AM I LOSING MY HEARING?
I’ve had tinnitus for years. For the most part, it’s not been a problem, just a high-pitched buzz that seemed worse at night, probably because I was being quiet as I tried to get to ready for bed. I could usually get to sleep ok – it was annoying sometimes but didn’t worry me. I just accepted that, for me, it was a normal thing.
Over the past few months though, it’s got much worse. Whereas before it was just on one pitch, now it jumps all over the place like an electronic wail. Sometimes it’s like a low whistle, at other times a high pitch buzz. It’s become impossible to sleep properly and I am getting more and more tired and irritable.
I had a phone consultation with my GP, who basically said that this kind of change in tinnitus probably meant I am going deaf and referred me to an Ear Nose and Throat consultant. She had no idea how long I am going to have to wait for that appointment though – and in the meantime, I am a mess.
I can’t concentrate on anything, and I am struggling at work. My boss knows about it and has been understanding but she still expects me to meet my obligations. My husband hasn’t been much help either. He even said on one occasion that I am making a fuss about nothing and I should ‘just chill’. He got an angry backlash from me for that comment, but I am still so upset. What can I do?
I. B.
FIONA SAYS: FIND WAYS TO DE-STRESS
Your husband’s comment was insensitive, and he probably deserved what he got. However, he might just have half a point about the tinnitus! The exact cause of tinnitus is unknown, but there does seem to be an association with stress and anxiety. So, if you could find ways to help you relax, it may be beneficial – and would help you cope with the worry until your referral comes through.
Other possible factors are Ménière’s disease, certain medical conditions like diabetes, certain medications, depression, and of course some form of hearing loss. That’s probably why your GP has referred you to an ENT consultant.
Please note however, these are just associations – there’s no evidence that they are definitely the cause of tinnitus.
Unfortunately, there’s no known cure for it and it has an annoying habit of just coming and going for no apparent reason, as I know all to well having lived with it myself for several years. However, there are things you can do to help you cope better. The first of these must be to improve your sleep, as this is critical to health in so many ways. There’s plenty of material on the internet about establishing a good sleep routine.
I suggest you also start with Tinnitus UK (tinnitus.org.uk), which has a very useful section on tinnitus and sleep disturbance. It also has a support team you can access through web chat, email or a phone helpline. You’ll also find a good section on stress, which is the second area I think you need to consider.
Lack of sleep and stress feed off each other. When you can’t sleep, you are going to be stressed and the longer it goes on the more stressed out you become and the less sleep you get. It’s a vicious circle, so please consider adding some routines to your day that help reduce stress levels. You could try yoga, meditation or perhaps just a gentle walk – anything that helps you to relax more. Finally, if you husband wants to avoid another angry backlash, it might be a good idea if he looked at this material too.
SHOULD I MOVE AWAY FROM FIGHTING PARENTS?
I am 22 and live at home with my parents. They’ve always seemed to get along well, but something changed about three months ago and now they don’t stop arguing. I have no idea what started this. and when I asked my mother what was going on, she said to speak to my father. I did, and all I got back from him was speak to mother.
I’ve repeatedly tried to find out what’s going on, but they won’t tell me. It makes no sense as they seem to be blaming each other for something I know nothing about. Meanwhile, they’ve started sleeping in separate rooms, and swear and scream at each other whenever they meet in the house. After one nasty row last week, when I heard my father threaten to throw her out, my mother packed a bag and disappeared for two days.
It was at this point that I started to think maybe she’d had an affair. She came back but again refused to tell me why she had left, nor what brought her back.
Peace lasted about a day and then the arguments and swearing started up again. I don’t know what it’s doing to them, but I am pretty sure it’s getting to me now.
Neither of them seems willing to talk to me about what’s going on.
They avoid arguing when I am in the room with them, but you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. They wait until they’re alone and let rip, and although I can’t usually make out the words, it’s impossible to drown out the noise of their arguments.
Could they be arguing about me? I can’t cope with for much longer and think it’s time I found a place of my own. Would it be so wrong to just leave them to it?
