HUSBAND TREATS ME SO BADLY – BUT WHAT CAN I DO?
For as long as I can remember, my husband has run me down. He makes me do all the cooking and cleaning and then often shouts at me for doing something wrong. What’s worse, he then tells other people and complains about me being stupid. He always has to get his own way any time we disagree about anything, which isn’t often, because I know he won’t listen to me anyway.
Sex between us used to be fun, but now it’s a chore. It’s always on his terms and when he wants it, he doesn’t care if I am not in the mood or upset. He doesn’t even care if I am feeling unwell. For example, last week I’d had a mammogram done and, as usual, it really hurt. I came back clearly upset and in pain and he insisted that we have sex.
Whenever I visit my daughter, I tell her most of what’s going on and she’s been pushing me for years to leave him. She knows exactly what he’s like and got a place of her own as soon as she could after university.
Part of me knows I should leave, but I am afraid. Where would I go? What would I do? I can’t get access to the computer because he’s password protected it, and he even checks the calls on my mobile to see who I have been talking to. He’s not the sort to just let me go either, I am sure he would try to force me back.
He’s never hit me or anything in our 25 years of marriage, so perhaps I should count myself lucky and put up with it.
Anon
FIONA SAYS: YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER
Please don’t put up with it. He may not ever have hit you, but what he’s doing is still abuse, plain and simple. Psychological abuse can be every bit as damaging to your health and wellbeing as any physical harm. Your husband is controlling every aspect of your life, and his coercive sexual behaviour towards you is just another way that he is enforcing this domination.
Your daughter is right to encourage you to leave this bully, but I can understand why you might feel uncertain about this. Over the years, he has undermined your confidence, which has probably left you afraid of change, but please don’t lose hope.
You CAN change your life for the better, and the first step is to contact Refuge (refuge.org.uk). This national charity provides support, advice, and temporary access to safe refuges around the country if needed. It’s primarily for women and children escaping domestic abuse but it also supports men.
There’s number of ways you can contact them, the National Domestic Violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 is available 24 hours a day and the website also has a live chat option.
As your husband restricts access to technology, you may want to do this through your daughter. She can probably also show you how use Refuge’s tool for locking your phone, so that he can no longer monitor your calls.
Please don’t blame yourself or feel guilty, your husband has brought this on himself. You have a right to be respected, not treated like a domestic or sexual slave.
HE SAID HE’D LEAVE HIS WIFE BUT NOW BLAMES ME FOR AFFAIR
After a messy split with a long-term boyfriend three years ago, I fell into an affair with a married man. It was probably far too soon, but he was kind and supported me at a time when I was feeling terrible. We saw each other regularly and I always believed him when he said his marriage was not happy, and that he was planning to leave him wife.
I was basically prepared to wait too – until he emailed me last month to say he had confessed to wife about what had been going on. He also said he was going to work on his marriage, so our affair was over.
It was big shock and I have been upset ever since, not helped by the nasty phone calls and emails I have had from his wife, telling me I am terrible person and that it’s all my fault. She’s been really rude and abusive, but what’s really hurt is that she’s said things about me that were said to her husband in confidence.
She’s used these to say some terrible things to me and lay all the blame on me, when the fact is, it was her husband who pushed for the affair. I’ve now stopped taking her calls and changed my email address, but it’s left me reeling, and the more I think about it, the angrier I’ve got.
Why should I be the only person to feel like this? Should I go back and tell her exactly what her husband did?
S. K.
FIONA SAYS: FOCUS ON MOVING ON
What would that achieve? The affair is over – all this will do is likely drag out the separation, and do you honestly want to do that? Do you think it will bring him back? What’s more, do you really want anything more to do with a man who can betray your confidences, and lie to two women at the same time?
This is an unfortunate story and I get many letters from people in the same position as you, and I can assure you that you are not the only one suffering. This man’s wife is likely angry and upset, which probably explains her need to lash out at you. I am also sure that she’s feeling betrayed and may well still be very angry with her husband, so I suspect that he too is probably not getting out of this sad situation unscathed.
She needs to find someone to blame though, and as it seems they are working to repair their marriage, it’s easier to lay the blame at your door rather than his.
I feel your best course of action now is to leave them to it. Put this affair behind you, put it down to a temporary lack of good judgement and get on with your life. Yes, you can be angry both with this man, his wife, and perhaps with yourself as well, as you were deceived by someone you cared about.
You need to move forward now, and try to find a new kind of life for yourself. Most importantly though, just do what you can to make sure you don’t repeat the same mistake.
WORRIED MY SON SPENDS SO MUCH TIME ALONE
My 10-year-old son is due to start secondary school next year, and I am worried about him coping with it. He’s never been that keen to mix with other children, he just seems to prefer his own company. We’ve signed him up for various clubs and groups in the past, but inevitably he drops out after a few sessions.
When he was younger, he would sometimes have friends around after school or at weekends. But over time they just stopped coming, and now he spends any free time he has reading or messing around in the garden. When I see other children playing together, it makes me feel that I have failed him somehow.
My mother thinks it’s just a phase and he’ll grow out of it, but should I be worried? And should I push him to join in more?
A. G.
FIONA SAYS: SUPPORT HIM TO GO AT HIS OWN PACE
Your concern is natural. Everyone wants their children to be popular and fit in. However, unless your son is obviously unhappy, I think it would be a mistake to attempt to force him to do things with which he is currently uncomfortable. Not all children are naturally outgoing, and if your son is happy as he is, I’d be inclined to just let him continue like this at his own pace, at least for now.
If you’d seen a more dramatic change in his behaviour, such as switching from outgoing to introverted in a short space of time, this might have indicated he was being bullied perhaps. I get the impression, however, that he’s just a quiet lad, content with his own company.
If you’re still concerned though, I suggest you contact his school and see how he’s getting along there, and whether they have any concerns about his move to secondary school next year. If they don’t, I’d avoid making a big issue out of it.
The last thing he probably needs right now is anybody singling him out as having a problem. A new school will bring new people, new experiences, and perhaps in that situation he will find his ‘tribe’.
AM I TOO OLD TO RETRAIN?
I’m 52 and bored to death with my job. It’s gone nowhere in the past 10 years, and I feel like I am trapped here because I have no great qualifications. All I’m really hanging on for is the pension, and that’s at least 15 years away.
My partner says it’s never too late to change and that plenty of people learn new skills well into their 60s and 70s. What’s the point, though? Nothing will come from it, as nobody hires people in their 50s these days. It’s getting me down and I don’t know what to do for the best.
S. W.
FIONA SAYS: GIVE CHANGE A CHANCE
Your partner is right. If you anticipate getting nothing from life, that’s exactly what you’ll get. I know it can be hard to break out of a cycle of negative thoughts, but you CAN do this.
I also accept that job prospects for the over 50s are not as rosy as those for people in their 20s and 30s, but is that any reason not to try?
Please do consider some form of training or further education. It doesn’t necessarily have to be aimed at any specific career or job; most employers look favourably on anyone undertaking any type of further training.
You could also explore how you might make working for your current employer more fulfilling for you. Have a chat with your boss or HR department about the opportunities for advancement, and what sort of training they might require for these roles. They may even be prepared to pay for it.
Throughout this, try to stay enthusiastic, and you may find that age is not the unbreakable barrier you think it is. Some employers value maturity and experience.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.