EPIC and captivating rivalries between mighty foes ring throughout history, echoing across the ages: David and Goliath; Achilles and Hector; Peter Rabbit and Mr McGregor; Captain Ahab and Moby Dick; Itchy and Scratchy.
These rivalries and many others will be remembered long after the contest between Edwin Poots and Sir Jeffrey Donaldson has been forgotten.
The Lisburn Lig and the Lagan Valley Lip are duking it out for the prize of leading the DUP towards its next set of disappointing election results following Arlene Foster's defenestration.
It's turned into less of a rumble and more of a mumble in the jungle. DUP omertà has silenced any public discussion of the issues at hand.
Even Jim Wells, now back in the fold, has given up his regular Thought for the Day slot on The Nolan Show.
The DUP's commitment to keeping the leadership contest secret suggests that the 'democratic' in its name is doing a lot of heavy lifting; Pyongyang apparatchiks must be gazing on in admiration.
Mr Poots and Sir Jeffrey will today have the opportunity to make their final pitches to an electorate which, including themselves, amounts to just 36 people: eight MPs and 28 MLAs, some of whom you may have heard of.
These darkness-engulfed wretched mortals will then cast their votes in secret.
The DUP might be furiously shovelling more wood pellets on to the RHI boiler of existential doom but it isn't the only unionist party feeling the heat.
The UUP, in whose decline Sir Jeffrey and Mrs Foster previously enjoyed starring roles, is also looking for a new heid yin (Jim Allister must be hopeful that Mrs Foster isn't aiming for the hat-trick...).
Steve Aiken undoubtedly struggled to make an impact, and the 'DUP-lite' label will not be easy for the UUP to shrug off, but at least he had the self-awareness to realise that his time was up.
That requires courage of a sort seldom seen in politics, though cynics might observe that it has been displayed far too often in recent UUP leaders; the party is now looking for its fourth leader in five years, making it roughly as secure a post as being manager of Chelsea FC.
It's hard to look at this upheaval and conclude that unionism is entering Northern Ireland's second century as a buoyant, go-getting political force.
The fortunes of the largest unionist parties should, of course, not be confused with support for the Union itself.
There seem to be a cohort of unionist voters who are cheesed off with the DUP and UUP for any number of reasons but are content to give their backing to Alliance because they perceive it as either a small-u unionist party or at least not hostile to the Union.
Nationalism understands how vital it is to have a serious conversation around a border poll and unification - genies rocket-propelled out of the bottle by Brexit - with the SDLP's New Ireland Commission one example of a structured approach to these issues.
Political unionism has repeatedly declined the opportunity to take part in these conversations.
It's a head-in-the-sand attitude that attempts to ignore what's going on in wider society and which also dodges the task - surely political unionism's raison d'être? - of articulating the benefits of the Union.
But unionism has managed to have only one idea in the last 20 years - Brexit - and it was emphatically wrong.
It is difficult to see either Mr Poots or Sir Jeffrey coming up with bright new thinking; maybe it will be left to the UUP to save unionism from itself.
Or perhaps unionism's charabanc is permanently stuck at one of Ulster's interminable crossroads; having manoeuvred itself into a cul-de-sac over Brexit, taken a couple of right turns and gone round in circles, it has overheated and got stuck in reverse.
Does it have any friends left to give it a push forward?
