I WATCHED a few episodes of Dolly Alderton's new BBC drama series, Everything I Know About Love, this week. This fortysomething and fan of Bridget Jones and Sex and the City was curious to see if the dating narrative of twentysomething millennials London was similar to my experience. It was.
In one episode, the main protagonist broke up with her boyfriend, accepting that he and their relationship might have been a work of her imagination. When we are looking for love, it can be very easy to create an idea of someone in our minds, and stick to that narrative, whatever the reality. In real life, it's very easy for the lines between myth and reality get blurred. Trying to work out what is true and real online is a minefield.
A few weeks ago, I saw 'GAA Catfish' trending on social media, and had no idea what it meant. I then listened to a podcast by the comedy duo The 2 Johnnies.
One of them, Johnny B, had worked out that he had been catfished by someone. (The dictionary definition of 'catfishing' is to lure someone into a relationship by means of a fictional online persona).
When Johnny B spoke about his experience publicly, over 40 other young men who had been catfished by the same person contacted him to share their stories.
This story has nothing to do with Gaelic games, by the way, except for the fact that a few high profile players have been unwittingly part of it. They haven't been publicly identified, but the rumour mill has been working overtime.
Before you dismiss this story as nonsense or something that would never happen to you, ask if you've ever been fooled by the persona of someone as presented online?
It's easy to get caught up in the 'scandal' of this story and forget that real people are at the heart of it.
Firstly, there's the 'Catfish' – 'Nikki' as she has been referred to. Why would anyone pretend to be someone they aren't online? They could be actively setting out to deceive others, there might be a sinister motivation to do this, but there also might be insecurities and vulnerabilities at play.
My understanding is that this catfishing case wasn't on an online dating site. This woman went out of her way to create and manipulate 'relationships' with quite well known people.
The more I heard about it, I couldn't work out whether 'Nikki' was to be pitied or scorned.
Secondly, in this case, there are the people who have been fooled, or 'catfished'.
Despite having done nothing but engage with someone who they found attractive, they are left embarrassed, hurt and they could very easily lose a lot of self confidence as a consequence of someone else's betrayal.
I think that there's a high probability that anyone who has tried dating online has undoubtedly been catfished at some point. You see the image of someone you find attractive, swipe right to show your interest, and a conversation is struck up shortly afterwards. You might be vulnerable whilst doing this.
Perhaps you have just broken up with someone, you could be lonely, or shy. It can be easy to spend hours online 'talking' to someone, and each sentence you type can form an image of this person in your head. It's easy to create an aspirational world.
I was really surprised to learn that some of the men in the GAA catfish story had believed themselves to be in a 'relationship' for six months and longer, with a woman they had been in touch with only online, despite never having set eyes on her in reality. I find it alarming that this behaviour is being normalised by the online world.
As for the catfish... Why haven't her friends or family called her out on her behaviour? Is she as good a liar in real life as she is online? The sad thing is that she has been lying to herself, and she continues to do so.
I have spent many years online dating, and hated every second of it. It's a horrible world full of doubt and it's easy to be duped if you are vulnerable in any way.
The only advice I can give in this situation is if they don't want to meet up with you sooner rather than later, move on before you get emotionally involved. The person who is genuinely interested will always make the effort in real life.
