PICTURE a ring filled not with traditional boxers but with a bunch of stand-up comedians swapping punchlines for punch-ups.
Last Wednesday evening my fellow comics and I stepped onto the canvas in the historic Ulster Hall to raise money for the Children’s Cancer Unit Charity, a wonderful organisation which supports families of children with cancer throughout their journey. It provides equipment, specialised staff support or home comforts for families and children in hospital during a very challenging time.
When my friend Shane Todd asked me to take part, I figured that if I was going to sacrifice myself on the altar of dignity, at least it was for the worthiest of causes.
It was all extremely well organised, with us fighters split into two teams to be trained by renowned boxers Sean McComb and Tyrone McKenna over 12 weeks. The pairings were made and everyone began to get in shape. That is, everyone except me.
I was to fight Diona Doherty and though we laughed together about our height difference, my plan was to be like Scrappy Doo and give it a good shot. But to quote Mike Tyson: “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”
I was to fight Diona Doherty and though we laughed together about our height difference, my plan was to be like Scrappy Doo and give it a good shot
I was surprised when I attended my first session and saw my team sweating like snowmen in a sauna, so I promptly went home to eat a big bag of fun-sized Mars bars and decided I would train another day – after all, running around behind four children should be work-out enough, right?
I subsequently trained only twice more, something I regret now, not because I could have done more but because I needn’t have bothered. Diona could have punched me from the other side of the ring and she was very good at it – not to mention the fact that I fell on my backside while attempting to do some funny footwork before she even stepped in, beating myself up so she didn’t have to.
My ma always said I was my own worst enemy. However, I must add that it’s the most fun I’ve ever had while being walloped round the head.
Watching the other comedians’ level of dedication left me awestruck. After all, they could have just showed up on the night to have an oul go as I did. But these people wanted to give the spectators as close to a professional fight as they could get, with Shane Todd and Sean Hegarty going toe to toe with every jab, hook and dodge looking flawless.
Belfast boy Paddy McDonnell did the westies proud when he went up against a formidable Micky Bartlett, seven years his junior. Both men fought valiantly with skill and grace, with Bartlett taking a second to compliment Paddy on a well executed right hook during the round before throwing a punch himself. It’s the ‘gentleman’s sport’, after all.
Between all the blood sweat and tears, William Thompson kept the audience in uproarious laughter with his stint as a ring girl, wearing a pair of Juicy Couture hot pants and a belly top. Let’s just say I’ll never baste a turkey again without getting flashbacks of my friend’s pasty wee body and legs.
If I thought I drew the short straw being paired with Diona, I was extremely glad that I wasn’t up against Heather Anderson because I would not be capable of writing this column, speaking coherently or eating solid food for that matter, due to the fact she punches like a rabid kangaroo on steroids.
As I looked around at everyone who organised and took part, I felt extremely proud of my friends who all banded together to raise thousands of pounds through a sold-out venue and more than 2,000 subscribers to the live-streamed pay-per-view link. If you would like to donate and watch it, you still can via www.glistrr.com/events/e/comedians-charity-boxing-ppv-2976-195. The commentary from Dave Elliot and Aaron Butler is worth it alone.
The charity’s chief executive Jane Hoare thanked all involved in the event and said the money raised will “make a huge impact on the families we support”.
All in all, a bruised ego and a sore neck are nothing when I think of the children in the cancer unit battling a far greater opponent. Our hats are off to those brave kids, the true fighters.