I HAVE never really understood why people go all gooey-eyed over monarchy, dropping to curtseys and bows in the presence of members of the royal family, however undeserving.
When I used to have to cover visits to Northern Ireland by assorted representatives of the Windsors, when I was a Belfast Telegraph reporter, I dreaded having to chat to the people lining the streets for hours in advance.
I really wanted to ask, " Are you wise?", but instead would ask if they were excited, and how long they'd been waiting, did they get to chat etc.
But I also remember my great-aunt Rachel, dressed in her customary black, with petitions to various saints tucked into the ankles of her thick stockings. Her total bafflement at technology led her to think that those she watched and heard on television could also hear her.
Thus she used to return the greeting to the continuity announcers as they signed off the evening's broadcasting, reminding viewers to switch off their sets and wishing them a good night.
"Good night, son and safe home," aunt Rachel would say in reply.
So out of her own politeness, she was probably the only one in Joy Street who didn't rush to turn off the TV as the first bars of God Save The Queen rang out.
Instead she watched while the Queen on horseback surveyed her troops as the British national anthem played in the background. When her son tried to switch it off , she reprimanded him. "Don't. The queen has her feelings too."
No doubt there are many who are celebrating this weekend's platinum jubilee with genuine fervour and admiration for the monarch who has been dutiful to the role since she was crowned as a young woman back in 1952.
Prime ministers, presidents and popes have been and gone during those 70 years, but she is still around. I doubt her successor will inspire the same respect, but I suppose if you buy into all that 'born to reign over us' stuff, then you'll cheer on King Charles, albeit with less full-throated deference. Squidgygate and his ill-fated marriage to Princess Diana has rather diminished the sense of "mystic reverence" that Walter Bagehot once attached to monarchy.
But let's not forget what soap-style dramas they've brought us over the years. Broken marriages from three out of the Queen's four children, dodgy Prince Andrew, his paedophile chum, and his money-grasping ex-wife, who still lives with him, despite the divorce.
Then there's the rift between the two brothers, William and Harry and the strained relationship between the wives, Kate and Meghan, which is nearly as much fun as the row between Colleen Rooney and Rebecca Vardy, but with cheaper handbags.
I can hardly wait for the next season of The Crown on Netflix.
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JUST like adulation of the Windsors, I don't understand anything to do with the Orange Order.
Admittedly, it's not meant for the likes of me, not being part of the biblical Protestant fraternity. But I could never reconcile its stated aim of "civil and religious liberty for all" with its anti-Catholic rhetoric and refusal to allow members to participate in Catholic weddings and funerals.
Some years ago, a unionist councillor of my acquaintance apologised to me after my father had died.
"If I'd known, I'd have gone and stood outside the chapel," he said. I guess he meant well.
So I don't go to watch their parades but so long as they don't go coat-trailing through areas where they're not wanted, I don't object to them.
Last weekend's parade to mark the belated centenary of Northern Ireland was organised by the Order and with its bands and serried ranks of Orangemen, it looked pretty much like the Twelfth of July had come early.
So much so that outraged callers to the BBC have been protesting that there should have been Twelfth-style coverage on television, with highlights of the parade shown for those unable to attend it.
The Beeb tried to explain that the event was covered on all the usual bulletins but, just like when it ended the live coverage of the Twelfth, replacing it with highlights from across the land, it didn't wash. The sense of grievance remains, and like the DUP, they've become the Most Oppressed People Ever.
Still, you can count on the Orange Order for continuity of thought over the past 100 years. Grand Master, Mervyn Gibson, left us in no doubt. For any of those trying to persuade them or push them into a United Ireland, the answer was the same: "No surrender."
