HOW CAN I MAKE NEW FRIENDS IN MY 70S?
My lovely husband died two years ago, just before Christmas. We’d made plans to spend it with some friends we hadn’t seen for nearly 20 years. Inevitably this had to be cancelled, and I still haven’t seen them.
I feel I have come to terms with his loss, at least as much as anyone can when they’ve spent nearly 50 years of their life with someone. It’s not been easy. Apart from being my husband he was also my best friend; the one person I knew I could turn to if things got to me and I needed help.
He was the centre of my life and we were happy together.
Looking back on it, I’d have to admit that we were probably too comfortable with our company and didn’t see the need for lots of other friends. Now that he’s gone, I realise that was a big mistake. I miss him so much and it’s made all the worse by not having anyone I can readily turn to for help or companionship.
I know your answer is going to be make new friends, but I have no idea how to do this. I’m 78 and have nothing really wrong with me. I’ve got a hip problem that stops me from walking too far, so doing a sport is out of the question, at least until I can get a replacement.
I am unhappy and miserable, so what’s holding me back?
Why am I so afraid of taking steps to meet new people?
A. G.
FIONA SAYS: START WITH ONE STEP AT A TIME
Probably because you’ve never done it before. Your husband provided all the friendship and companionship you felt you needed. You’re right, though, – I am going to suggest you take steps to make new connections with other people. As you’ve found, social isolation is miserable, it can also have lasting impacts on health.
Sadly, as people get older their social circles tend to diminish, and they find themselves with fewer people to turn to. It’s important therefore to do all you can to break that cycle of loneliness and bring some joy and laughter back into your life.
ReEngage (reengage.org.uk) offers a phone befriending service, local activity groups and organised tea parties, all free for those aged over 75. It’s a great way to reconnect with people in a small group and you don’t need to worry about transport as that is provided. Do take a look at their website for lots more information.
There is also AgeUK (ageuk.org.uk) which has a searchable database of local support groups on which you can find details of events and activities in your area.
If meeting new people face-to-face is too big a step for you at this stage, you can start small by just making phone contact. Both charities have a telephone friendship service, and I’m sure this would help you to simply begin to learn how to start chatting to people again.
Taking that first step in any endeavour is always the hardest, and I am sure it will get easier with a bit of practice. Perhaps you could also make a start to change things by contacting those old friends you didn’t see last Christmas? You can do this.
PREGNANT DAUGHTER WANTS TO LIVE WITH US
My daughter is 34 and lives with my husband and me. It was only ever intended to be short stay while she looked for somewhere else to live, but Covid hit and her job started to look a bit insecure, so she stayed on. It’s been almost three years now and she says she wants to continue to live with us. We weren’t originally that upset because, to be honest, it’s been nice having her around. So many of my friends complain endlessly about not seeing their grown-up children often enough.
My daughter shocked us recently though by admitting that she’s pregnant. She didn’t tell us who the father is, but did say that she’s planning to keep the baby. Part of me is delighted that I will be able to help her and get to spend time with my grandchild once it’s born. However, it’s now dawned on me that if she continues to work full-time, we are going to have to look after the baby during the day.
We are both retired and living on very modest pensions, but this was not how we thought we’d be spending our retirement years. My husband hasn’t said anything, but I know him well enough to know that he’s not entirely happy about this. Meanwhile, my daughter is carrying on like nothing has happened. I don’t know what to make of it all and no-one seems to want to talk about it. What can I do?
M. H.
FIONA SAYS: YOU ALL NEED TO SIT AND TALK
This situation is overdue a pragmatic sit-down chat about what’s going to happen once the baby is born. Just now, no-one seems willing to talk about it, but if this continues it could lead to family upset later.
It’s possible your daughter plans to use a child-minder while she’s at work. However, if she has just assumed that you are going to look after the baby, that’s unreasonable. It’s a serious, life-changing commitment, one that she should have already discussed with you.
When the baby is small and sleeping a lot, it may not be too bad, providing your daughter does her share. However, crying in the early hours will disturb everyone right from the start, and when the baby’s a toddler, it becomes an order of magnitude more difficult. It will be exhausting and stressful.
Your daughter may well believe that she can cope as a single parent and work at the same time, because she has your support. However, has she thought through how she will manage if something happens to either of you? In any event, all of this is speculation until you can talk it through your daughter.
On a practical note, she might find to useful to visit Maternity Action (maternityaction.org.uk) to see what help may be available to her. Additionally, MoneyHelper (moneyhelper.org.uk) has useful sections on benefits and finances when having a baby. There is a lot to be considered with the arrival of a new baby, it WILL disrupt all your lives.
As a first step, I suggest you sound-out exactly what your husband thinks about all of this. Hopefully you’ll be able to agree a way forward that suits you both. Then have that sit-down conversation with your daughter.
SEVERE ASTHMA IS GETTING ME DOWN
I have developed chronic and sometimes severe asthma. I used to think this just affected young people, but I now know differently – mine came on last year just after 53rd birthday.
It has had a huge impact on my life, as I seem to have developed an allergic reaction to just about everything.
Household cleaners nearly always set it off, meaning my hubby has to do all the housework with the windows open, while I pop out for coffee or do the food shopping.
I have to do this in small shops now because supermarkets have so many shelves given over to perfume, toiletries, and cleaning products.
I have everything that my local hospital and GP have given me to manage the asthma, like nebulisers and inhalers, as well as all manner of drugs. The problem is, nothing works or even gets me stable. I’ve had numerous trips into A&E because I can’t breathe properly and it’s really getting me down. I am anxious all the time and can’t sleep. I’m not sure I can go on.
S. G.
FIONA SAYS: PLEASE SEEK MORE SUPPORT
I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Adult-onset asthma is, in fact, quite common and while it may take some time just now for your local health services to get the right treatment level for you, please don’t give up.
Asthma isn’t curable as such, but it IS treatable and manageable. If you’ve been told that your asthma is severe, ask your GP to refer you to a respiratory specialist in your area where you can get additional support.
You might also find it helpful to visit Asthma+ Lung UK (asthmaandlung.org.uk). It has a wealth of information about asthma and its treatment, along with a phone helpline and online support through WhatsApp and email.
It also has details of online forums and local support groups in your area.
CAN’T GET OVER BROTHER’S SUICIDE
My brother died from suicide in June. We were close and spent a lot of time together. I always knew that he had my back if things got tough, he’d go through a brick wall for me, which is why I still can’t believe that he’s gone.
I knew something was bothering him earlier this year, but he never told me what it was. I know blokes are not supposed to get upset by things, but this is really getting me down. Why didn’t I do more to help him?
S. F.
FIONA SAYS: YOU’RE DEALING WITH PAINFUL GRIEF
I’m so very sorry that you’ve lost your brother to suicide.
You obviously cared for him a lot – and it’s normal to feel deeply upset, even if you’re a bloke.
Please don’t feel responsible for what happened, or guilty that you didn’t do more. Your brother may not have been thinking too clearly at the time, but it was his decision to do this. Something may indeed have been bothering him, but as far I can tell from your letter, he gave no clue that he was going to do this. So yes – let yourself be upset and grieve for him, but please do not blame yourself.
To help you through this process, I suggest you contact Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (uksobs.org). It has a national phone helpline, email and online support forums, and details of local groups around the country.
If you need support for yourself, please remember you can always speak to your GP, or call Samaritans free 24/7 helpline on 116 123. You don’t have to cope alone.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.