17 things about playground football that will get you all nostalgic about the beautiful game

Football loses a little something as you get older, but playground football will forever have a place in our hearts.

From its improvised goalposts to the bizarre rules we used to play by, its glory remains untainted. Struggling to remember it? This list might jog your memory.

1. Inappropriate footwear

A chunky shoe may have its disadvantages when it comes to nimble footwork, but offers a champion’s toe punt, whereas a well-fitted shoe could transform you from average Joe to free-kick king.

2. Headers and volleys

A game of kings. We’re convinced David Platt’s World Cup effort against Belgium in 1990 was the result of years spent playing the game.

3. Jumpers for goalposts

Much like the washing up in a shared household, the parameters of a playground goal are guaranteed to generate conflict.

4. Where’s the crossbar?

And all that’s before we’ve even mentioned the invisible crossbar.“As high as the goalie can reach” is not an accurate unit of measurement.

5. Next goal wins

No matter how many goals you’re leading by, there’s nothing to stop someone shouting “Next goal wins!” with five minutes left, and plunging the whole thing into chaos.

6. Rush goalie

Variations on this theme include “spider goalie”, with the rule designed to prevent an unwilling participant wasting their lunchtime in goal. It’s one of the more elegant playground inventions of our time in actual fact. Bravo everyone.

7. Bad at football = goalkeeper?

Imagine how much better the pool of English goalkeepers would be if we hadn’t stuck all the rubbish kids in goal? World Cups galore, no doubt.

8. Goalkeeper gloves

If you’re lucky, there might be some nice protective goalie gloves lurking about. If you’re unlucky, those gloves will absolutely stink of the sweat of five other people.

9. Cheap balls

Footballs come in all shapes and sizes, from the sponge ball (a nightmare in variable weather conditions) to the “floater”, a cheap, light facsimile of a ball which would swerve in a number of directions at a moment’s notice.

10. Old balls

You’ll happily make do with a ball that’s seen better days, but the game takes on a very different vibe when the innards start poking through a missing panel like a hernia.

11. Alternative balls

If a football is unavailable, your options include a tennis ball, a pine cone, an empty plastic bottle, an orange, balled-up socks, scrunched-up paper, or a netball (to the annoyance of the PE staff).

12. Lost balls

Every football-loving child’s nightmare. Whoever is responsible for the privatisation of land in this country has a lot to answer for when it comes to footballs straying over household fences.

13. Play on!

“Play on!” has two uses. The first counteracts the lack of a referee (rarely will a free-kick be awarded on the playground) and the second is the shout of the goalkeeper, too lazy to retrieve the ball after it’s sailed 50 yards past their near post.

14. Wembley doubles

English playgrounds collectively demonstrated an outstanding commitment to only needing one goalkeeper when they devised games like this.

15. Ball hogs

There’s always that one guy who plays for the local club’s academy, and fancies themselves as the next Cruyff/Beckham/Ronaldo etc. There’s absolutely no chance they’re going to pass to you, and why would they?

16. Rainy days

Football in the rain was a privilege we were denied when the heavens opened at lunchtime.

17. Not my ball, mate

Absolve yourself of any responsibility when someone asks if they can play, by declaring “I’m afraid it’s not my ball”, and smugly walking off into the distance.