K. H.
FIONA SAYS: TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL
I wouldn’t blame you. You’ve tried to help repeatedly and been re-buffed every time, and by both parents. Given this, please don’t blame yourself, as this is clearly not your fault. Your parents have trapped themselves in a vicious cycle of angry arguments over something that they refuse to share with you. This suggests to me it’s probably something they are embarrassed about and want to keep secret.
All this has done is made your life a misery too. What they need now is professional help from a trained relationship counsellor or mediator, and the best place to start with this is Relate (relate.org.uk). What they might also need is a wake-up call to how badly this is affecting you. I suggest you give them the Relate details and tell them just how upset and unhappy you are by the constant arguing. Then tell them that, if they don’t contact Relate or some other form of counselling/mediation help, you will have to leave home.
Hopefully, this may shock them into realising that if they don’t seek help, it is not just their marriage that’s at risk – they risk alienating you too. In the meantime, if you feel you need to talk to someone about any of this, Relate could help. It’s not a free service anymore but an alternative would be The Mix (themix.org.uk) which offers free support for under-25s through an online chat and email service, as well as a phone helpline. You can talk to them about anything that’s bothering you. Readers in Scotland can contact Relationship Scotland (relationships-scotland.org.uk).
IS IT FAIR TO MAKE KIDS MOVE HOUSE?
My husband walked out on me earlier this year, leaving me with two children.
It’s been a struggle meeting all the bills and the rent. It’s not made any easier by his family, who all live nearby, as hardly a day goes by without snide, nasty remarks.
I take my children and get away from the area whenever I can, but I don’t drive and public transport on the outskirts of my town is rubbish, so getting around is not easy.
I’ve had lots of dreams about making a fresh start somewhere far away at the other end of the country, miles away from my ex-husband’s family and the bad memories of this place. The problem is, my children are settled at the local school and all their friends live around here. I know it would be wrench for them, but I really want to get out of here, I feel trapped and alone. Would it be so bad?
A. F.
FIONA SAYS: HAVE YOU CONSIDERED A LESS DRASTIC MOVE?
Children are tougher and more adaptable than we give them credit for. Were you to move to the other end of the country, I am sure they would be unhappy about losing contact with their friends, although I am also sure they would adapt in time. A fresh start after a separation is no bad thing – but why does it have to take you so far away from what you know? Why the other end of the country?
Could you not move to a different area in your town, somewhere more central perhaps with access to better public transport? Finding somewhere to live would be easier, and it would also give you more options for work and a new social life. Your children could also stay in touch with their friends and might even be able to stay at the same schools. Don’t dream about this any longer, make it happen.
DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH CANCER DIAGNOSIS
I have just found out that I have breast cancer, and I’m not coping. I’m terrified of what is going to happen and it’s keeping me awake at night. I haven’t told anyone yet, not even my husband, though I’m sure he suspects something is wrong.
The fact is, I just don’t know how to tell my family or my friends. The consultant who gave me the diagnosis and laid out a treatment plan was sympathetic but was clearly rushed off his feet, so I had no time to discuss these issues with him. I feel like the world is closing in around me and I don’t know what to do for the best.
G. J.
FIONA SAYS: YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE
Getting any serious health diagnosis, particularly cancer, is always a shock to the system. For many, it’s a time of confusion, uncertainty, and fear.
On a positive note, people these days are often cured of cancer, or can live with it for years. That’s not to say it isn’t still a terrifying thing to go through, and talking about it remains hard for many people – which is a shame, because those who cope best are usually those who find a way to share the burden with others, and get the support they need.
As a first step, please contact Macmillan Cancer Support (macmillan.org.uk) to talk about your diagnosis. They operate a free phone helpline, or you can get help online by email or through a chat service. The website itself is full of useful information, including details of support that is available in your area.
This isn’t something you have to do alone, and the Macmillan service will help you to find the right way to tell your husband and family. Do please tell him as soon as possible though – if he suspects something, it might be making him fear something even worse!
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.