting things they were going to do once he’d retired. She was devastated so we agreed that she would move in with me and my wife. Sadly, this didn’t stop her from having a complete breakdown and she went into her shell for almost three years.
It took a lot of encouragement from my sister and I, as well as a lot of bereavement counselling to finally get her out and about again. About three months ago she started contacting old friends and joined a few social groups.
She seemed genuinely happy and we were relieved that she’d finally found a way to move forward with her life. Then about a month ago, she started going out every day and coming in late at night.
At first, I thought it was just that she was just busy with friends. However, when she started staying out overnight, I became worried, especially when she avoided answering any questions about what she’d been doing. We hardly ever saw her for a few weeks and that hurt, after all we’d done. Then, last week, she finally admitted that she had been seeing someone and that she’s fallen for him completely. He’s an old friend of my parents who separated from his wife last year. Now that it’s out in the open, she’s also said that she’s thinking of moving in with him
I am worried that she’s not fully over Dad’s death and is rushing into this relationship far too quickly. I don’t know what I can do to slow her down and just wish she’d be a bit more cautious. I really don’t want to see her hurt again so soon after losing dad.
J. B.
FIONA SAYS: THIS DOESN’T MEAN SHE’S REJECTING YOU ALL
You and your sister have done a wonderful job in helping your mother come to terms with the death of your father. It’s good that she is once again interacting with the outside world. People come to terms with the death of a loved one in different ways and on different timescales. Your mother has not rushed her grieving journey so, if she feels able to get out and mix with people, it’s the right time for her. If she feels that this should also include starting a new relationship, I think you need to trust her judgement. After all, this is hardly a stranger she has chosen, he’s a family friend.
Even if this develops into something more serious, she will likely never forget your father. A sense of loss may stay with her forever, so please don’t feel that by doing this now she is somehow rejecting you or him. Nor that she is ungrateful for what you and your sister have done – I am sure that’s not the case.
I suspect it’s more to do with the fact that she’s completely wrapped up in this exciting, new relationship and wants to spend as much time with him as possible. She’s likely rediscovering feelings that she probably thought she’d never have again, and it’s making her happy. Cast your mind back to how you felt when you first met your wife; can you recall how intense the feelings were; did you have a lot of time for other, usually important things in your life? I suspect not.
Let your mother know that you are there for her, then step back and give her the space to enjoy this new lease of life. Once this initial intense phase is over, I am sure she’ll soon reconnect.
I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH MY IN-LAWS
I have been engaged for four years and have been saving hard to afford somewhere for us to live once we’re married. The wedding is due to take place early next year and I thought my fiancé had also been saving, but was shocked to learn recently that he’s not saved a penny! Instead, he’s been paying half of the monthly payment on his parent’s outstanding mortgage on their house.
When I asked why, he said it seemed the fair thing to do, as we are going to be living with them anyway after our marriage. This floored me completely because it’s the last thing I want to do. Since leaving university, I have been living with my father in our family home and, although I am 29, he still treats me like a 14-year-old. He has all sorts of infantile house rules that I have to comply with, but what grates the most is having to be home by 10.30 every night.
I’m desperate to move but now I know that when I move to my in-law’s house, it’s going to be more of the same. I’ve been dreaming of having a space of our own, but there’s no way we can afford to do this on my savings alone. And even if I could persuade my fiancé to start saving and not pay their mortgage, it’s going to be years before we save enough. I feel he’s really let me down and I’m so angry, but what do I do?
C. W.
FIONA SAYS: THERE’S A SERIOUS LACK OF COMMUNICATION HERE
There is a real problem in this relationship, and it’s not where you are going to live. That is an important issue for sure – but far more significant is why the two of you are not talking with each other about these important issues. Communication is a fundamental part of any relationship and, if you can’t talk with each other about important issues now, what chance is there that you’ll do it once married?
Your fiancé has certainly let you down. Not only did he not tell you that he was paying his parents’ mortgage, and why, he also neglected to let you know that it was the plan that you’re going to be living with them. But this lack of communication goes both ways. If it’s so important to you, why didn’t you tell him that you wanted a place of your own? You need to talk together about these issues now and make some decisions.
Given that you’re desperate to move out of your family home, are you prepared to live in his parents’ house, at least in the short term? If you do move there, is he prepared to work with you to save towards getting your own place? And if yes, can you agree to each set aside a sum each month? Or is he not interested in moving at all and would prefer to go on contributing to his parents’ mortgage?
If you can’t find some sort of agreement here, I think it would be prudent to perhaps think about putting the marriage on hold until you can. And if you’re still unable to agree after this, perhaps you need to examine whether this relationship is right for you.
MY LIFE IS A MESS – WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
Please help, my life is a complete mess. When I left school, I had good exam results and quickly landed a job in a big fashion store. For whatever reason, it wasn’t long before I started acting out, being rude to customers and wearing inappropriate clothes. I also got a couple of badly placed tattoos, one of which is just badly done and the other in definite bad taste, the result of too much vodka one night. Unsurprisingly, they sacked me.
Since then, I have struggled to find regular work – but did find time to get married twice, and subsequently divorced on both occasions. Both men were totally wrong for me and the only good thing to come of it was that there’s no children. My mother is on at me all the time to sort myself out, and while I know she’s probably right, I just can’t seem to get it together; something in me just mucks it up every time.
I’m only 29 and should be positive about my life, but I’m not, I feel like giving up. I’m miserable, broke, hopeless and regret every bad decision I’ve ever made. What’s wrong with me?
M.W.
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FIONA SAYS: PLEASE SEEK SUPPORT – THINGS WILL GET BETTER
There’s far too little information here for me to answer that in any meaningful way, but please don’t give up. You’ve certainly packed a lot into a few short years, and I think the only way you’re going to be able to make sense of it all is to find a professional that you feel comfortable talking to. Please start by seeing your GP, who can prescribe treatments for depression if appropriate and refer you to the NHS counselling service.
This service is free but waiting times can sometimes be long, so while you wait please explore other sources of help online. Mind (mind.org.uk) has a database called Local Minds that you can search for access to local mental health support. You might also like to try CALM (thecalmzone.net), which operates a free helpline and web chat service. It was initially set up to help young men but extended its remit to help everyone a few years ago. Its aim is suicide prevention, but it tries to do this by helping anyone who is struggling or depressed.
Finally, please don’t reject help from your family, I am sure your mother would welcome the chance to help you.
FEEL SO LET DOWN BY DOCTOR
After two phone calls and waiting over a week, I finally got to see my GP yesterday about pains and severe cramps I have been getting in my legs. I then had to wait while five minutes of appointment disappeared while he dealt with someone else’s problem over the phone. When he did finally talk to me, it was as though I was wasting his time.
All he suggested was do more exercise and drink more water. I was so shocked and angry that I just got up and left. Since then, I have just got angrier and my pains have got worse, especially at night. What give him the right to ignore my problems and dismiss me like this?
S.B.
FIONA SAYS: PLEASE DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
I’m certain he never meant you to leave feeling as though you were ignored or dismissed. GPs, along with most NHS services, are over-stretched and struggling to cope with a huge backlog of care, and short appointment times often don’t help. It’s demanding, stressful work, and how they remain even-tempered most of the time is a mystery to me.
Please make another appointment, and this time don’t leave the surgery until you feel you’ve had all your questions answered and you’re happy with whatever is suggested. If you’re still unhappy though, remember you can ask to see a different doctor.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
