SHOULD I TALK TO SCHOOL ABOUT DAUGHTER’S BULLIES?
My 15-year-old daughter was born with a deformed right hip, which means she has never been able to walk properly. She had quite a few operations when she was younger and, in many ways, this toughened her up. Which was no bad thing because it seemed to give her the strength to cope well with school life so far.
However, over the past couple of months she’s become more and more reluctant to go to school. When I eventually got to her to talk about it, she burst into tears and confessed that a small group of pupils at the school have been getting at her a lot.
They mostly make fun of the way she walks and tease her for not doing sports. She says nothing physical has happened, it’s only name-calling so far and the occasional unkind text message. But it’s enough to make her very unhappy.
I want to contact the school and get this stopped, but she doesn’t want me to make a fuss. She thinks it will only make matters worse and, besides, she thinks she can cope with it. However, I am worried about her and can’t just let this slide. Should I speak to the school anyway?
M. T.
FIONA SAYS: SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS
I am sorry your daughter is going through this. She may be tough in many ways, but I am not sure that she is coping with this as well as she thinks. As you say, she is trying to avoid school, and is upset when talking about it, which is completely understandable.
Bullying is a complex issue and schools usually have policies and procedures in place to deal with it. However, like many institutions these days, they may not always have the resources to see these through. I do think you should speak to the school about this – but not behind your daughter’s back as she might resent it, and the last thing she needs right now is yet more isolation and upset.
Try to get her to understand that, while she may be able to tough it out, other vulnerable pupils at the school may not. Children can be remarkably cruel sometimes, especially when they form cliques and, as a group, exploit what they think is a weakness in others. And chances are they are doing it to more than just one unfortunate pupil.
I can understand why she might not want to draw attention to herself. However, she needs to understand that unless bullying behaviour is challenged, it will simply continue.
Please encourage her to learn a bit more about bullying and what can be done to resolve it. To this end, she (and you) might find it helpful to visit the National Bullying Helpline (nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk). It aimed at parents primarily, but your daughter is old enough to understand the information and support available.
In the meantime, encourage her to keep a private diary (handwritten rather than digital) of any bullying that takes place as this will be useful in substantiating her claims. With a digital diary, there is a risk it could get into social media somehow, hence this is best avoided.
Finally, emphasise that she does not have to deal with this alone, you’ll support her every step of the way. And if she ever feels overwhelmed by it all, and you’re not around, suggest she contact Childline for a supportive chat (0800 1111).
MY FIANCE ISN’T GOOD WITH MONEY
I love my fiancé to bits but she’s hopeless with money. We are due to get married next year and I have been saving like mad to cover this, plus the rent on our flat, and put aside a bit more so that we can buy a flat together eventually.
She, on the other hand, hasn’t saved a penny. She earns just as much as I do, but it hardly hits her bank account before vanishing in her usual monthly shopping spree. To her credit, she’s really generous with her friends, typically paying for more than her fair share of drinks and food whenever our usual group of gay friends get together.
It’s one of the things I’ve grown to love about her in the five years we’ve been together. However, at some point, she must realise that this can’t go on. I’ve had to bail her out regularly, usually when she’s maxed out one or other of her credit cards. She never seems to realise that all this does is further delay the time when we can get our own place. I have tried so many times to get her to change her ways, but she can’t, saying: “I’s how I’m wired.”
When we get married, I just know that I’ll be the one who has to organise the household budget and pay bills. No doubt it will make me seem like a killjoy, and I will hate that, but someone has to do it. Is there any way I could get her to change?
A. S.
FIONA SAYS: HAVE A PROPER TALK
Her generosity does indeed seem hard-wired, so I suspect it will not be easy to change. That said, it is very unfair that you alone are paying for the upcoming wedding, rent, AND saving towards buying a property. Have you previously pointed this out to her? Have you asked her to contribute to these things? If not, I think you should have a proper sit-down conversation about this.
A partnership should involve both the two people involved making an input into a relationship. Just now, yours is very one-sided financially, she’s effectively free-loading and that’s not ideal.
I see more relationships break down over money problems and disagreements than just about anything else. If you want to avoid this, I think it’s important that you set some ground rules now about how you intend to pay for things in future. More immediately, I think she should also be making some sort of contribution to the rent on the flat you share.
Offer to help her create a budget (something I suspect she’s never done before) and perhaps set up an account for her to save into, ideally one that cannot be accessed easily. It’s likely you’ll get some push back when she’s faced with the need to start paying her fair share of your joint expenses. And if she carries on much as before, you may need to resort to stronger tactics, like refusing to bail her out when she next runs out of money.
There’s no need to be unpleasant about it, just say that you genuinely don’t have any free cash, or that it’s all earmarked for your wedding and household bills. Perhaps a spell without cash might make her realise just how important this is.
Finally, please don’t fret about being the holder of the purse strings. Within any partnership, people will take on those roles that they are best suited to. Your fiancé may be the love of your life and a generous friend to others, but I suspect she’s never going to be a prudent housekeeper!
SHALL I ASK MY DRIVING INSTRUCTOR OUT?
I got on really well with my driving instructor, and I am sure that this is one of the reasons why I got through my test first time. That and the fact that he was such a patient teacher.
Now that my lessons have finished, I realise that I miss him a lot. From our chats while driving, I got the sense that he’s not with anyone, and he’s certainly not married. He was always very friendly, which suggest that he was at least a little bit interested in me? Do you think he might go out with me?
M. V.
FIONA SAYS: IF HE’S SINGLE – WHY NOT?
No idea, and you won’t know either unless you ask him. Please don’t build up your hopes too high though. Just because he was friendly does not automatically mean that he was interested in you romantically. What’s more, you’ve only ever seen him while you’ve been a customer, during which times he’s been in this friendly, professional mode. There’s no guarantee he’ll be like this at other times.
All of that said, if he really is unattached, I see no harm in exploring the possibility of dating. I suggest you ask if you could take him out for a meal or a drink to celebrate passing your test. If he responds positively, you know there is a chance, but if not, put the experience behind you and move on.
HOW CAN I STOP MY TEENAGER GOING TRAVELLING?
My daughter was due to start university earlier this month, but at the last minute opted instead to have a gap year and go travelling. Her uni will keep the place open for her for next year, and she’s dead set on getting away as soon as possible.
It’s a big shock and I am already worried sick about it, even though she hasn’t even gone yet. She’s only 18 and has never done much international travelling before, but she’s still talking about long trips around Africa or India.
She’s saved up quite a bit while working over the summer, so I can’t even use the fact that it will be expensive to persuade her not to go. What can I do to stop her?
I. B.
FIONA SAYS: HELP HER DO SOME RESEARCH
I sympathise, but at 18, she’s an adult and there’s nothing you can do to stop her from going if she’s determined to do it. If you continue to put pressure on her, she may start to resent it, so instead encourage her to research gap year travel and how to do it safely.
The internet has many paid-for services offering to create gap year itineraries, but there’s also a few free information sites, one of the best that I could find is the Gap Year Hub (thegapyearhub.com). While she’s doing that, encourage her to also explore ways that she could add some measure of organisation and structure into her adventure.
Many companies and charities looking for volunteers run gap year projects, where she could be around like-minded people, something that should give you a bit more peace of mind. Gap year travel is something of a rite of passage for many young people, and while problems no doubt do occur, many of these can be avoided with a bit of research and pre-planning.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.