WILL HE EVER LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR ME?
I have been seeing a married man for the past two years. I never meant to fall in love with someone else’s husband, it just happened. We met when I was going through a tough time at work, and he was very supportive. We meet up whenever we can, but it’s never easy, and never long enough. I have stayed with the relationship though, because he says he loves me and that he will leave his wife when his daughter, who is currently three, is old enough to understand what is going on.
He’s also said that he doesn’t love his wife and that they only got married when she fell pregnant. He’s still angry about it, because she’d told him that she was taking the pill, and they still have arguments about it apparently. Anyway, although our time together is great, as I said, there’s never enough time and this is getting me down.
Last week, I only saw him once and that was only a snatched cup of coffee and a cuddle – I can’t go on like this. I’ve avoided putting too much pressure on him because I can see how difficult this must be for him too. Nor do I don’t want to deliberately hurt his wife or his daughter. However, how long have I got to wait? Do you think he will ever leave them?
B. L.
FIONA SAYS: PROBABLY NOT, I’M AFRAID
I sympathise with your position, but I think these are questions you really need to be directing at this man. Just how old does his daughter have to be before he decides it’s the right time to go? Even if he is telling the truth about his marriage, which I’m afraid I doubt, he’s asking an awful lot of you to simply wait for an open-ended period while he makes up his mind. Nor does his argument about choosing the right time for his daughter make sense. If his marriage is as dead, loveless and ill-tempered as he says, that’s hardly an ideal or healthy environment to raise a child. If that is truly the case, it would surely be better for them to split.
I am not suggesting for one moment that you try to force his marriage apart – I don’t think you could anyway. I am also not convinced that you are getting the full story about the state of his marriage, and I think a part of you already knows this – else why ask me if he will ever leave her? I see nothing here that suggests a man about to leave his family, and if he could be honest about that, perhaps you might be prepared to give him more time.
However, I must warn you that married men rarely, if ever, walk away from a marriage when young children are involved, so this could be for quite a long time. So I fear this might not have the happy ending you are hoping for.
Could you really cope with just a snatched cuddle here and there, or an occasional cup of coffee together? From what you’ve said, I don’t think so. Perhaps now is the time for you to think about cutting your losses with this man and moving on. It will no doubt hurt, but this can’t be any worse than putting up with the pain, frustration and uncertainty that you’ve got now.
SHOULD I TELL BROTHER-IN-LAW TO LEAVE MY BOSSY SISTER?
My sister has always been bossy, and to this day needs to have control of who or what is around her. Growing up with her, I learned pretty quickly to stand my ground, but I am really worried about her new husband. They only got married last year and he already looks like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders.
He’s normally a quiet man, who keeps himself to himself most of the time. Whenever I see them together, it’s no surprise that he hardly says anything, and she does all the talking. And on those rare occasions when he does try to say something, she usually cuts across him. She makes all the decision about what they do and seems to enjoy putting him down too, especially when she’s had a drink a two.
A few weeks back, she embarrassed him and everyone else at a party by telling them about his favourite sex position and how quickly he usually finishes. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but he just shrugged it off saying that’s just how she is. However, several people have spoken to me since about how embarrassing it was. I think it’s just hurtful and unfair.
He may not mind it, but that’s only because he probably doesn’t understand that other people are probably laughing behind his back. Why should he have to put up with this? I feel really sorry for him and my sister’s only getting worse. Should I encourage him to leave her?
J. G.
FIONA SAYS: WHY NOT HAVE A QUIET WORD WITH YOUR SISTER?
Your concern for your brother-in-law does you credit, but it’s rarely a good idea to interfere in someone else’s marriage. Nobody on the outside can really know what goes on behind the scenes in a marriage. While it may seem to some that your brother-in-law is put upon by your sister, it’s possible that he is perfectly happy for her to play this dominant role. Even if he’s not, if you try to force them apart, your sister will likely not take this well.
When you have an opportune moment, however, you could suggest to her that she may have gone too far at the party. You could point out that some people were embarrassed about her sexually explicit confessions about her love life. It was likely the result of too much alcohol, and she may or may not take it onboard, but it might spare your brother-in-law another outburst like this.
Finally, please be certain about your own motives for wanting to help him. If you are genuinely just worried about him, that’s fine. However, if your concern is coming from some part of you that is thinking about a relationship with him once he leaves your sister, please be very careful. If you do have feelings for him, I suggest you do all you can to distance yourself from them immediately.
Confronting your sister over her bullying ways and inappropriate behaviour at parties is one thing. Trying to wreck her marriage because you’ve got eyes on her husband is something else entirely different. It could cause serious rows between you, perhaps to the extent that your sister never speaks to you again, so be careful.
HAVE I REALLY WON A FORTUNE OR IS IT A SCAM?
Over the past week, I have had several emails telling me that I have won $5.1 million in a large international lottery, one that selects randomly from the electoral list. Before they will release the money though they need me to prove my identity and want me to provide a copy of my passport or driving licence. They also want me to use the link in the email to provide my bank details so that they can pay the money directly into my account.
It all looks authentic, though I can’t actually remember giving my permission for them to enter my name in a lottery. Part of me thinks this might be a trick, but at the same time, I am in a bit of debt and this could really help. Should I contact them?
G. M.
FIONA SAYS: BE VERY CAREFUL
You’re right to be suspicious – this email is almost certainly a phishing scam. Please do not reply to it, as this will just encourage the scammers to send more messages. Also please don’t click any links in the email or open any attachments.
Scams like this are designed to get you to reveal personal and banking information, so if you’ve already made contact, please don’t give them these details. Break off contact immediately and report this incident to Action Fraud (actionfraud.police.uk).
If for any reason you’ve already given them some banking information, contact your bank immediately. Lottery scams are not the answer to your debt problems, but the National Debtline (nationaldebtline.org) probably is. Please contact them.
COULD THIS DIAGNOSIS BE WRONG?
Over the past year, I’ve had some persistent and at times severe pain in my shoulder and hip. After a lot of prodding from my partner, I eventually saw my GP who, following a blood test, told me that I have arthritis. I am shocked and upset about this, especially as I am only 39.
I haven’t done any of the exercises and things he suggested, just hoping I guess that it will simply clear up, but it hasn’t. Could my GP be wrong?
L. W.
FIONA SAYS: SUPPORT IS OUT THERE
It’s possible, but as your GP took a blood test, it sounds unlikely. If you still have doubts, arrange to get second opinion with a different GP or ask to be referred to a specialist. Unfortunately, arthritis is not just a disease of the elderly as it has many variations, some of which affect young people – even very young children.
Coming to terms with a chronic illness is difficult at any age and, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by it all, please consider contacting Versus Arthritis (versusarthritis.org). This charity provides information and support through a phone helpline, an online chat service, and a searchable database of local support groups.
There is a lot you can do to help yourself to manage the pain and symptoms too, so please do take on board what your doctor has suggested and give the exercises a chance to help you.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.