Showbiz injury stories are like buses, you wait ages for one and then two come along at once.
No sooner had Fran Healy from Travis finished telling us about having been ‘mauled’ by a dinky dachshund that mistook his sausage fingers for the meaty treats causing Brexit negotiators to tear their hair out than Kate Beckinsale revealed she had been hospitalised by a pair of leggings.
This celebrity lark is deceptive. Sleb Safari had assumed it was all private jets and vegan cashmere athleisure wear, not trips to A&E and hospital gowns that gape at the back.
To recap, the four most recent entries of note in the Showbiz Injury canon are:
1Pete Doherty, the hedgehog and the infected finger
2Katie Price, the wall and the shattered feet
3Fran Healy. savaged by a sausage dog
4 Kate Beckinsale, nobbled by a pair of leggings
It’s All Creatures Great and Small meets a Magaluf hen weekend. And if anyone at Channel 5 wishes to commission this TV show please do get in touch.
Kate’s story started innocently. She was in Las Vegas filming Prisoner’s Daughter and getting dressed in her hotel room. And then, wham, a pair of leggings went rogue.
"Having done eight or 900 action movies, I hurt myself putting on a pair of leggings in my hotel room," she told The Late Late Show with James Corden.
"I was doing a very intense emotional drama and not running up walls or anything. I was in my hotel room putting on a pair of leggings, and it felt like a sort of guitar string snapped and everything was horrible. I mean, worse than having a baby bad, bad. I couldn't walk, I couldn't lie down, I couldn't sit down. I couldn't do anything."
An ambulance was called because those leggings had done her wrong but even then nothing was straightforward.
"...they sort of rolled out a sheet and picked me up in it like a, sort of, sausage, and put me on a gurney." And then they took her to hospital where she was pumped sky high full of pain meds. Kate doesn’t drink alcohol but got a sobering glimpse of how she might behave if intoxicated.
"I really found out what kind of a drunk I am first, so did everyone else. I'm not a 'Do you know who I am? Have you seen all my films?'-type, which is a huge relief because I'm really glad I'm not. But I am a 'Everybody's trying to steal my f**king ovaries.'"
To be clear, no-one attempted to steal her ovaries and once Kate’s medication was reduced and the guitar string in her back fixed she was back on set, emoting but not running up walls. The fate of the leggings remains a mystery but it is reasonable to assume she took scissors to them and lived happily ever after.
Daniel Craig is not a kleptomaniac, ok?
CAN everyone please stop suggesting Daniel Craig is light fingered, he’s getting very tired of it.
Daniel was answering questions for The Guardian when he was asked: Have you kept any mementoes from the sets you have been on? If so, which is your favourite?
Daniel said that’s the question “I get asked the most; everybody clearly thinks I’m a kleptomaniac”.
So, for the last time he hopes, Daniel is telling you through gritted teeth that he only has what was gifted to him.
“I have a watch that was given to me by Barbara Broccoli and Michael [G Wilson, her fellow producer]. I wore it in Casino Royale in the crane-jumping sequence and it still has red dust around it from the Bahamas.”
And that is it. He does not have an imitation Glock in his bedside cabinet, a sword cane in the umbrella stand or an Aston Martin in the garage.
Jason Statham's new film sounds interesting
AND now for some breaking movie news concerning everyone’s favourite expressive action hero, Mr Jason Statham.
Jason is going to star in a film called The Bee Keeper which Deadline helpfully describes as a “lightning-paced thriller deeply steeped in the mythology of bee keeping”.
Sleb Safari does not want to put a spanner in the works or bacteria in the bee hive but how does one carry a concealed weapon when dressed as a bee keeper?
